Sex. The last frontier.

With Eat Love Pray hitting the theaters, and copies of the book being given out amongst women, the story about finding oneself and realizing who you are is not lost on me. It's been something I've been attempting to figure out for a long time. I know I've always been me, and that is satisfying if simple to realize. Perhaps the simplicity of this just 'being me' is what is tricking me from time to time. Who am I? What am I? What will I do in times of stress, hardship or joy? I know this: I am my best when under pressure, when things are tight, I just tuck my head down, roll up my sleeves and get to work. Grimy or not. *grin* When times are good, when someone who is a relatively good and sane person loves me or could be seen as a potential love interest, I immediately shoot myself in the foot. I become 'not myself' and fall apart in a spectacular doubting mess. Those who know me shake their heads and tell me to stop being afraid. I am so seemingly unafraid of so much yet vulnerability and relating such with another human being? ACKKKKK!

There are classes on sexuality, learning different things, techniques, possibly learning what my preferences are, that kind of thing. It'll be my own Eat Love Pray, without having to leave home in order to do it. I can discover my own undiscovered country. It will be a great learning experience. It's time to know me as a woman and what I want in a sexual partner once and for all. And I won't get fat or starve in the process.

the sex thing always gets in the way

Best line in a film? "Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." How true. Before it was easy to just relax and just eat and laugh and drink and hang out, but those days are seemingly over. I have to constantly watch what I say, because everyone's fucking monitoring. Of course, some people are like, "well, we never thought you lacked in confidence", but in reality, I'm a fucking human being like everyone else, and there are days when I feel my fragility more than others. Ok?

There's a marked shift in relationships. I have very little tolerance for other's bullshit, that hasn't changed. Communication levels and common sense levels are in the toilet. It's amazing work gets done at all, I can only imagine how much time is wasted and how many deadlines are missed simply because people are uninspired or don't care.

A part of me quickly goes about making like I understand those around me. A lot of them are simple, they are just waiting for the bell to ring so they can leave like lemmings. I never see as much energy and enthusiasm and smiles than when it's five o'clock. You can time everything to when they know it's five. Yet ask them where a file is or why they can't retain the same phone number they've asked for (and you've given without attitude) three times in a row and it's like a fucking mind-bending session with a piece of shriveled fruit.

Back to sex.

And friends.

Awkwardness.

I want to get close to people I care about and love. They don't make it easy, though. It's tough to get some decent alone time with them, and then they look like a lobster trying to get out of the boiling pot. They are uncomfortable, they don't like communication and exchanging ideas and thoughts as that's just way too intimate. They'd rather fuck in the dark, listlessly yet urgently like a dog does when he looks to the left as if he's reading instructions while fucking another dog.

Are people that immune or that starved for conversation? Have we become inept in social graces? yet blogs show up all the time, everyone has a comment or point of view. Why isn't anyone TALKING to each other? Know why? Because no one wants to listen and comprehend. Ego pushes you to be the only one talking. It could be about absolutely nothing.

I have been known to let silence be my guide. I will let minutes pass before I say anything, just taking in the scenery, chewing my food, pause to sip, thinking over what someone just told me in a conversation to figure out if it's something I could agree or disagree with.

There's adventure. Places to see, things to experience. Yet. There's people to meet. Each person I meet reflects a part that I am afraid to see. Which part is that? The closing off part. Further closing off who I am because creating and maintaining a friendship is a lot of work.

There are times I would rather read a book. And sex is overrated. Too many stupid decisions are made based on whether someone can make you cum. It's not worth it.

continue to write as I downfall, trip, and look to stabilize

The desire to write is fleeting. It is hard not to edit myself the minute I put something down, because I have fear for who might read it. Fear of the laughter, the always looking, wanting to see what internal dialogue I may have. From the time I was little, it was always the same.

