continue to write as I downfall, trip, and look to stabilize

The desire to write is fleeting. It is hard not to edit myself the minute I put something down, because I have fear for who might read it. Fear of the laughter, the always looking, wanting to see what internal dialogue I may have. From the time I was little, it was always the same.

Had siblings seek, unlock and underline especially juicy parts and show to parents, had lovers search through my belongings, unlock and read portions of my thoughts only to have it thrown back in my face. "You're always writing, every day you write stuff down, and for what? THIS is what you really think? How dare you!" The message was I had no right to think those thoughts, I was, in essence, dirty and shameful to them. And the anger. My god, the anger.

Diaries were my source of keeping my sanity, of making sense of what happened to me, and what I couldn't control throughout the day. My impressions and feelings, both of people and myself. A part of me wondered why things were the way the were, while another part was resigned to it.

Those who have known me for a long time marvel at how I still continue to struggle with this, that I just simply haven't resigned myself over completely and 'grown up'. So, growing up means acceptance of what is, not wanting or working for what could be, and putting daydreams to rest once and for all.

But you see, that's the worst thing about adulthood. The sense of playfulness, of wonder, of righteousness, is over. What is left? A dull colorless world. Yes, you are realistic, but a lot dies in the eyes. No wonder it frightened me so to look into certain people's eyes. Death was already there, even if they were physically healthy. The light just ... goes.

Meanwhile, there is life to life, and a life to create, whether it's having a child or creating a new path for myself. I'd like to think I still have some choices, and that everything will come together one way or another. I believe there's no such thing as coincidence, and that everyone has a right to pursue their happiness as long as it's not at the expense of another. Which is tough. That's a lot when there's so many people in the world and they all want the other one to disappear or die.

These past few weeks have been tough. But it's starting to get light. I'm seeing the light. It's coming. And it's all OK. I will be OK. That is certain.