Keeping things hidden

The battle begins as far as how much I should say and not say. I watch as I see people spinning out of control with their frustrations. I know that a lot of them have worked together for a long time. I can't honestly say that I'll be there forever -- can I be content working there for, say, a decade or until retirement? I honestly can't say that. I believe in taking things one day at a time. I am not interested in getting involved in being frustrated on someone not coming through in a timely manner.

I'm on borrowed time. This money is to go to what I want to do -- pay off my debt, stabilize my credit, take some classes and save for my real creative pursuits. I just have to stay focused, and not allow the drama to suck me in.

I just remembered I have to do something, on my creative side!

Outta whack

Tomorrow I have an early morning appointment with an agency that I've been playing time tag with. Today on a related but separate note, I get a phone call from another HR person that I've cultivated a business relationship with on my own that they were thinking of me regarding a job opening they had -- and they had gone on vacation, trying to remember my information and figuring when they got back they would have to check their files -- and then lo and behold they come back from vacation and had seen the email I sent as my check-in I sent the other day just to say hello and find out any new leads. They thanked me for even sending my updated resume. I laughed and said "that's it, that's a sign!" HR laughed too. They brought up another position too, so they're going to submit me to both. They both have not as complex responsibilities and the pay is lower than I'd like, (I may be considered "overqualified" -- one may even think I'll leave in 3 or 6 months -- unlikely, but there's no guarantee in life, is there?) but I consider it a good viable opportunity, as I explained, it would be in my neighborhood area, (meaning I cut down on transportation costs YAYYY me) and it's an organization I've been really wanting to work for, as they are well aware. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have been following up every other month as I have been.

So because of my diligence and periodic checking in, things seem to be looking up.

Between that and depositing the check today and doing laundry yesterday, things are starting to move forward. Started clearing up my room. Have to remind myself I have an actor-related class tomorrow hours after the interview. I should have tried to put in something else inbetween the morning meeting and evening meet so I don't waste the train ride, but what the hey. I have to wear a bit of a monkey-suit for tomorrow which will not be comfortable after a few hours going to the acting class. I'll figure something out.

Tonight I will need to check my grooming and take a quick shower because I will need to be ready and out the door for my 'lookee-loo" with this other agency. I'm walking in with nothing to lose. Let's see how it goes.

Meanwhile, my eating patterns have been kind of wonky but I've been sleeping well for a change. Had a dream where this pink/peach home was where people I knew were hanging out, and spanish music was playing, I think, salsa music. And I was trying to find the way in, as I was being greeted by others. Hmm. Wonder what it meant.

My stomach's acting up. AUGH! I tried to eat light today but I was hungry. So now I have to pay for it. Yuck!

Looking for money in all places

While I keep seeing commercials for "cash for clunkers" (amazing how people aren't motivated by money, they claim they want to help the environment, but yet could have just bought a more environmentally friendly car and chose not to), I continue to look for ways to make money.

Came across an ad for WebMD, where one can be diagnosed if one claims to be depressed. If I already know what's wrong with me why exactly would I need ot take a test? The flip side of that is, once I prove I am indeed depressed, I MAY get an audition for some kind of health segment. The money sounds lovely. The issue I have is, they will be be able to poll a lot of people regarding their personal information, which could be priceless or at least more expensive to have than just bringing in some people to audition for two minutes each.

In any case, I'm relaxing and going to take a shower in a few in order to get ready for my afternoon appointment. I'm also waiting to hear back on one temp (open ended) gig, and got information on another agency that another person advised they already got a temp gig out of.

I'm off to suss out more money.

It's only 12:10 but I'm already working to stop the pacing in my head. Simply because of finances.

Worrying won't make things better or change things. I'm tired of punishing myself mentally when things don't go right or things get delayed.

It's just wasted energy. I've played with the idea to send my resume on to get looked at, without charge, by having a friend review it. They probably will have no idea what to do about it since they never worked as an assistant.

Meanwhile, I've been sleeping like a champ. Having weird dreams, waking up thinking I was already awake. Grinding my teeth. Augh. Not a good sign.

money, choices and life decisions

So money's tight. Again. And again.

Shit.

I've been applying for all kinds of jobs in hopes that something will open up for me. What else can I do, roll up and die?

Next week is another week. I work next week a three day possibly four day stint. I have to look at this as positive and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

A part of me knows I'm not alone, and I want to continue to be as supportive of others as they have been to me. I keep wanting to hear more good thoughts and good news.