Had siblings seek, unlock and underline especially juicy parts and show to parents, had lovers search through my belongings, unlock and read portions of my thoughts only to have it thrown back in my face. "You're always writing, every day you write stuff down, and for what? THIS is what you really think? How dare you!" The message was I had no right to think those thoughts, I was, in essence, dirty and shameful to them. And the anger. My god, the anger.

Diaries were my source of keeping my sanity, of making sense of what happened to me, and what I couldn't control throughout the day. My impressions and feelings, both of people and myself. A part of me wondered why things were the way the were, while another part was resigned to it.

Those who have known me for a long time marvel at how I still continue to struggle with this, that I just simply haven't resigned myself over completely and 'grown up'. So, growing up means acceptance of what is, not wanting or working for what could be, and putting daydreams to rest once and for all.

But you see, that's the worst thing about adulthood. The sense of playfulness, of wonder, of righteousness, is over. What is left? A dull colorless world. Yes, you are realistic, but a lot dies in the eyes. No wonder it frightened me so to look into certain people's eyes. Death was already there, even if they were physically healthy. The light just ... goes.

Meanwhile, there is life to life, and a life to create, whether it's having a child or creating a new path for myself. I'd like to think I still have some choices, and that everything will come together one way or another. I believe there's no such thing as coincidence, and that everyone has a right to pursue their happiness as long as it's not at the expense of another. Which is tough. That's a lot when there's so many people in the world and they all want the other one to disappear or die.

These past few weeks have been tough. But it's starting to get light. I'm seeing the light. It's coming. And it's all OK. I will be OK. That is certain.

made the dip took the risk

A new computer is on the way. Bigger screen, more power, and I'm satisfied. Haven't eaten dinner yet as I've been playing and downloading for the past couple of hours, testing the keyboard and seeing how quick it processes. Nothing like when you are feeling like, FINALLY, you know?

Back to playing.

incest is NOT a joke people

I am so f-kin' p-o'd about these idiots posting for this Supernatural show, a writing fiction trend called win-cest, and how these writers, in the name of fandom, write about their fantasies of getting two brothers together while they hunt for their parents' supernatural killers.

Anything to do with incest, and making it fun or 'art', is complete and total bullshit. There are people who are actually proud to write such garbage, and take pride in getting noticed for writing shit that they wish they could get away with but don't have the guts to.

"But it's just a show on t.v., it's not real," some of them may whine when they take a second to stop jerking off at their computer.

Yes, but incest is. You trifling ignorant silly fools.

They think incest (and portray it) as something not just illicit, but sexually arousing in its illicitness, that this is "the ultimate" in two men showing their love to each other, never mind they are brothers or are shocked or tricked or spelled into homosexual acts while sharing blood of the same parents on both sides. What happened to just telling each other they love each other? Why is seeing two men, brothers or not, who care about and love each other HAVE to lead to sex?

Some argue, well, dead mother, raised by father, always looking for daddy influences -- where's the mom influence? The reason these writers are drawn to writing about this taboo is because they know it's controversial, even if it's sick. And to have it connected with homosexuality puts a doublebrand on sending the message "homosexuality is evil and only occurs in perverted situations".

When people realize that homosexuality is not supernatural or out of the ordinary but very much a part of the human sexuality as a whole, these kind of stupid stories would not make such twisted logic 'art'. Or give it some stupid cutesy name. As if that makes it smart or relevant.

I don't know what's worse, the 'writing' or the actual photo or "fan pic" manipulations. These people need to get a real life and do some real good out in the world instead of hyping incest as the ultimate love act. Pedophiles use that 'reasoning' of the ultimate love act all the time and you see how much concern is shown for their welfare when they go to jail -- they tend not to survive for very long and end up mysteriously and brutally dead.

If any of these fucks were ever a victim of sexual abuse, they would be horrified at their own stupidity.

Yet these people are allowed to breathe and breed and unleash their stupidity onto the next generation. Idiots.

http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/index.php?title=Wincest

Starting to look at diet plans

Taking small steps, baby steps towards my goals. Am going to keep track of my eating, although it kind of skeeves me to say that or do that.

