on reading writing and comprehension

Thoughts can just pop in one's head. One can wonder where they come from. I remember reading somewhere that thoughts are energy. Yeah, something esoteric like that.

Then as I awoke, with dreams of meeting people from India after watching a program of some British people going to work for a week or several in Indonesia to work on farms to find out where their prawns came from, I wondered.

x was going to attend college, and all their paperwork was finally in order, they got their financial aid and they announced how happy they were to move forward. I was happy for them.

Somehow though, I wondered. x had trouble being anywhere for more than two hours, and if the weather was bad, or about to change, the arthritis would surely do x in and wouldn't be able to attend let alone pay attention in class.

I recall having discussed that we would invest in a video cam, to attach to the computer so x could attend classes from home without having to worry about travel or their bones crunching.

x is determined to go physically to class. And mutters quickly about it. There is no mention of any other classes, because the whole point of x going back to college was to finish and get a diploma of some kind.

Have heard nothing else. And asking seems to be the last thing, from the vibe I get, that x wants me to really get into. X was the same way when they reconnected with a bunch of old schoolmates from high school -- suddenly these people were x's world, and x stood on defensive, waiting for someone, anyone, to say something simply because x filled up all their time with these people's problems and lives. It's as if x was living in a vacuum all this time and needed air and these people were x's salvation, their saving grace. It didn't help when x indeed got upset and defended these people who were unknown to them less than six months prior, and cried how they were the best friends x never had and how much they had done for x.

I virtually had no idea what they had done -- had they given x money? Had they found x a new mate to assure x how fine they were? I asked what had they done? X could not really explain fully. It was a matter of, x was waiting for someone to say something, when in fact x had completely ignored everyone around them, and didn't think anything was the matter. Phone calls and emails had to be answered immediately, and when ten people are writing you within minutes of each other, and you are carrying conversations and feel you must answer them right away, then that takes time away from everything and everyone else.

I tried to explain that I was happy for x, because socializing is a great thing, and reconnecting is something marvelous. However, when the texting and phone calls came at all hours of the day and night, then something had to give. X didn't see it that way and wanted me to mind my business even if it cost x spending any time with me.

I realized that x had a lot of resentment towards me and was basically bored with me. X wanted stimulating conversation with other adults, and these people were certainly coming with a lot of information seeing that x hadn't seen them in 20 years and thus had a lot to catch up on. Every day was texting and phone call marathon and once x hung up the phone, there were ten messages waiting for x to answer.

I would check my emails, play videogames, watch t.v., read books. This was my lifeline and my way of showing respect for x's newly found playmates were taking all x's time and focus.

So now that x is focused on going to school, the vid cam is history, and x is determined to go to class because that's where they would learn properly. I said nothing, and simply nodded. X's not looking me in the face and speaking hurriedly told me all I needed to know. Basic body language.

I told myself it was good for x to get out of the house. X was getting out of the house anyway, by running errands, hanging out with their old friends every week, and generally being left alone to their devices every day of the week. X had some freedom, and didn't answer to me. I had to leave well enough alone.

However, every aspect of my life was pretty transparent. I didn't hide anything from x. I didn't just disappear and not tell x what was going on. I pretty much didn't have the same booming social life x had. X told me they felt guilt about this and I told them that guilt was a luxury they couldn't afford -- plus it was a total waste of precious energy.

I assessed what I could do to make my life more exciting and found very little. People were a disappointment and most of them were in competition anyway. I found them very nosy about non-important things, and didn't focus on more interesting aspects like what books they read, did they travel, what did they value most about life and living?

These things I found more important about people to find out than how old they were and whether or not they were married at some time. I personally didn't care and thus didn't like it when I was asked. They were silly insignificant questions to me and I would answer as dully or as clean as I could in order to get to the more interesting stuff.

Perhaps if I was disappearing taking classes and not getting into the day to day stuff, then x wouldn't be as curious as me and just take it in stride. But it's x's m.o. to be mysterious about the seemingly ordinary shit. I try to respect x's boundaries although I'm pretty transparent about mine.

The reason x is attending school finally is because x had been talking about it for years. It was one of those unfinished things x mused about when feeling depressed about how their life had not gone according to plan. I stated that it's time to get this done, because I was tired of hearing about them not getting anything done and that they were just going to wasting away always poor not being able to ever pull themselves from their spiral.

I said, this is what you can do, and you can do it from the comfort of home via online classes. We are in the 21st century, you have no more excuses. You have the time, you can get financial aid easily, so let's go and get this done and you will have accomplished something, and I think that will do well for your ego and your mind, seriously.

So what does x do? Focus on language class. Instead of doing the fucking classes they need to take to finish and get a degree of some kind, finally. We were taking language classes prior, but had to stop as money had dried up. Now I am working, and wondering what to do because the language class is still available.

I am thinking of taking an intensive one on one class, to study with a native speaker, and get the pronunciations and tones down. For more than one language. For now, I will practice with what I originally learned, and go back to the same school I went to before.

I need to learn, and once I master that, I will go on with another language. I am furious with myself that I need anyone to hold my fucking hand. This I will do on my own, it is time I get off my ass and get busy with my own life.