Stomach doing flip flops thinking about old job

Looking for work but took a break. I started going over what happened the last day I was at my old job, and how I wished I could have said some things, but it's history, it's over. I have to stop letting myself get into old dramas and focus on today, more positive things. And know that things are changing all the time and that good will come of it and come to me, most especially.

An occasional nibble of interest, some tests and filling out paperwork and applications, and then it's....back to the drawing board. Once in a while I'll get close to an interview, and then you start to see the little truths come out. Everyone is on their best behavior during the interview process. But you get to see, do things really go smoothly, do people really say things just to draw you in? Most jobs I knew I was going to start the minute I saw that they were showing me potential work and what they were looking for, and stating they saw on my resume that I could handle it.

But when I don't see or hear any of that, I know that it's simply a lookee-loo and a waste of my time. Oh god, have to use the bathroom. Stomach upset. Augh!

pounding your head against the wall, when you stop it feels so good...?

Recurring themes. Worry about money, career, worry about having people in my life that love, accept and understand me. Worry about being taken advantage of, being taken for granted.

AUGH.

I like being dependable, being depended on. However, it can work against me in that people can't help but take me for granted. Oh, she'll never not be there. She would never leave me. She loves me. Uh-huh. Yes I do. But I'm also someone who can only take so much neglect and abuse before I move on, never to look back.

And yes, I have done it. And most likely will do it again.

Will continue to focus on what I need to do and not worry about anybody else. Just got to.

It's only 12:10 but I'm already working to stop the pacing in my head. Simply because of finances.

Worrying won't make things better or change things. I'm tired of punishing myself mentally when things don't go right or things get delayed.

It's just wasted energy. I've played with the idea to send my resume on to get looked at, without charge, by having a friend review it. They probably will have no idea what to do about it since they never worked as an assistant.

Meanwhile, I've been sleeping like a champ. Having weird dreams, waking up thinking I was already awake. Grinding my teeth. Augh. Not a good sign.

darkness

had what i've read to be a dark night of the soul. i felt helpless, lost, depressed, frustrated, alone.

i wanted to know what this transition was all about. where was it going? was it going to end on a good note and open the doors to something better? i had no idea. it was like being one of those planes that line up behind another in the air, waiting for the OK to land. i was tired of being in the air, stuck up there, not moving, not going anywhere, just waiting, as if in suspension.

im aggravated and eager to move forward.

i woke up this morning with a pounding headache from falling asleep crying out of frustration and anger. i cancelled a meeting i had today because i felt miserable and didn't think i could share that kind of joy with another person. didn't want to rain on another's parade. so i pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep, head pounding away, jaw screaming to relax.

i woke up four hours later and found that the mail had been picked up and a check from an old gig was in the pile of mail. i looked at it, feeling a semi-smile coming on, then feeling bittersweet.

looking at the amount of that lowly check and for a gig that didn't even get mentioned in the check's re: line. It just says something like replaced as a notation, because i had never gotten the first check for the BG gig I did at 30 Rock. I wonder why it got held back and no one ever did tell me, all I got was a letter, that said under a list of companies held under one check company, that i may or may not have a check being held.

i called, they asked for my identification which i gave, but they offered no other take on where the check may've been or why it was delayed, because they had my full address to mail the stupid heads-up letter in the first place and it got to me just fine.

in any case, it's a nice little thing to have, it will go straight to the negative amount i owe for rent.

shit. T went to go visit some friends, and made some headway regarding possible job openings. I wonder if T went with copies of my resume. We went over it late last night during my frustration rant.

Don't feel like eating. Was left with some chocolate chip cookies, the soft kind that I like from Entemann's. I snacked on those and had a soda to boost my energy level.

i look at the daily calendar i have listed on this blog and it's pushed to a month ahead, to September. is that a sign or indicator of when things will finally pick up and for the better? the other night the computer calendar listed another different YEAR. Don't know what's going on with my computer, it's acting glitchy. Maybe a trojan? Fuck.

We'll see what happens next.