I'm thinking of also going blond. Don't know if I have it in me to do this again, but I do miss the lighter side of me.

a period of rest and then...rejoice

The productivity today was great. I actually got around to the garden, where my seedlings have been struggling to make themselves known. I went and planted the first batch in a new wider container, and need to get more soil, just a little bit more. I had enough to at least plant the bulk of them. I also took the mini-mint pot and started that one. I then took the leftovers and watered them. Everything is done. I slowly have gone through whittling down the magazines and various papers to recycle.

Last night I took care of myself, and appreciated the time off I was able to take. I did not even do any extra work, and just kept it quiet and calm. My body needed to rest and heal. I needed to sleep when I wanted to and not be bound by someone else's clock. It was a nice change.

I only went out to get fresh air, stretch my legs, and do some limited shopping for needed groceries. I tried to keep my spending to a minimum and kept myself busy with looking at some projects. I tried not to think of the job, I tried not to think of anything but...was I hungry was I thirsty did I need sleep? It was nice to baby myself.

Yesterday it rained, so I kept to the house. I was thankful I didn't have to go out in the rain, I was thankful to enjoy this time off. There was a marked difference between the last day of work and the first day of my time off -- I sounded better and felt lighter and felt more rested. I was able to sleep, finally. And it felt good.

I still have a bit of a cough but at least I'm not feeling like I'm underwater and itchy. Like I'm drowning and can't see, everything blurry. I feel better.

This time off was definitely needed and well deserved. It was a positive thing to turn my mind off and just focus on me.

Tomorrow is back to the work life. I can rejoice that it will be a short week. Thankfully.

on reading writing and comprehension

Thoughts can just pop in one's head. One can wonder where they come from. I remember reading somewhere that thoughts are energy. Yeah, something esoteric like that.

Then as I awoke, with dreams of meeting people from India after watching a program of some British people going to work for a week or several in Indonesia to work on farms to find out where their prawns came from, I wondered.

x was going to attend college, and all their paperwork was finally in order, they got their financial aid and they announced how happy they were to move forward. I was happy for them.

Somehow though, I wondered. x had trouble being anywhere for more than two hours, and if the weather was bad, or about to change, the arthritis would surely do x in and wouldn't be able to attend let alone pay attention in class.

I recall having discussed that we would invest in a video cam, to attach to the computer so x could attend classes from home without having to worry about travel or their bones crunching.

x is determined to go physically to class. And mutters quickly about it. There is no mention of any other classes, because the whole point of x going back to college was to finish and get a diploma of some kind.

Have heard nothing else. And asking seems to be the last thing, from the vibe I get, that x wants me to really get into. X was the same way when they reconnected with a bunch of old schoolmates from high school -- suddenly these people were x's world, and x stood on defensive, waiting for someone, anyone, to say something simply because x filled up all their time with these people's problems and lives. It's as if x was living in a vacuum all this time and needed air and these people were x's salvation, their saving grace. It didn't help when x indeed got upset and defended these people who were unknown to them less than six months prior, and cried how they were the best friends x never had and how much they had done for x.

I virtually had no idea what they had done -- had they given x money? Had they found x a new mate to assure x how fine they were? I asked what had they done? X could not really explain fully. It was a matter of, x was waiting for someone to say something, when in fact x had completely ignored everyone around them, and didn't think anything was the matter. Phone calls and emails had to be answered immediately, and when ten people are writing you within minutes of each other, and you are carrying conversations and feel you must answer them right away, then that takes time away from everything and everyone else.

I tried to explain that I was happy for x, because socializing is a great thing, and reconnecting is something marvelous. However, when the texting and phone calls came at all hours of the day and night, then something had to give. X didn't see it that way and wanted me to mind my business even if it cost x spending any time with me.

I realized that x had a lot of resentment towards me and was basically bored with me. X wanted stimulating conversation with other adults, and these people were certainly coming with a lot of information seeing that x hadn't seen them in 20 years and thus had a lot to catch up on. Every day was texting and phone call marathon and once x hung up the phone, there were ten messages waiting for x to answer.

