darkness

had what i've read to be a dark night of the soul. i felt helpless, lost, depressed, frustrated, alone.

i wanted to know what this transition was all about. where was it going? was it going to end on a good note and open the doors to something better? i had no idea. it was like being one of those planes that line up behind another in the air, waiting for the OK to land. i was tired of being in the air, stuck up there, not moving, not going anywhere, just waiting, as if in suspension.

im aggravated and eager to move forward.

i woke up this morning with a pounding headache from falling asleep crying out of frustration and anger. i cancelled a meeting i had today because i felt miserable and didn't think i could share that kind of joy with another person. didn't want to rain on another's parade. so i pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep, head pounding away, jaw screaming to relax.

i woke up four hours later and found that the mail had been picked up and a check from an old gig was in the pile of mail. i looked at it, feeling a semi-smile coming on, then feeling bittersweet.

looking at the amount of that lowly check and for a gig that didn't even get mentioned in the check's re: line. It just says something like replaced as a notation, because i had never gotten the first check for the BG gig I did at 30 Rock. I wonder why it got held back and no one ever did tell me, all I got was a letter, that said under a list of companies held under one check company, that i may or may not have a check being held.

i called, they asked for my identification which i gave, but they offered no other take on where the check may've been or why it was delayed, because they had my full address to mail the stupid heads-up letter in the first place and it got to me just fine.

in any case, it's a nice little thing to have, it will go straight to the negative amount i owe for rent.

shit. T went to go visit some friends, and made some headway regarding possible job openings. I wonder if T went with copies of my resume. We went over it late last night during my frustration rant.

Don't feel like eating. Was left with some chocolate chip cookies, the soft kind that I like from Entemann's. I snacked on those and had a soda to boost my energy level.

i look at the daily calendar i have listed on this blog and it's pushed to a month ahead, to September. is that a sign or indicator of when things will finally pick up and for the better? the other night the computer calendar listed another different YEAR. Don't know what's going on with my computer, it's acting glitchy. Maybe a trojan? Fuck.

We'll see what happens next.

Survival

When I think about where I'm going or what I'm doing or how the hell did I get here, it can be dizzying. Or upsetting. Or I have moments of wonderment and awe, depending on where my grit and tenacity levels are. I got things done simply by ignoring the laughing and pushed past the bullshit to get what I needed and get where I had to go. The gumption hasn't been there in a while and now I'm trying to find it within me yet again.

I listen to the daily horoscopes, done in spanish, and try to translate for funsies or have a friend translate for me so I get the fullest meaning possible.

My worry is that I will not outrun the darkness. I like the light, I love the sun. The energy. Sometimes I wonder how much fight I have left in me. I worry about money and about my luck and health. Then I feel a little nudge, and a little pep enters my step. "Hey, luck is coming your way," I hear a whisper, clear as a bell. Is that my inner voice or outer angel?

Vaya con dios.

We all wrestle with the angel or with ourselves. And there are times we win and surprise ourselves. We gain strength and confidence to move forward each passing day. I just put one foot in front of the other as I watch others lose balance and fall. I try to help where I can but I realize I need all the help I can get.

And another loses the battle.