Sex. The last frontier.

With Eat Love Pray hitting the theaters, and copies of the book being given out amongst women, the story about finding oneself and realizing who you are is not lost on me. It's been something I've been attempting to figure out for a long time. I know I've always been me, and that is satisfying if simple to realize. Perhaps the simplicity of this just 'being me' is what is tricking me from time to time. Who am I? What am I? What will I do in times of stress, hardship or joy? I know this: I am my best when under pressure, when things are tight, I just tuck my head down, roll up my sleeves and get to work. Grimy or not. *grin* When times are good, when someone who is a relatively good and sane person loves me or could be seen as a potential love interest, I immediately shoot myself in the foot. I become 'not myself' and fall apart in a spectacular doubting mess. Those who know me shake their heads and tell me to stop being afraid. I am so seemingly unafraid of so much yet vulnerability and relating such with another human being? ACKKKKK!

There are classes on sexuality, learning different things, techniques, possibly learning what my preferences are, that kind of thing. It'll be my own Eat Love Pray, without having to leave home in order to do it. I can discover my own undiscovered country. It will be a great learning experience. It's time to know me as a woman and what I want in a sexual partner once and for all. And I won't get fat or starve in the process.

pounding your head against the wall, when you stop it feels so good...?

Recurring themes. Worry about money, career, worry about having people in my life that love, accept and understand me. Worry about being taken advantage of, being taken for granted.

AUGH.

I like being dependable, being depended on. However, it can work against me in that people can't help but take me for granted. Oh, she'll never not be there. She would never leave me. She loves me. Uh-huh. Yes I do. But I'm also someone who can only take so much neglect and abuse before I move on, never to look back.

And yes, I have done it. And most likely will do it again.

Will continue to focus on what I need to do and not worry about anybody else. Just got to.