I would check my emails, play videogames, watch t.v., read books. This was my lifeline and my way of showing respect for x's newly found playmates were taking all x's time and focus.

So now that x is focused on going to school, the vid cam is history, and x is determined to go to class because that's where they would learn properly. I said nothing, and simply nodded. X's not looking me in the face and speaking hurriedly told me all I needed to know. Basic body language.

I told myself it was good for x to get out of the house. X was getting out of the house anyway, by running errands, hanging out with their old friends every week, and generally being left alone to their devices every day of the week. X had some freedom, and didn't answer to me. I had to leave well enough alone.

However, every aspect of my life was pretty transparent. I didn't hide anything from x. I didn't just disappear and not tell x what was going on. I pretty much didn't have the same booming social life x had. X told me they felt guilt about this and I told them that guilt was a luxury they couldn't afford -- plus it was a total waste of precious energy.

I assessed what I could do to make my life more exciting and found very little. People were a disappointment and most of them were in competition anyway. I found them very nosy about non-important things, and didn't focus on more interesting aspects like what books they read, did they travel, what did they value most about life and living?

These things I found more important about people to find out than how old they were and whether or not they were married at some time. I personally didn't care and thus didn't like it when I was asked. They were silly insignificant questions to me and I would answer as dully or as clean as I could in order to get to the more interesting stuff.

Perhaps if I was disappearing taking classes and not getting into the day to day stuff, then x wouldn't be as curious as me and just take it in stride. But it's x's m.o. to be mysterious about the seemingly ordinary shit. I try to respect x's boundaries although I'm pretty transparent about mine.

The reason x is attending school finally is because x had been talking about it for years. It was one of those unfinished things x mused about when feeling depressed about how their life had not gone according to plan. I stated that it's time to get this done, because I was tired of hearing about them not getting anything done and that they were just going to wasting away always poor not being able to ever pull themselves from their spiral.

I said, this is what you can do, and you can do it from the comfort of home via online classes. We are in the 21st century, you have no more excuses. You have the time, you can get financial aid easily, so let's go and get this done and you will have accomplished something, and I think that will do well for your ego and your mind, seriously.

So what does x do? Focus on language class. Instead of doing the fucking classes they need to take to finish and get a degree of some kind, finally. We were taking language classes prior, but had to stop as money had dried up. Now I am working, and wondering what to do because the language class is still available.

I am thinking of taking an intensive one on one class, to study with a native speaker, and get the pronunciations and tones down. For more than one language. For now, I will practice with what I originally learned, and go back to the same school I went to before.

I need to learn, and once I master that, I will go on with another language. I am furious with myself that I need anyone to hold my fucking hand. This I will do on my own, it is time I get off my ass and get busy with my own life.

time out

The last few days have me feeling run down, and the allergies are kicking in big time. I decided to take some time off, to rest and recharge. Already I am feeling the positives. I was able to sleep in today, and I woke up feeling lighter, and rested. I took a shower, and got dressed, went out to walk the dog and pick up some incidentals, groceries. Greeted some neighbors along the way and got home, and am relaxing. Turns out a relative had passed away, and I ended up having to cover two other relatives for their flower orders. These two people, one of which is y who has been scheming and skulking and being a general overall ungrateful you know what, turns out to have their butt and face saved once again by the likes of me, the one y is convincing themselves that somehow I'm the issue in why their lives suck and I need to go.

This weekend promises to be sunny and gorgeous, and I am going to transplant my little garden to a bigger pot, which means I must have enough rich soil in order to do this.

x already sees the difference in my taking this time off. Much needed.

I don't want to go to work

A package came in last week for a person who I interviewed for several months back. I called their office and got what I can only assume is their new assistant. I explained the situation, and asked for their location in order to divert the package to them, wrote it down, as I got thanked over the phone and handed it to the messenger, redirecting them. The woman mentioned that for some reason packages for this person were being rerouted and she didn't know why. I shrugged into the phone and said, "Well, good luck and have a good day," and hung up. I didn't know what else to say, I had to move on to the next problem to be solved.

