1) no more lingering doubts, anger, worry. no more lingering thoughts or word on old jobs and old mistakes and old stresses
2) commit to my health, get in shape, eat more veggies
3) re-commit to finding a job that can help supplement income. do not get involved with office people.
4) re-commit to retaking mandarin and a writing class at Gotham.
5) be happier
Saturday, December 31, 2011
linking online going up everywhere
FB, Google, now Blogger. All wanting eagerly to help "attach" all blogs and email accounts to ONE source so the government can track you more easily and faster. God bless America.
Friday, December 23, 2011
It's getting close to Christmas 2011
And this year, although money's been tight, I've been managing. Still haven't found a job that can cover what I need along with the hours, but I know that waiting is only part of the jobsearch game. I've been submitting, and being selective about what I want. I have looked for part time as well as full time in order to get a paycheck as well as the flexible hours I want. Employers seemingly have a long list of wants for their prospective employee but offer very little incentive in return. Even salaries are discouragingly low. Yet I continue to perservere. I continue to think positive and continue the job search daily.
Thoughts of where I was at a year ago, and thoughts of what has come to pass this year have visited me lately. Must be because of the time of year, New Year's is not that far behind Christmas. I am grateful for a roof over my head and food to eat along with my health. I am soooo looking forward to money opportunities a-plenty coming to me and my being awake and aware enough to grab them as they come.
I continue the hustle, I continue to be hopeful and not dwell too much on negative thoughts, things and people. I have gone out of my way for people one too many times with very little regard or thought given to me. While I do things out of kindness and courtesy, it wouldn't hurt to have some of that same energy and kindness extended back to me. What's the saying, what you give out will come back to you, sometimes even in greater amounts than you initially gave?
I've played Powerball and Mega. Wouldn't hurt to dream a little and focus on receiving big bucks. I could do so much with that money. Going back to school for one thing, along with travelling the world. All without a care in the world. I would just indulge in my love of learning. What a luxury that would be.
And making some new friends. That would be lovely. It would be nice to meet some new people and just relax and just....be.
Thoughts of where I was at a year ago, and thoughts of what has come to pass this year have visited me lately. Must be because of the time of year, New Year's is not that far behind Christmas. I am grateful for a roof over my head and food to eat along with my health. I am soooo looking forward to money opportunities a-plenty coming to me and my being awake and aware enough to grab them as they come.
I continue the hustle, I continue to be hopeful and not dwell too much on negative thoughts, things and people. I have gone out of my way for people one too many times with very little regard or thought given to me. While I do things out of kindness and courtesy, it wouldn't hurt to have some of that same energy and kindness extended back to me. What's the saying, what you give out will come back to you, sometimes even in greater amounts than you initially gave?
I've played Powerball and Mega. Wouldn't hurt to dream a little and focus on receiving big bucks. I could do so much with that money. Going back to school for one thing, along with travelling the world. All without a care in the world. I would just indulge in my love of learning. What a luxury that would be.
And making some new friends. That would be lovely. It would be nice to meet some new people and just relax and just....be.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Stomach doing flip flops thinking about old job
Looking for work but took a break. I started going over what happened the last day I was at my old job, and how I wished I could have said some things, but it's history, it's over. I have to stop letting myself get into old dramas and focus on today, more positive things. And know that things are changing all the time and that good will come of it and come to me, most especially.
An occasional nibble of interest, some tests and filling out paperwork and applications, and then it's....back to the drawing board. Once in a while I'll get close to an interview, and then you start to see the little truths come out. Everyone is on their best behavior during the interview process. But you get to see, do things really go smoothly, do people really say things just to draw you in? Most jobs I knew I was going to start the minute I saw that they were showing me potential work and what they were looking for, and stating they saw on my resume that I could handle it.
But when I don't see or hear any of that, I know that it's simply a lookee-loo and a waste of my time. Oh god, have to use the bathroom. Stomach upset. Augh!
