Friends...love 'em need 'em or leave them?

What constitutes a friend? What makes one person a "keeper" and another not so much? There are several levels of friends, but I usually break it down to two categories, acquaintance and friend. Someone I see every day at work is not a friend but an acquaintance, a work colleague, nothing more nothing less. I do not view these people as confidantes to my personal life. Although the lines between what I do after work seem to be blurring for others, I myself do not feel comfortable sharing my personal life with people who are only there for a check or could use this private information to get me fired. Not that I'm doing anything illegal or immoral, it's just simply giving too much power to someone who may not talk to you if one of you is fired or leaves the company for another paying gig. Just saying. A true friendship to develop is one who continues to talk to you after one of you is long gone. I can count on one hand how many times that has happened. Not too many, I can tell you that truthfully.

Then there's the challenge of when is it time to let a friendship go? When to let it die? Do you simply drift off without a word to each other? When it is time to let go? Yes, life does get in the way. People get married, people move away, people get promoted or change jobs. Then what? Do you just fade quietly away? How much effort should you put into a friendship? Is the friendship worth working on?

Sometimes I find myself having conversations in my head with someone I consider a best friend. I've known him a long time, and even to this day don't know everything about him. He's very mysterious, just taking off a layer at a time has taken years. I know I have done my fair share of staying in touch, to let him know I'm there for him, that I support his choices, his decisions, and share in his triumphs and debacles.

I've seen him through his bumps in life with romance, work, family, and other friends. I've seen him troubled, doubting himself. I've seen him grow as a person, and become a bit more open to the world, only to retreat when he thinks things are getting too predictable or vulnerable.

I've also seen the predictable side to him. He only calls when he needs something, whether it be a verbal boost, a shot in the arm of "you can do it you know you can" or someone who doesn't judge him too harshly when he's clearly not thinking things through.

"I know you will tell it like it is," he tells me. Well, that's a delightful thing to a person if they are searching for an honest opinion or advice. If one is feeling a bit vulnerable or delicate, they don't exactly always want to hear the truth unadorned and sometimes want to be served the truth gently. Yet the truth can't be served gently.

To let go. To love enough to let go. Let live. Let go. Sigh. I've survived letting go before. It's always a constant, isn't it? That nothing lasts forever. That death is inevitable to all and to me.

Arggggh! Getting deep at 5:49 in the morning after inhaling bleach fumes after cleaning out the dog's lawn pad. I'm grateful she's housebroken, but the cleanup's a bitch.

Maybe that's it. The bleach. I ruined yet another shirt. ARGGGHHH!

I am tired. At least the dog's OK. Think she's got the runs.

Oh, back to friends. Keep it alive or when to let it go.

Right now, I know I am being used and it's one-sided. He only comes up for air when he's truly exhausted everything else nearby. And I've dealt with it before, even though it irked me a bit at times. I even pointed it out to him that I've been feeling like a compromise, the "plan B", the "in case of emergency break glass" person, the "go to" person when he's bored with whomever his latest playmate is. Like a pet, really.

And he got offended. And denied it. OK. Maybe so. Maybe he just doesn't realize it. But he's not a dumb man.

And I'm told it's because I don't have a lot of friends and that by being so selective, that my numbers so few, that I overthink or overcompensate on whoever is a friend to me, that I get exhausted or they do, I dunno.

Would this be different if I had a booming social life? I socialize, I just don't cling to everyone I meet. I don't make everyone an automatic friend, they have to earn that special membership card, so to speak. They have to prove I can trust them, and even then I have to take the leap of faith to be vulnerable with them and that's hard for me.

Or I've just met the male version of myself and I need to stop overanalyzing. He knows I'm here. And I have to just let things be.

visiting old friend

After some thinking, I decided to go to Easter dinner at an old friend's home. I brought some wine specific for the meal and some wine for the appetizers. When the door opened, my friend seemed rather surprised to see me. It was interesting, in the sense that I hadn't seen anyone in quite a while, and it was nice to see everyone. Some were new, some not so, and the chatter reminded me of when I was very little and visiting my grandmother's place and all the talk and laughter during holiday gatherings.

The only thing missing was that there was not a lot of kids, which really made the difference.

Kept myself busy, snapping photos, watching the interaction between the family members. The tension, the quick glances, the body language.

Of course, my friend overdid it with the appetizers as usual, and still wanted to do a full course dinner. Everyone was pretty stuffed by the time dinner arrived, and he was a little flustered by it all. His partner kept things moving in the kitchen, but I also couldn't help but notice that this was not the first time his partner squirreled himself away in the kitchen, as if not entirely comfortable with the family. When I brought it up later, when things had calmed after everyone went home and it was just me and my friend, he seemed slightly defensive, and claimed that his partner just wanted him to spend time with his family so he took over kitchen duties. I'm not completely sold on that explanation because it's not the first time or second time that it's occurred. But I just nodded, and left it alone.

I knew it was a perfect visit for him, because there was no need to talk or get too deep about anything, just keep it light, how's the weather, how the job kind of thing. Keep it simple, keep it light. It was like talking to a stranger who looks familiar. There seemed a disconnect. And I knew that having all those distractions of the family and the kitchen stuff was perfect to keep any conversation with him minimal at best. And it took care of a couple of things, in the sense that we get to see each other, seemingly spend some time together, and then not have to worry about seeing each other for awhile, because he took care of seeing everybody in one shot. Then he could hide himself away in whatever world and people he'd rather be in and with. I couldn't help but think that. Distracting myself with the camera and making small talk with his family was what got me through the day.

Meeting some more family of his was enlightening. All I could think of was 'night and day'. Viva la difference.

During the visit, I tried to make small talk, catch up with people and smiled throughout. I felt a little awkward as I think I overdressed a bit, everyone was casual, considering it was Easter. I am still so much my mother's child, my mother was the ultimate Virgo, fastidious to the t, making us dress up in our Sunday best.

I took the best photos of the set I took during the visit, cleaned them up, and sent them as attachments to my old friend with a short thank you note on the invite and that it was all very nice. Manners, manners, my dear.