Last night I checked out some ads. Nothing. Mostly b.s. ads and repeats from shady agencies I've dealt with and had had some unpleasant experiences with. I knew I had a refresher course on Excel under my belt but other than that, nothing really new to show that my time at this new company was worth anything. As usual. I may have to start looking at classes and start buckling down. My resume needs some serious updates in the skills area.

I admit it. Work is called work for a reason. It's apparently not meant to be fun or have meaning or even be interesting or contribute to a greater good. Going to work every day, spending money on clothing to look presentable at work, and dealing with the emotional minefield that's created by employers to keep employees distrustful yet competitive against each other in order to build up productivity, it's just a sad state of affairs and very draining to one's health.

It's hard to look at others at work and not wonder -- what keeps them here? Some would probably never survive anywhere else, because they don't know how to do anything else, they've been doing the same thing for twenty years. Plus no one would put up with their bullshit elsewhere, they'd be fired in a hot minute for their laziness and attitude.

I know I put myself in this willingly. I look around, and I work hard, trying to ignore the screaming apathy around me. Yesterday I could not find the energy to go, plus woke up dreaming about work about deadlines not being met. That's the first sign.

A part of me wishes to take today off too. It's a beautiful day out and the rest of the week is to be rainy and lousy. It's 8:12 in the morning and time is running out. I am out of energy and enthusiasm. I see myself going to work and dealing with someone's negativity and laziness and I may scream.

No one wants to work anymore. The few that do get laughed at or taken for a ride and get stressed out, as if they are getting punished for actually wanting to do a good job. Sheesh.

Yet I know there is no other income coming in right now. I look at aa and my doggie, and know I have people depending on me. Until I find and get another source of income that's reliable, I really have to focus and be good with this.

Although if someone gets snarky with me, it won't take much for me to pack up at my desk and go home. I am just not having it with anyone's b.s. today.

Since when is 3% considered a healthy increase?

Three percent is nothing. It is pennies, coins. It is not enough to cover anything and with the cost of everything rising, including taxes, three percent rapidly disappears into nothing.

I'm listening to the news going on in New Jersey, how the governor is complaining that despite other people not getting any increases in the past five years, that teachers have gotten a three percent increase every year for those five. And I'm like, yeah, and the classes have gotten bigger, and we just got through a three year recession, still feeling the aftereffects.

Kids still need to be taught, and classes still have to go on. Yet the elephant in the room is getting rid of those teachers who sit in limbo in those rubber rooms for years and get a check but don't get to teach. Those should simply be laid off. Of course there are union rules, but honestly, you also pay for a service and these teachers aren't being given the opportunity to provide that service, or have messed up their chances for some reason -- interesting, when the news reports on these things, they don't find out the individual reasons as to why these people are languishing in these rubber rooms.

I'm sure if they found out, they could easily flush out fifty percent of the languishers and save some major money. Otherwise, this cut in teachers the teacher union is protesting is utter bullshit. They have more than enough teachers who are qualified sitting in the rubber rooms that can then be utilized and earn their paycheck legitimately.

support and lack of

Started putting a little away, just to get the ball rolling. It's nice when you have people on your side, cheering you on, being supportive.

Then there's J. J is kind of playing it fast and loose with his most recent love interest, who is very interested in settling down and playing house. Of course, this just drives J in the other direction and has him looking specifically for studio apartments and roommate situations with anyone and everyone BUT the love interest. What could be holding J back from building a life and living with his love? And what's this latest talk that the clinging love interest is talking about wanting to see other people and experiment a bit more?

I see a desperate play here, put out by someone who wants to hang on to J and that will involve sacrificing their dignity and monogamy in order to do it. That usually signals the death knell.

The weekend ends on a quiet note. I figure that there's only a few more hours to watch television, then get things in order before going to sleep, before facing tomorrow and the new work week.

