the sex thing always gets in the way

Best line in a film? "Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." How true. Before it was easy to just relax and just eat and laugh and drink and hang out, but those days are seemingly over. I have to constantly watch what I say, because everyone's fucking monitoring. Of course, some people are like, "well, we never thought you lacked in confidence", but in reality, I'm a fucking human being like everyone else, and there are days when I feel my fragility more than others. Ok?

There's a marked shift in relationships. I have very little tolerance for other's bullshit, that hasn't changed. Communication levels and common sense levels are in the toilet. It's amazing work gets done at all, I can only imagine how much time is wasted and how many deadlines are missed simply because people are uninspired or don't care.

A part of me quickly goes about making like I understand those around me. A lot of them are simple, they are just waiting for the bell to ring so they can leave like lemmings. I never see as much energy and enthusiasm and smiles than when it's five o'clock. You can time everything to when they know it's five. Yet ask them where a file is or why they can't retain the same phone number they've asked for (and you've given without attitude) three times in a row and it's like a fucking mind-bending session with a piece of shriveled fruit.

Back to sex.

And friends.

Awkwardness.

I want to get close to people I care about and love. They don't make it easy, though. It's tough to get some decent alone time with them, and then they look like a lobster trying to get out of the boiling pot. They are uncomfortable, they don't like communication and exchanging ideas and thoughts as that's just way too intimate. They'd rather fuck in the dark, listlessly yet urgently like a dog does when he looks to the left as if he's reading instructions while fucking another dog.

Are people that immune or that starved for conversation? Have we become inept in social graces? yet blogs show up all the time, everyone has a comment or point of view. Why isn't anyone TALKING to each other? Know why? Because no one wants to listen and comprehend. Ego pushes you to be the only one talking. It could be about absolutely nothing.

I have been known to let silence be my guide. I will let minutes pass before I say anything, just taking in the scenery, chewing my food, pause to sip, thinking over what someone just told me in a conversation to figure out if it's something I could agree or disagree with.

There's adventure. Places to see, things to experience. Yet. There's people to meet. Each person I meet reflects a part that I am afraid to see. Which part is that? The closing off part. Further closing off who I am because creating and maintaining a friendship is a lot of work.

There are times I would rather read a book. And sex is overrated. Too many stupid decisions are made based on whether someone can make you cum. It's not worth it.