petty assholes

I go out in the fucking rain in order to get dinner. Spend my hard earned money for a job I give two shits about in order to start saving for my career, pay down my debt, and move out for good.

And what happens? So and so comes in with a small plate of food from a person who could not summon the energy for close to a year to cook. Someone who is petty, vindictive, and a user -- and family. So suddenly this person is up for cooking when they see a paycheck coming in?

I already let so and so know that I have zero interest in eating any food this person may suddenly start creating as I suspected that this person might. Each time I was able to predict with 100% accuracy what this person's behavior was and what they were going to do.

Then we flash forward to so and so being an idiot and continuing to push for saint of the century by being everybody's friend and not wanting to upset anybody. I went in the fucking rain for the food. I went in the fucking rain because we were in agreement, at least I thought we were, about whether to take any fucking handouts from the vindictive petty one again.

Of course, so and so wonders why they haven't been able to get the petty one out of the house. Because they've enabled the petty one to death. But hey, blood is thicker than water, right? Let's let them step all over us, run the show, run our lives, simply because the petty one squatted you out?

Not all mothers are mothers. Anyone can give birth. The mother part comes from actually nuturing and taking care of you, looking out for you, putting your needs above one's own. Yet I don't see that here, there's certainly no history of that here. And yet, the blood calls. Blood is thicker than water to justify being abused and taken advantage of.

This is why as time has gone on, I have totally lost interest, have become actually disappointed and now repulsed by the bullshit that is allowed to occur simply because of relations.

This is total bullshit. And I hope so and so finds someone who likes being made a carpet as much as so and so does because by doing what so and so is doing, and then harping on another relative who is using tough love tactics on this same petty person by saying "good luck, I tried, it doesn't work" tells me that the only difference is that this other person actually has a more healthier sense of self and is actually concerned about the petty one getting off their haunches and getting a life of their own so they are not a burden to the family or anyone else for that matter.

There's nothing wrong with this. Yet it scares so and so to death. So and so likes to have people dependent on them, makes them feel important and useful.

I am so fucking done. If I could come into some major funds, I'd be out of here and out of their lives in a heartbeat because so and so simply doesn't want to understand that in order to have their own life, they have to claim it and if it means putting so called user family 'over there' at a distance, so be it. But so and so won't do it no matter how much so and so is put upon. So and so likes being abused and can't imagine a life doing anything else to the point that they can only think of suicide if things WERE to get worse. So and so cannot imagine just getting their own life, this is way too scary for her.

I'm glad I was able to write this down because I was actually angry about this tired old topic we keep dancing about on. It's time to take that old record off and find a new one.

Although my tactic is: if you are a mean spiteful turd to me, I will give you exactly what you dish out and you will eat it. Fuck you.

Dreams and family relations

Yesterday my sister popped into my head. The one I called a sister, even though techincally we were not blood related. But I found that a very minor insignificant point. She did not, however. And there was a deliberateness to her separating.

We haven't spoken to each other in over a year simply because she cannot come clean with her sneaky actions. She and I had a falling out because I knew she was not being truthful and was deliberately interrupting people's lives over it. She chose to have her girlcrush intact as opposed to realizing she needed to wake the fuck up and live the life she chose and created. She did not have a gun pointed at her head but wants to have her cake and eat it too like the spoiled five year old she is.

To say I am still very annoyed and angry about her soap opera games is putting it mildly. The disappointment in me screams. Yet from time to time, she will pop in my head, and I miss her. And that just makes me more angry. Because she did this to herself and was willing to throw me under the bus for some stupid fantasy.

So this morning I awoke to a dream where I saw my godchild and realized how tall she'd gotten. She still looked the same, but had gotten taller and we were sitting at my mother's house. Somehow T and C got to visit her and bring her to visit me. It was like, my sister trusted them to bring my godchild to me. I found that rather odd.

All I kept thinking was how big she'd gotten. I was in awe mixed with a bit of sadness.

Then I was at some bus stop, had reached a destination and finished my visitation and needed to get on another bus to go home and went to buy my ticket and find my bus. Then I woke up. Interesting.