pounding your head against the wall, when you stop it feels so good...?

Recurring themes. Worry about money, career, worry about having people in my life that love, accept and understand me. Worry about being taken advantage of, being taken for granted.

AUGH.

I like being dependable, being depended on. However, it can work against me in that people can't help but take me for granted. Oh, she'll never not be there. She would never leave me. She loves me. Uh-huh. Yes I do. But I'm also someone who can only take so much neglect and abuse before I move on, never to look back.

And yes, I have done it. And most likely will do it again.

Will continue to focus on what I need to do and not worry about anybody else. Just got to.

It's only 12:10 but I'm already working to stop the pacing in my head. Simply because of finances.

Worrying won't make things better or change things. I'm tired of punishing myself mentally when things don't go right or things get delayed.

It's just wasted energy. I've played with the idea to send my resume on to get looked at, without charge, by having a friend review it. They probably will have no idea what to do about it since they never worked as an assistant.

Meanwhile, I've been sleeping like a champ. Having weird dreams, waking up thinking I was already awake. Grinding my teeth. Augh. Not a good sign.

Survival

When I think about where I'm going or what I'm doing or how the hell did I get here, it can be dizzying. Or upsetting. Or I have moments of wonderment and awe, depending on where my grit and tenacity levels are. I got things done simply by ignoring the laughing and pushed past the bullshit to get what I needed and get where I had to go. The gumption hasn't been there in a while and now I'm trying to find it within me yet again.

I listen to the daily horoscopes, done in spanish, and try to translate for funsies or have a friend translate for me so I get the fullest meaning possible.

My worry is that I will not outrun the darkness. I like the light, I love the sun. The energy. Sometimes I wonder how much fight I have left in me. I worry about money and about my luck and health. Then I feel a little nudge, and a little pep enters my step. "Hey, luck is coming your way," I hear a whisper, clear as a bell. Is that my inner voice or outer angel?

Vaya con dios.

We all wrestle with the angel or with ourselves. And there are times we win and surprise ourselves. We gain strength and confidence to move forward each passing day. I just put one foot in front of the other as I watch others lose balance and fall. I try to help where I can but I realize I need all the help I can get.

And another loses the battle.