An occasional nibble of interest, some tests and filling out paperwork and applications, and then it's....back to the drawing board. Once in a while I'll get close to an interview, and then you start to see the little truths come out. Everyone is on their best behavior during the interview process. But you get to see, do things really go smoothly, do people really say things just to draw you in? Most jobs I knew I was going to start the minute I saw that they were showing me potential work and what they were looking for, and stating they saw on my resume that I could handle it.
But when I don't see or hear any of that, I know that it's simply a lookee-loo and a waste of my time. Oh god, have to use the bathroom. Stomach upset. Augh!
Few days' respite
The past couple of days I have been staying at K's place, away from the confines of my other housing. It's been a nice change of pace, being able to go to the bathroom when I want, not having to worry or debate or prepare to brace myself for what I will encounter or not when I open the bedroom door. How absolutely fucking refreshing! I can't begin to describe. I feel rested and hopeful once again.
Tomorrow I face the task of getting my dog (could only kidnap one, the smaller more portable one) back to the place, in order to enjoy a Friday night watching a show for a couple of hours. Then it's back to the apartment, and facing the task of finally cleaning, putting back in order and airing out the room. I'm hoping that the laundromat is open this weekend to wash the bedsheets and pillowcases.
Today I spent cleaning the 'second home' by cleaning and scrubbing the bathroom after walking the dog and feeding and bathing him. Then I scrubbed the kitchen sink, swept the floors and did laundry, bedsheets, pillowcases and towels. Also cleaned what few clothes were lying around so K can face the week with a clean place. Once K got home from school, I went about cooking an early dinner, and it was good. I had fresh veggies to use and cook with, and K was energized to do some homework and take a nap on the fresh bedsheets.
As for me, I was able to buy the shampoo I was long overdue on and my hair feels and looks a LOT better. Last night I had a bad cough, so I think that's why I was also so gung-ho about sweeping and cleaning.
K was going to drop by the other house, I guess to see if everything was going Ok, and one phone call put K on to just forgetting that idea and coming here. Surprise surprise. Tomorrow will be a doozy. I am praying that all turns out well and we are able to go out tomorrow night. I know someone will be mighty pissed, meaning K, if we don't. Not that it will change anything but I'm not getting my blood pressure to rise over this.
And if things get retarded, I will just stay in the room and take off the next day or take off later that same night. Not worried.
Game plan: part-time job with decent pay, not long hours. Hmmmm....will continue to look.
Tomorrow I face the task of getting my dog (could only kidnap one, the smaller more portable one) back to the place, in order to enjoy a Friday night watching a show for a couple of hours. Then it's back to the apartment, and facing the task of finally cleaning, putting back in order and airing out the room. I'm hoping that the laundromat is open this weekend to wash the bedsheets and pillowcases.
Today I spent cleaning the 'second home' by cleaning and scrubbing the bathroom after walking the dog and feeding and bathing him. Then I scrubbed the kitchen sink, swept the floors and did laundry, bedsheets, pillowcases and towels. Also cleaned what few clothes were lying around so K can face the week with a clean place. Once K got home from school, I went about cooking an early dinner, and it was good. I had fresh veggies to use and cook with, and K was energized to do some homework and take a nap on the fresh bedsheets.
As for me, I was able to buy the shampoo I was long overdue on and my hair feels and looks a LOT better. Last night I had a bad cough, so I think that's why I was also so gung-ho about sweeping and cleaning.
K was going to drop by the other house, I guess to see if everything was going Ok, and one phone call put K on to just forgetting that idea and coming here. Surprise surprise. Tomorrow will be a doozy. I am praying that all turns out well and we are able to go out tomorrow night. I know someone will be mighty pissed, meaning K, if we don't. Not that it will change anything but I'm not getting my blood pressure to rise over this.
And if things get retarded, I will just stay in the room and take off the next day or take off later that same night. Not worried.