One thing that I did to help my sanity -- wrote a blow by blow on what was going on regarding an individual at work giving me a hassle and being lazy. The straw that broke the camel's back on this individual was when they had the audacity to accuse me of trying to pawn my work onto them! So that was the final straw, I wrote my piece and sent it to our supervisor.

It felt good to put everything down, and it was a long time coming. Of course, I suspect the higherups didn't read even half of it before steam came out of their ears, but at this point I don't give a fuck. I give a shit about as much as they do, obviously. A sloppy ship gets shitty returns.

I stay serious about my work and get it done.

shaking off the dank ickiness of the prior evening

The sun came out, and everything was clear and bright. I felt better after waking up.

Quickly got dressed and headed out, to run errands. It felt good to make a list and then fulfill it.

Felt a sense of accomplishment and lightness. I felt good. Went home to find y skittering and darting about feverishly, looking as if high on something.

After finishing up cooking some food, y disappeared into their room. I put the groceries away with x and x went to wash the dog from her walk. I seasoned and readied the meats for the upcoming week and put them in their appropriate containers, and into the refrigerator.

I went to rest afterward, wrapped up with the dog, who was apparently finished with taking her bath and ready to nap.

Had a hearty late breakfast and now am starting to feel hungry. Dinnertime's coming. :-)

Sanity, thy challenge

During a lovely stroll after work at the day job, I found myself listening to yet another litany of bullshit from x about y. I at first laughed, and didn't think anything beyond "look, y's just trying to get a rise out of you because no one's talking to y. it's like y's a little child, pouting and having a fit."

During the movie, I fumbled with my phone as I forgot the passcode to check my voicemail. I had thought it was for an acting gig, but it turned out to be this company I get my acting alerts from, the alerts had not been coming in the last 48 hours and I was trying to figure out why as everything worked fine before.

Some long convoluted message talking about nothing, as the person who had left the rambling message acknowledged my question but claimed to have no answer, blaming everything under the sun but the fucking company itself and their server. There was definitely a glitch as both my email accounts weren't receiving anything, they were silent. What the fuck's the point of setting the account specific for email alerts if there are no alerts coming in? No help, absolutely fucking useless. If it continues I cancel my subscription. I am not paying for half-ass service.

Things meanwhile, originally going well, or at least quiet for once, are starting to kick up shit again. Seems y is suddenly intent on blaming me for every fucking thing wrong in their life, including their stupid fucking plants. Now, I love plants in and of themselves, but y decided that I had to be doing something to them and rambled such stupidity to another who finally told them to fuck off and get over it and no one cares about y's fucking plants because y constantly kills them anyway. This of course, pissed y off, and everyone left.

I am looking forward to dinner and a movie. It's Friday, it's after 5 pm, the work whistle has blown and I am out and free, pretending to be so, for the next 48 hours. So x gets into the 'whoppers' or lies, that y likes to say in order to gain x's attention as they haven't been speaking in ages either. Mind you, we all live under the same roof, but have separate rooms, and I am quite content not seeing or dealing with y for days if not weeks or months on end. I knew the peaceful silence shit was shattered when I was waiting for the elevator, dressed to go to work in the morning last week, and y decides to declare in the hallway that I had to move out.

Mind you, in the morning, I'm not the most talkative and I am inwardly congratulating myself that I managed to get showered, dressed and out the door with my purse, keys, money and ID intact and leaving on time to boot. I'm not really looking to get into an argument with anyone, I just don't have the time and energy for that shit, not first thing in the morning.

But y was feeling bold and felt this was the perfect time to lay into me about me moving out. I was about to say "I'm going to work, we'll talk when I get home," but I didn't feel like talking to this silly bully. I merely glanced over at x, who happened to be with me, going out to walk the dog.

"You think you have her out here because you're scared of me," and at that point I raised an eyebrow towards x, not saying anything. The elevator had arrived, the door opened and x announced, "let's go," and almost pushed me into the elevator.

