Friends...love 'em need 'em or leave them?

What constitutes a friend? What makes one person a "keeper" and another not so much? There are several levels of friends, but I usually break it down to two categories, acquaintance and friend. Someone I see every day at work is not a friend but an acquaintance, a work colleague, nothing more nothing less. I do not view these people as confidantes to my personal life. Although the lines between what I do after work seem to be blurring for others, I myself do not feel comfortable sharing my personal life with people who are only there for a check or could use this private information to get me fired. Not that I'm doing anything illegal or immoral, it's just simply giving too much power to someone who may not talk to you if one of you is fired or leaves the company for another paying gig. Just saying. A true friendship to develop is one who continues to talk to you after one of you is long gone. I can count on one hand how many times that has happened. Not too many, I can tell you that truthfully.

Then there's the challenge of when is it time to let a friendship go? When to let it die? Do you simply drift off without a word to each other? When it is time to let go? Yes, life does get in the way. People get married, people move away, people get promoted or change jobs. Then what? Do you just fade quietly away? How much effort should you put into a friendship? Is the friendship worth working on?

Sometimes I find myself having conversations in my head with someone I consider a best friend. I've known him a long time, and even to this day don't know everything about him. He's very mysterious, just taking off a layer at a time has taken years. I know I have done my fair share of staying in touch, to let him know I'm there for him, that I support his choices, his decisions, and share in his triumphs and debacles.

I've seen him through his bumps in life with romance, work, family, and other friends. I've seen him troubled, doubting himself. I've seen him grow as a person, and become a bit more open to the world, only to retreat when he thinks things are getting too predictable or vulnerable.

I've also seen the predictable side to him. He only calls when he needs something, whether it be a verbal boost, a shot in the arm of "you can do it you know you can" or someone who doesn't judge him too harshly when he's clearly not thinking things through.

"I know you will tell it like it is," he tells me. Well, that's a delightful thing to a person if they are searching for an honest opinion or advice. If one is feeling a bit vulnerable or delicate, they don't exactly always want to hear the truth unadorned and sometimes want to be served the truth gently. Yet the truth can't be served gently.

To let go. To love enough to let go. Let live. Let go. Sigh. I've survived letting go before. It's always a constant, isn't it? That nothing lasts forever. That death is inevitable to all and to me.

Arggggh! Getting deep at 5:49 in the morning after inhaling bleach fumes after cleaning out the dog's lawn pad. I'm grateful she's housebroken, but the cleanup's a bitch.

Maybe that's it. The bleach. I ruined yet another shirt. ARGGGHHH!

I am tired. At least the dog's OK. Think she's got the runs.

Oh, back to friends. Keep it alive or when to let it go.

Right now, I know I am being used and it's one-sided. He only comes up for air when he's truly exhausted everything else nearby. And I've dealt with it before, even though it irked me a bit at times. I even pointed it out to him that I've been feeling like a compromise, the "plan B", the "in case of emergency break glass" person, the "go to" person when he's bored with whomever his latest playmate is. Like a pet, really.

And he got offended. And denied it. OK. Maybe so. Maybe he just doesn't realize it. But he's not a dumb man.

And I'm told it's because I don't have a lot of friends and that by being so selective, that my numbers so few, that I overthink or overcompensate on whoever is a friend to me, that I get exhausted or they do, I dunno.

Would this be different if I had a booming social life? I socialize, I just don't cling to everyone I meet. I don't make everyone an automatic friend, they have to earn that special membership card, so to speak. They have to prove I can trust them, and even then I have to take the leap of faith to be vulnerable with them and that's hard for me.

Or I've just met the male version of myself and I need to stop overanalyzing. He knows I'm here. And I have to just let things be.