opposites don't attract

What happens when you realize someone is deliberately saying the opposite of everything you say?

Well. Is it a sign of insanity?

Talked to M about getting involved with a person, and M seemed very aloof about it. M stated M wouldn't get involved, because they were traditional or more conservative.

Which of course, made me laugh. Because I've recalled instances where M had taken off with someone they just met that night and went home with them, as me as a witness. And I gently pointed out that they had on more than one occasion been less than conservative and had done some spur of the moment things when lust had grabbed them. They paused for a second to consider it, then admitted that they had. Like I needed them to admit that. I stated they could not be old fashioned if they had been a lot more impulsive than that.

"You reacted on your impulsiveness, not ignored it," I stated, and that was the end of that.

Was this person trying to re-write history yet again? It seemed at times that this person was used to re-writing their history as they saw fit -- usually the person that knew them ended up not knowing them anymore and they were no longer friends.

So there was no one to refute or deny any revision to M's life story. M could tell it any way they wished, and who was going to know?

Except as time passed, I was knowing a certain history, and as far as the instances of sexuality and attractiveness, I had been a casual observer. And the re-writes weren't going to happen with me.

M was someone who liked having relationships, light and uncomplicated, that wouldn't impinge on M's freedom to do as M pleased. Of course this meant that the person had to be special, someone who would be able to walk that fine line with M.

Depending on M's mood, that line could change.

There was a distancing with M. You weren't allowed to get too close. So if you don't mind being held at a distance, then M is your ticket to that aloof romance. Where things are pristine and don't get dirty or twisted, but don't get too close either. You can think whatever you want of M but it will be pure and unfettered, no strings attached.

Ask nothing of M that M can't handle. Too many rules may make M squirm and run. Treat M too lightly and M might just float away into another's arms. M likes attention and likes to be the one to walk away.

So sitting at a bar where M is acting amused while I get some attention was a little refreshing. Until the point was brought up about how M was so conservative and not into what these alcohol fueled dolts were proposing. "I just don't go off with anybody," M said all prim. I smiled, and immediately the thought came to mind of how M had indeed taken off with someone they barely knew after a dance or two on the dancefloor.

"Um, yes you have. I can recall quite a few times where you acted on impulse, my dear." I said, with a smile. Realizing I was incredulous at M's blatant lie. Or was it hypocrisy? Or just getting old that M simply forgot their sexual appetite?

"Ohhhhh...well. Yes." M's smile twitched. I watched as M's face changed from at first seemingly unaware of what they'd just said to the realization that yes, they had gotten some because I witnessed them in action.

"Hmmmm. Thought so." I thought.

When M saw me getting attention and enjoying it, it seemed to turn M off. Suddenly M was forgetting what they used to do and how I was not privvy to that kind of thing. Back then, I didn't mess around, I was looking for something more serious.

Yet here we were, several years later, and was M informing me the tables had turned? Can one go back to being a virgin? No, I don't think so.

I looked at M and realized that there was a creature who did this kind of thing. Who changed to reflect the situation they were in. Yet a part of me also sensed that this was deliberate, to be deliberately the opposite, that one of us had to be the practical one while the other was having fun and going dizzy. What would happen if we were ever on the same page. Suddenly I understood M, I had gotten to where M had gotten, and now M was putting on the brakes by taking the other side of where I had been.

I kept thinking that M was the other part of me. I can imagine this.

So if I'm being the opposite, that keeps me safe. That keeps me....distant.

darkness

had what i've read to be a dark night of the soul. i felt helpless, lost, depressed, frustrated, alone.

i wanted to know what this transition was all about. where was it going? was it going to end on a good note and open the doors to something better? i had no idea. it was like being one of those planes that line up behind another in the air, waiting for the OK to land. i was tired of being in the air, stuck up there, not moving, not going anywhere, just waiting, as if in suspension.

im aggravated and eager to move forward.

i woke up this morning with a pounding headache from falling asleep crying out of frustration and anger. i cancelled a meeting i had today because i felt miserable and didn't think i could share that kind of joy with another person. didn't want to rain on another's parade. so i pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep, head pounding away, jaw screaming to relax.

i woke up four hours later and found that the mail had been picked up and a check from an old gig was in the pile of mail. i looked at it, feeling a semi-smile coming on, then feeling bittersweet.

looking at the amount of that lowly check and for a gig that didn't even get mentioned in the check's re: line. It just says something like replaced as a notation, because i had never gotten the first check for the BG gig I did at 30 Rock. I wonder why it got held back and no one ever did tell me, all I got was a letter, that said under a list of companies held under one check company, that i may or may not have a check being held.

i called, they asked for my identification which i gave, but they offered no other take on where the check may've been or why it was delayed, because they had my full address to mail the stupid heads-up letter in the first place and it got to me just fine.

in any case, it's a nice little thing to have, it will go straight to the negative amount i owe for rent.

shit. T went to go visit some friends, and made some headway regarding possible job openings. I wonder if T went with copies of my resume. We went over it late last night during my frustration rant.

Don't feel like eating. Was left with some chocolate chip cookies, the soft kind that I like from Entemann's. I snacked on those and had a soda to boost my energy level.

i look at the daily calendar i have listed on this blog and it's pushed to a month ahead, to September. is that a sign or indicator of when things will finally pick up and for the better? the other night the computer calendar listed another different YEAR. Don't know what's going on with my computer, it's acting glitchy. Maybe a trojan? Fuck.

We'll see what happens next.