Later on, I chuckled over it with x, and moved on. Found it odd y would even say anything to me, and we realized y had no idea that x was going to be there, and thus y was surprised and whatever y had planned, it was reduced to empty words.

Fast forward to today, where x fills me in on the latest bullshit stories from y. My immediate thought was "why are you listening to y and WHY are you giving y the time of day?"

Because they're related. X caters to y's ego and thus nurtures and encourages the stupidity and ignorance of y. And y wonders why I ask outloud why did y even listen to this nonsense and y stays quiet, only when pushed does y ask why did I even decide to stick around.

And I know x is nervous. I calmed x down, and explained it was just a bullshit tactic, a lion with no teeth braying like the fucking donkey y truly is, and I said "you should know the tactic by now, it's been what, 30 years of this bullshit?" And I state, "Let's just forget about y, y is desperate for any kind of conversation even if it means starting a fight with you." And x seemed content with that.

Later on, after the dinner and movie, and we found our way home, we were met with a tense atmosphere. The air felt stagnant and mean, and most of all, negative. It soon worked its way on me, while x stayed pretty calm and admitted to having forgotten the whole thing because that's what I had advised them to do. Surprised x even listened, I stated that although I thought it was over, I had a feeling that y would be stepping up their game and may overstep even further towards doing something physical.

I also advised that I was trying not to get angry about it, because I refused to be bullied, but I was also angry because I had not done one blessed thing to stir this fucking idiot to focus on me. Y simply did because they were bored with their fucking lives and knew x was focusing on me again and this was not going to be.

It's like clockwork this bullshit. I also wondered if y was taking their meds on a regular basis, and x goes "probably not" and yet seems fascinated by whatever bullshit falls from y's mouth like it's fucking gold or food from the gods. It's like x starves for their bullshit as much as y loves shoveling it up x's ass.

Meanwhile, I had to relate, relax, release this insidious yucky feeling I was going through, too sensitive to the bullshit vibe going through the house. And x feels bad again, and I felt bad and ended up apologizing, because I wanted to say my piece and now it's like we're back to one with this sad person stirring shit. Then x brings up they had been asked to move to Atlanta. And that x is staying simply because I have nowhere else to go.

And the cycle of them going back and forth with this idiot continues. X continues to give power to y. What the fuck?

Now I'm the pity case. Now I'm the excuse and reason as to why x hasn't moved out, because x 'truly believed' the bullshit from y despite the fact that x was doing all the research and finding financial programs in order to help y move out. And y didn't lift a finger and didn't like anything x showed them. Like some high faluting queen. Of no kingdom. Yet despite the overwhelming ignorance, x comes when called, and continues to financially support this mindfuck because blood is thicker than water. Even when that means x will continue to do without and stress out for the rest of their fucking lives while Queenie goes about throwing their weight around.

Wow. Great. I need a cleansing and fast. And an exorcist.

visiting old friend

After some thinking, I decided to go to Easter dinner at an old friend's home. I brought some wine specific for the meal and some wine for the appetizers. When the door opened, my friend seemed rather surprised to see me. It was interesting, in the sense that I hadn't seen anyone in quite a while, and it was nice to see everyone. Some were new, some not so, and the chatter reminded me of when I was very little and visiting my grandmother's place and all the talk and laughter during holiday gatherings.

The only thing missing was that there was not a lot of kids, which really made the difference.

Kept myself busy, snapping photos, watching the interaction between the family members. The tension, the quick glances, the body language.

Of course, my friend overdid it with the appetizers as usual, and still wanted to do a full course dinner. Everyone was pretty stuffed by the time dinner arrived, and he was a little flustered by it all. His partner kept things moving in the kitchen, but I also couldn't help but notice that this was not the first time his partner squirreled himself away in the kitchen, as if not entirely comfortable with the family. When I brought it up later, when things had calmed after everyone went home and it was just me and my friend, he seemed slightly defensive, and claimed that his partner just wanted him to spend time with his family so he took over kitchen duties. I'm not completely sold on that explanation because it's not the first time or second time that it's occurred. But I just nodded, and left it alone.