Game plan: part-time job with decent pay, not long hours. Hmmmm....will continue to look.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Unbelievable bullshit
Today was another revelatory day. A day where I find myself making some shocking insights about where I have allowed myself to come down to. How low I view myself with how little I take and how I don't ask for much. Save for books and some pens and paper to draw and write with, there's not much I need besides a roof over my head and bills paid. I enjoy being an artist, although the days of starving artist are not keen on me.
Today I found myself squirming, waiting for K to come home. I felt a change in the air, a charge of sorts, and just knew that people were not having a good day. K had let out a string of obscenities earlier, saying K's brother and his fiancee were again staying over and had not left. It didn't occur to me to say anything, I merely listened and went about my business. K went off to attend class, and I stayed behind with my dog, who was only more than content to stay with me watching t.v. in our room and just hang out there.
As time progressed, I felt the need for a bowel movement but I didn't want to go to the bathroom. I just kept checking the clock, waiting in hopes for K to come home. I figured I could wait a couple of hours, distract myself, because K had a short school day and would be coming home, as K had said.
My body said it couldn't wait, though I tried and managed for an hour to hold off. I just wanted to avoid having any interaction with anyone, it was a full house and I just did not want to inadvertently bump into anybody or give anyone an excuse as to why I was breathing wrong or why my eyes were this way or why I was not fast enough with a hello.
I just simply wanted to come and go without incident. I prayed I would be in the bathroom quick and go back into the room. The dog was not having being by itself, which meant I would have to take him with me. I opened my bedroom door and found the other two bedroom doors open, one that was to x's bedroom and the other to K's brother's room.
I quickly went to the bathroom, not peeking into anyone's room and just walking a straight line to the bathroom as I couldn't wait anymore. The dog was with me, licking my face. I placed him on the bathmat after closing the bathroom door after me and he patiently sat as I went about my business.
It was time to wipe, so I turned to the toilet paper holder, and that's when I saw that the toilet paper was running low, and probably would not be enough to wipe with, that's how low it was. I looked up into the cabinet above my head and it was...empty. Again. Just the day before there was two rolls of unopened toilet paper plus what was in the holder. WTF?! It seems that every time the brother and his fiancee was in the house, the toilet paper tended to disappear like water down a drain.
I would always try to keep an extra toilet paper roll in my room because of this issue, because then it was a battle between x and the brother about how many squares one could leave on the roll in order to avoid going out and just buying the damned TP. So for a long while I was buying the TP in the house and there was no further b.s. Of course, when it comes out of someone else's pocket, it eliminates the drama from the other idiots but it's coming out of my pocket.
I realize I can't just jump in the shower. I don't keep my soap and towel in the bathroom as they tend to be used up or disappear altogether. No respect for one's property in this house taught me long ago to keep anything I value in my room under lock and key. I realize I would have to leave the bathroom not fully clean, at least temporarily. I hear laughter coming from the brother's area. What timing. If I was paranoid, I would think they were laughing at me, I thought. They probably had no idea yet again that they ate up the TP. Still, I was not happy, and threw the empty paper holder at the wall.
So a decision had to be made. Whether I liked it or not, I had to replenish the TP as I was not sure if anyone else had TP stashed in their rooms. I flushed the toilet, cleaned up as much as I could, and picked up the dog who was jumping to get into my arms.
As I exited, I found x standing outside the door, as if they were watching a picture show on the bathroom door. "We are out of toilet paper," I announced, "wait, I'm going to see if I have an extra in my room." I go and immediately get the roll, and as I turn to bring the roll, I find x standing there holding a roll, as if they had been there the whole time waiting to put in a roll. X shows the roll, I say, "Here, put this in the bathroom too, because we tend to go through a lot of toilet paper here anyway, we just had two in there the day before." And x nods and takes it and I head back to my room.