Haven't been sleeping well. Breaking nights for over a week. I know it's because I'm worrying over the finances. I have to continue to take one step at a time and not falter, not look down just straight ahead.

honesty and cash flow

Broke night. Watched the sun rise. Again. I should be grateful I'm getting to see these as I'm not up to see the sun come up very often. It's during times like a sunrise or sunset where one ponders one's humanity, their success and failings, frailty, and beauty.

However, it also means one's awareness is not very sharp and I walked around today in a bit of a fog. I was hungry but did not really register the food except for the tangy sharpness of the ketchup as T and I finished brunch today after T's doctor's appointment.

T handed me two twenty dollar bills along with the bill that had been written up by the waiter and walked out of the place to wait for me. There was a little line, with two people ahead of me and the cashier was nowhere to be seen. After a minute, she came forward and collected from one, then as she counted the money, I could see she was rushed. The other lady who was waiting said, "Oh, you can go ahead," and I said, "I am waiting until she is done with this prior order," as the woman was still doublechecking the money in her drawer before closing it after giving the other customer their change. The other lady said she had to pay with a credit card which is why she was telling me to go ahead.

Then the cashier took my bill and the two twenty dollar bills, peered at the bill, then went to count out change. She handed it back to me, and I proceeded to give a $5.00 bill to the waiter and then walk out with two bills and some change and handed it to T. Turns out later the bills were one dollar bills each and I had been shortchanged $10.00.

We came home and then shortly thereafter I finally went to sleep. When I awoke around 6:10-6:15 from my nap, I was immediately told of the missing change from T. Luckily I had grabbed a menu on the way out so we had the number to the place. I called, and T walked out, and muttered that never mind we'll probably never see the money again. For $10.00, the cashier would know if the till was over, I countered, and let the phone ring.

After speaking briefly to a man there, I asked to speak to the lady cashier. I asked if she was there working around 1 pm to 2 pm today. She immediately got on and admitted she was the only one who worked the register today. I gave her my name and explained about the $10.00 and she stated that she did not handled the counting out of the drawer, that the owner did, and that she didn't know if the owner had counted out or not as she was not sure of the times when it was done. I asked for hers and she didn't give it. She did state she was the only one who handled the drawer.

She stated I could call back tomorrow. I asked if I could leave my name and number and when the drawer was counted, if it was over $10.00 could they call me. She then mentioned about the manager being there, and I patiently waited for her to finish her thought as english was not her first language. I asked if I could speak to the manager if the manager was there now. She paused, then said OK. She also added that this was the first call for today, that there had been no one else calling about the overage and no other complaints. That didn't assure me too much.

The manager got on after I heard her briefly explain the situation in another language. Then he got on, I greeted him with hello he answered hello back. I asked if he was the manager and he said yes. I asked his name and he said Angelo. I gave him my name and proceeded to tell him my story and about the till possibly being $10.00 over. He listened, then said the register had already been counted out at 3. I asked 3 in the morning or in the afternoon? He responded 3 pm today. So I said "then you can tell me if the till is over." He said yes. So I asked if it was, and he didn't answer straight away. He instead said I could come over tomorrow morning around 9 (which T reminded me would be their busiest time) and talk to another manager named Alex who would be there to help settle the matter.

I went, OK, and then said, "could I leave my name and number and have Alex call me tomorrow to see if the money's there for sure instead of me making a trip out there?" And Angel assured me that I should just come by, no worries. I said, OK, although that was all weird about his not really answering the question of whether the till was over or not.

So I said OK and we said goodbye and hung up. I went to look for T who had since disappeared during the five to ten minute conversation. I took down the names of Angel and Alex onto the menu I had of theirs and wanted to share the news. T was nowhere to be found. I went back to my room and texted a "hey where are you?" kind of a text. Three minutes later, I heard the front door unlock and T and my dog sauntered in.

I quickly gave T the update and T had no confidence we would get the money back and said to let it drop. I countered that it is $10.00 not a dollar, and that the owner wouldn't have insisted on my coming by just on the off chance the money may or may not be there. The money was there, and the manager probably wanted to downplay it without saying outright they screwed up. "I asked him if I could leave my name and number and have Alex call me back so I wouldn't have to take a trip over there, and Angel said it's OK that Alex would take care of it, so that tells me that they probably just want to doublecheck it by checking me out to see if I'm legit or not. The lady cashier who was the only one there and our waiter may remember me, so...(I'm sure the trip will not be in vain)."

T expressed doubt, but the conversation was finished. I will take the walk tomorrow morning since I'll most likely be awake. I've broken night several times. I just pray I can be more focused and the conversation is positive.