darkness

had what i've read to be a dark night of the soul. i felt helpless, lost, depressed, frustrated, alone.

i wanted to know what this transition was all about. where was it going? was it going to end on a good note and open the doors to something better? i had no idea. it was like being one of those planes that line up behind another in the air, waiting for the OK to land. i was tired of being in the air, stuck up there, not moving, not going anywhere, just waiting, as if in suspension.

im aggravated and eager to move forward.

i woke up this morning with a pounding headache from falling asleep crying out of frustration and anger. i cancelled a meeting i had today because i felt miserable and didn't think i could share that kind of joy with another person. didn't want to rain on another's parade. so i pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep, head pounding away, jaw screaming to relax.

i woke up four hours later and found that the mail had been picked up and a check from an old gig was in the pile of mail. i looked at it, feeling a semi-smile coming on, then feeling bittersweet.

looking at the amount of that lowly check and for a gig that didn't even get mentioned in the check's re: line. It just says something like replaced as a notation, because i had never gotten the first check for the BG gig I did at 30 Rock. I wonder why it got held back and no one ever did tell me, all I got was a letter, that said under a list of companies held under one check company, that i may or may not have a check being held.

i called, they asked for my identification which i gave, but they offered no other take on where the check may've been or why it was delayed, because they had my full address to mail the stupid heads-up letter in the first place and it got to me just fine.

in any case, it's a nice little thing to have, it will go straight to the negative amount i owe for rent.

shit. T went to go visit some friends, and made some headway regarding possible job openings. I wonder if T went with copies of my resume. We went over it late last night during my frustration rant.

Don't feel like eating. Was left with some chocolate chip cookies, the soft kind that I like from Entemann's. I snacked on those and had a soda to boost my energy level.

i look at the daily calendar i have listed on this blog and it's pushed to a month ahead, to September. is that a sign or indicator of when things will finally pick up and for the better? the other night the computer calendar listed another different YEAR. Don't know what's going on with my computer, it's acting glitchy. Maybe a trojan? Fuck.

We'll see what happens next.