I turn back to my room and I notice the brother and his new roomie saying nothing, motionless, as I pass by. I state, "At least we have toilet paper now," and I went and closed my door behind me. I sighed and looked at my dog. At least we have each other, I thought, then the second thought, once K got home, I could take a shower as K entertained the dog. I just did not trust anyone else with the dog and prior experience backed that up. I'll get to that in a later post.
K texted "on my way". I wrote back yay, and left it at that. I thought about texting to pick up TP but decided to leave it alone. I made a mental note to pick up more later that day as my stash was now depleted. K came home and rang the bell as the bottom lock was somehow on. I went to answer the door, because apparently the brother wasn't expecting a meal delivery, otherwise he would have jumped up like his hair was on fire to get the door. I peeked through the peephole; it was K. I opened the door, found the bottom lock on, and apologized, stating I didn't lock that, and K. was like "I knew it wasn't you, why are you apologizing?"
So I went back to my room, and not before x was standing there, watching. I walked by and K asked x if they locked it, and x confirmed they had. They didn't state why and I didn't stick around to hear the story, and kept it moving.
When K came into the room, I gave a short version of what had happened with the TP and was hoping to take a shower if K could watch the dog. After I got out of the shower, refreshed and relieved, K had a question waiting for me. K asked if I had taken my dog into the bathroom with me. I confirmed I had. I then asked, "why is that important?" And K goes "that's weird", and I go, well, you weren't here, so how would you know I took my dog to the bathroom with me? I've done it before when you were here, K. K acts like this is the first time. I reminded K it wasn't, and I was curious to know why this was so important to ask about. Was I putting the dog in some kind of danger? I asked. No. Just weird. Weird, I countered, coming from who? Who put the idea in your mind to inspire you to come ask me about it and why is it so important to know?
Why? Because x deemed it so. And so it began. I was pissed. It wasn't enough that I had to walk around with my clean interrupted because the TP was out again when a bunch of people are chatting and laughing in the house, any one of them could've gone to the store but they were playing the five squares of TP left game. I was beyond tired of this b.s. and wished they would all stop the nonsense. But that wasn't crazy. It wasn't weird if K's family played stupid games, and were lazy f-ks, they were K's family.
I am so tired of giving 'blood' a free pass on stupidity, pissiness and just plain cruelty.
Turns out that the laughter I heard was about me. Turns out they all found it funny I took my dog into the bathroom and had a hearty backslap over it. So at least it wasn't over the fact of the TP war. No, they found something much more important to bond over because they all lead such busy and important lives.
What got me was how K felt they had to be a messenger to relay a bunch of silly people's silly message. I wanted to know who the f-k cares what they thought? Obviously K thought it was of some importance to relay to me. It wasn't. It was inane and stupid and there are times I swear that K has no filter. Not when it comes to K's family. They can do no wrong and K seems to take pride on how low and idiotic they can get with each other and with whoever they declare is non-blood. Yet non-blood helps pay their rent and keep a roof over their heads and gives them toilet paper to wipe their sorry asses. That does not give them free license to act the fool with me.
Yet lots of times I was warned by K to not say anything, don't react, don't get involved. Just sit and go about my life, and pay my portion of the rent in the process. "As long as I live and breathe, you will always have a home," was K's declaration and oath to me. It's been hard as I've always been on my own, and being alone I had to just rely on myself. K advised that "those days are over" and that I needed to trust. Yep. Ok.
But that trust comes with a price. A psychological one. I found myself trying to hold in my bowel movement in order to avoid any contact with x and K's brother and fiancee. That says a LOT. I am holding myself, like a scared child, like a dog, waiting for its owner to come home, waiting to get their leash to be taken outside to do their business. And I wept from shame and realization of this.
K quietly says I shouldn't have to hold my bowels, and I just shook my head and said that K simply didn't see and was just in the middle of this stupid inane drama. "What's the big deal about the question?" K asked. "The big deal is, the question didn't come from you." I explained. "Yes it did," K said, not understanding. I tried again, "You weren't here in this house when this happened with the toilet paper. Who put the idea in your mind, who INSPIRED you, to create this question in you to ask me?" Then K got it.
