time to start writing and moving on

Things are not getting better where I am. A part of me is just floating. Another part of me is waiting for another's life to begin. They say the first step that things are going downhill is when the emotional abuse begins. Unfortunately, once I am gone, I am gone, and I think that is something that no one seems to fully comprehend about me. When I am at the "had enough of it" stage, there is no contacting, no rehashing, no going over what went wrong or what could be done to improve things. I simply just cut ties and fade away, and just do not have any interest in further interacting or starting things up again.

And I find it happens when I start to relax, when I am finally allowing myself to just 'be' and not worry. And that is when things go weird, that is when people have reached their "don't care anymore" and are bored and want something new and shiny to play with. I believe, sincerely, that people simply just prefer drama, the walking on tightrope, no matter how much they complain, they enjoy it. Because having sameness, calmness, civility, knowing and having that confidence in knowing that it ain't gonna be anything but this, sends seemingly normal people over the edge of "don't care" and into another person's arms/drama.

I also found it slightly disturbing that the child of Cobain and Courtney at 18 years of age has a tattoo of lyrics from a Jeff Buckley song running down her suddenly rail thin arms. It's just too...trying too hard. Maybe she was really influenced over that female bass player that played in Hole that dated Jeff.

And I realized Jeff''s been dead over ten years as her dad. And interestingly, she doesn't have any of her father's lyrics.

Started writing an outline for a screenplay for a potential series. Maybe a 15 minute serial for the web -- why not, everything's going virtual now anyways and the production's cheaper with a faster turnaround. At least writers can still get work there.

It's 3 in the morning. This and trying to focus on getting my life in order are usually what floats in my mind about now. Well, that and dead people, and situations that have passed that can no longer be fixed or changed. Somehow my mind likes to replay things, humiliating, sad, angry, happy scenes. Then plays what if scenarios with it. Am I bored?

Time goes by so slowly. Sure Madonna.

I went into this weekend more hopeful and energetic than in some time. It's Sunday, and I'm just quiet, watching the weather change from sunny to threatening grey. I have not left the room in over three hours. I had taken a shower, eaten some cereal, and watered the plants before doing one last trip on the toilet and locked inside my room. Watching mindless television, although one segment I walked into late was how the Circ d' Soleil developed their Vegas show called LOVE with the Beatles music.

Now Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist is on. I can't imagine anyone feeling wistful or wanting to go back to that time when one's heart was so readily yanked and the cliques were all the more transparent than they were in high school. Yuck.

Tomorrow is Monday, the last day of the holiday weekend. I have yet to send a thank you note for the interview I had on Friday. It was rather short notice and I was out of breath by the time the interviews were over. Do I send a handwritten note or an email? Would an email be too impersonal? Ah, the worries.

I figure if I get really hungry for anything, I'll get inspired to know what that is. In the meantime, it's going on 5. There's not much else to do. Except to plan plan plan.