petty assholes

I go out in the fucking rain in order to get dinner. Spend my hard earned money for a job I give two shits about in order to start saving for my career, pay down my debt, and move out for good.

And what happens? So and so comes in with a small plate of food from a person who could not summon the energy for close to a year to cook. Someone who is petty, vindictive, and a user -- and family. So suddenly this person is up for cooking when they see a paycheck coming in?

I already let so and so know that I have zero interest in eating any food this person may suddenly start creating as I suspected that this person might. Each time I was able to predict with 100% accuracy what this person's behavior was and what they were going to do.

Then we flash forward to so and so being an idiot and continuing to push for saint of the century by being everybody's friend and not wanting to upset anybody. I went in the fucking rain for the food. I went in the fucking rain because we were in agreement, at least I thought we were, about whether to take any fucking handouts from the vindictive petty one again.

Of course, so and so wonders why they haven't been able to get the petty one out of the house. Because they've enabled the petty one to death. But hey, blood is thicker than water, right? Let's let them step all over us, run the show, run our lives, simply because the petty one squatted you out?

Not all mothers are mothers. Anyone can give birth. The mother part comes from actually nuturing and taking care of you, looking out for you, putting your needs above one's own. Yet I don't see that here, there's certainly no history of that here. And yet, the blood calls. Blood is thicker than water to justify being abused and taken advantage of.

This is why as time has gone on, I have totally lost interest, have become actually disappointed and now repulsed by the bullshit that is allowed to occur simply because of relations.

This is total bullshit. And I hope so and so finds someone who likes being made a carpet as much as so and so does because by doing what so and so is doing, and then harping on another relative who is using tough love tactics on this same petty person by saying "good luck, I tried, it doesn't work" tells me that the only difference is that this other person actually has a more healthier sense of self and is actually concerned about the petty one getting off their haunches and getting a life of their own so they are not a burden to the family or anyone else for that matter.

There's nothing wrong with this. Yet it scares so and so to death. So and so likes to have people dependent on them, makes them feel important and useful.

I am so fucking done. If I could come into some major funds, I'd be out of here and out of their lives in a heartbeat because so and so simply doesn't want to understand that in order to have their own life, they have to claim it and if it means putting so called user family 'over there' at a distance, so be it. But so and so won't do it no matter how much so and so is put upon. So and so likes being abused and can't imagine a life doing anything else to the point that they can only think of suicide if things WERE to get worse. So and so cannot imagine just getting their own life, this is way too scary for her.

I'm glad I was able to write this down because I was actually angry about this tired old topic we keep dancing about on. It's time to take that old record off and find a new one.

Although my tactic is: if you are a mean spiteful turd to me, I will give you exactly what you dish out and you will eat it. Fuck you.

ten minutes

I've always said that I'm not afraid of death. Only how I was going to die -- I did not want it to hurt or be violent. Perhaps curiosity. The notion that I no longer have to deal with the day in day out of "does the casting director or cute man across the room like me?" and paying bills. Growing old, dealing with the grey hairs and wrinkles and the creaking and cracking of bones that some of us get rewarded with after decades of living inside our bodies.

I missed by ten minutes someone being attacked/mugged. It didn't go well, and there was a blood curdling scream. In ten minutes a woman got beaten then stabbed. As I approached the building, there were several cops around along with the building security and several neighbors huddled amongst themselves according to clique.

As I rode the elevator, I realized there was blood spatter on the elevator walls and drops of blood on the floor. I pointed them out to T and T was horrified. I wanted to distance myself, as if it were an episode of CSI, blood spatter, blood drops. I imagined the woman was not attacked on her floor but in the elevator. How others heard the screams from so many floors up kind of surprised me.

I've seen a person killed in front of me. You think at first that you are watching an episode or something on television. Your brain tells you this is not real. You don't want to think or believe it is real. I advised T that someone has to clean down the elevator. T recoiled. Me, not so much. The danger had passed. This was just what was left. The worst part had been taken away, taken off or removed.

Maybe it will come to me full force later. I don't know. I just know there were some lookee-loos, but I want to know, who came immediately to help, not to be nosy?