"This inspiration comes from x, the person who is having yet another TP war with your brother," I went further, "This inspiration comes from someone who is upset that I don't let the dog loose to go play with them, because they have a habit of trying to trap the dog in their room when I HAVE let the dog loose. Our first dog is obese, cries out in leg pain, and has to be carried and placed on beds or floors and is diabetic. Not due to you or me but to x, stuffing the dog with treats that we kept telling x not to buy or give to the dog but did x listen? No. Our first dog sleeps or stays with x every fucking day, do you hear me complain? Do you see me banging the door down to x's room snatching that dog away and insisting that dog stay with me? No. I had to make peace and stick my tongue up my ass to accept that the dog had to stay with x because it kept x happy and busy. Now this second dog, x wants a piece of that one too? I told you no way, I was going to fight for this one not to become the wreck the first one did. I have never lied to you or misled you about the dogs. X has." K goes, "I get it now, I get it now." "Do you really? You come here to say something's weird, because x the weird one states it so and you come here to play middle man to x's bullshit? Who made you the police man? Who made you the messenger? Why do you continue to enable x's bullshit, seriously? You've known me for over ten years, I've been in the trenches with you, you know me, at least I thought you did, and yet you seem eager to question me like you are the f-king gestapo. You tell me you question me because you want to confirm what x says as you say x is losing their mind. Well, you know this. Yet you ask me, so I'm supposed to buy your bull that you are not asking me because you simply want to catch me in a lie?" K goes, "No, not true, I just want to know if what x is saying is true." "How about realizing that x is not gonna get any better and start dealing with that? How about remembering that no matter what, x is about drama and stirring shit up that don't need to be started? Why do you play into x's hands every time?" K just sits there.
"It's not easy to be here, and I know, I put myself here. I have no one to blame, I let myself go and put myself into this situation," I went on. "But after all this time, it seems you don't trust me, you don't believe me, like I'm the bad guy, like I'm the one that has to prove I'm not the crazy one every time or every other time. I'm tired. I just f-kin' realized that I have allowed myself to be degraded to being like a fu-kin' dog waiting for its owner to come home and take it out for a walk. I was HOLDING MY BOWEL MOVEMENT, K, to avoid this bullshit and yet the drama still came to me. What does that tell you?"
"I am a grown woman, and yet I'm finding myself hesitating to go and use the toilet because I don't know what mood I'm gonna find x when I open my door? You find that odd? You find that normal?" I ask, "I help pay the rent here. Yet you tell me I'm the weird one? Really? If I don't say hello quick enough, x comes to you about it, if I don't take one dog down for a walk, there's static, if I take the dog, there's static, if x feeds the dog the wrong foods, I still end up paying for it somehow. Is x ever gonna pay the fucking vet bill? We have avoided taking the first dog to the vet for over two years now because the dog is OBESE and I already got yelled at by the vet because of it. Why should I be yelled at by the vet when x is doing this deliberate shit? X hears the word no and just spirals out of control like some hateful five year old. It's not x's life they're playing with now, it's an innocent dog, okay? Every time that dog yelps or cries in pain, it's because of x, and you have no one to blame but x. Yet the abuse continues. And you want me to not say anything about it not create waves, like that's the least of your problems, K. I have told you, time and again, that when it comes to kids and animals, I will speak up. Yet you just want everyone to shut up and let x spin the drama and we're all puppets. You reward x for bad behavior, there's no consequence. We have an overgrown child in the house and it's not cute."