I knew it was a perfect visit for him, because there was no need to talk or get too deep about anything, just keep it light, how's the weather, how the job kind of thing. Keep it simple, keep it light. It was like talking to a stranger who looks familiar. There seemed a disconnect. And I knew that having all those distractions of the family and the kitchen stuff was perfect to keep any conversation with him minimal at best. And it took care of a couple of things, in the sense that we get to see each other, seemingly spend some time together, and then not have to worry about seeing each other for awhile, because he took care of seeing everybody in one shot. Then he could hide himself away in whatever world and people he'd rather be in and with. I couldn't help but think that. Distracting myself with the camera and making small talk with his family was what got me through the day.

Meeting some more family of his was enlightening. All I could think of was 'night and day'. Viva la difference.

During the visit, I tried to make small talk, catch up with people and smiled throughout. I felt a little awkward as I think I overdressed a bit, everyone was casual, considering it was Easter. I am still so much my mother's child, my mother was the ultimate Virgo, fastidious to the t, making us dress up in our Sunday best.

I took the best photos of the set I took during the visit, cleaned them up, and sent them as attachments to my old friend with a short thank you note on the invite and that it was all very nice. Manners, manners, my dear.

pounding your head against the wall, when you stop it feels so good...?

Recurring themes. Worry about money, career, worry about having people in my life that love, accept and understand me. Worry about being taken advantage of, being taken for granted.

AUGH.

I like being dependable, being depended on. However, it can work against me in that people can't help but take me for granted. Oh, she'll never not be there. She would never leave me. She loves me. Uh-huh. Yes I do. But I'm also someone who can only take so much neglect and abuse before I move on, never to look back.

And yes, I have done it. And most likely will do it again.

Will continue to focus on what I need to do and not worry about anybody else. Just got to.

Working on beauty routine

Got the eyebrows done, hair done, moisturized and got my feet done.

Been taking care of what I've been eating too, and not overindulging too much.

Fooling around with makeup. Found a place that sells lovely pretty bustiers and corsets. Just feeling girly. Ordered a couple.

Ordered a sexy top too. Looking at shoes and skirts. Spring is coming.

not in a billion years

Not in a billion years did I think I would find myself in this situation. Again.

I am angry, upset and frustrated at myself. For allowing myself to get lulled into a sense of false security. To allow myself to get distracted, to get lulled into being stupid. I allowed myself to take my eyes off the prize.

What I want doesn't seem to matter. It just seems the circle of space, of the perceived freedom I thought I had as an adult is getting smaller and smaller and choking me harder and harder, and NOT in a good way.

Connections and emotions

I try to feel about someone, and try to understand. And all I can do is not panic, not overthink, not worry, not wonder. It's all I can do, however.

Valentine's Day is coming. Times are quiet. Work is the usual annoyance. A part of me plays out conversations in my head, about what could have been said, what's never been said, out of fear, out of knowing the reality of what could never be.

And I think. And miss him. I try to feel him out. I imagine what he could be thinking. These are all signs to me of obsession, stupidity. But what of concern?

I go down the list. Where has he been for me? A lot of half-truths, and seemingly, feeling misled. Not by who he is, but a feeling that he's not being completely honest with me either. I can't help shake the feeling that I'm looking at a mirror, and this is not merely a projection.

He's a lot like me. I can see myself in him. And I confide in him. And it gets lost, because the steps required to move in that direction are steps that do not benefit me, at least I don't think so.

Another invitation by him went without a further response. I wrote him to remind him, and say hello. He didn't respond. Several days passed. Wrote hi again. And nothing. Again.

If I'm the closest to him, then why do I feel so far away?

What if I said yes more?

My life would have changed drastically. Some doors would have closed, others would have opened. Maybe nothing would have happened at all and I would have just felt my soul die slowly but surely.