I was pissed. Then K was about, live your life. Live my life? How? I try to go about my business and stay out of the way of stupid people, even if I have to live with them, I don't have to interact with them as long as I'm paying my portion of the rent. I go to my room, I buy and eat my own food and drink, and do chores in the house like taking out the kitchen trash and cleaning the bathroom, things that people in the house think magically happen on their own. I scrub the toilet and sink, clean up the loose hairs and toothpaste gobs left behind by everyone else, do this at least twice a week with all the traffic we have in the house. Any laundry I buy my own detergent and wash my clothes at the laundromat. If I use anything, I ask permission first. Because I was taught that what is not yours, you ask to use, it's just common civility and manners.
The refrigerator I helped pitch in to buy a new one as the old one conked down and in my action to go to Sears and plunk down my credit card, 'shamed' x and certain family members to put down some money to help pitch in for it. The stove has yet to be replaced, and I was told by x's relative it was because I was living there, I should buy it. Mind you, I didn't do the bulk of the cooking, and the relative in question enjoyed getting freshly cooked hams done that x specialized in making for holidays and parties. These hams were done in oven part that now no longer works. It's been at least two years later and the stove part works but the oven does not. I have offered to buy a new stove but K said no, to let others in the family step up.
It's yet another version of the TP war -- everyone will just stand around and wait for someone to give in and replenish the stash. Bunch of lazy cruel a-holes. Get a life already! The irony of telling me to get one when apparently the highlight of your life is watching what I do? Seriously?
Get a life, pissants.
Later, when we are calm, K's brother comes into the room, after knocking first, and proceeds to ask what is going on, what happened, and states that if anything happened....dot dot dot. And he squares his shoulders to further make his point. And K looks at him and says what do you mean by that? And K's brother at first sticks to his point then blinks and backs down, saying he thought he heard yelling and something about me and the dog. K, after having our conversation, asks him the same thing, "where did you hear that?" Eventually K's brother admits it was x. K goes, "consider the source," and leaves it at that. I turn around and watch the both of them.
K's brother goes, well, x made it sound real convincing. And I looked at him then looked at K. I gave a quick rundown of finding myself running out of toilet paper AGAIN while on the toilet seat and had to make a decision. Where I bring my dog is my business and x was just in one of their moods to incite over nothing. K's brother goes, there was some yelling. K goes, "where was the yelling?" K's brother goes "I don't know". I am shaking my head because this fool is running in and that's how people get hurt, because he's coming into something mid-way and knew nothing and was only going to make the situation start up and go someplace worse.
What I was hearing was someone coming into my room and threatening me with some kind of insinuation of violence. K goes, "When you came to the door, did you hear yelling?" "No." Then who told you this?" K asked. I wondered briefly if the fiancee opened her mouth, seeing that she was in the house too. K's brother made a mention of someone's feelings being hurt. I'm thinking, "No one gives a shit about my feelings, so whose feelings are YOU concerned over?" K's brother was shady with his response to K, I guess that's why I got that knee jerk thought about the fiancee. But I said nothing about it. All I said was, x is having one of their moods, and I'm tired of having to be sitting up in here, hesitating to go to the bathroom, because I don't know what mood I'm going to be greeted with when I open the door. So I'm tired, OK?" K's brother says he didn't know the whole story, he backed down, and he goes something about that's why he's moving out, although he's been saying that for two years now, we're still here.
Whatever. He knows x is crazy moody so why'd he have to front? That's why I wondered, was it for x or for his fiancee? Either way, he's marrying his mother so that's on him. If he's willing to go to jail for either one of them, that's on him too. Let it be known that no one comes into my room and makes any kind of threat, implied or otherwise. Family yelling at family, that's just domestic shit but the minute K's brother would even consider putting one finger on me, someone's going to die and someone's going to jail badly wounded and scarred for life.
I didn't smoke but if I could, I would've loved a cigarette then. I needed some kind of release.
Later on, K quietly asked, "You're moving to DC, aren't you?" clear as a bell. I knew that my staying on was helping K get their life together, going to school, finding a place and all. I didn't want K to fall back into bad habits. I wanted K to build a healthy life on their own and they were taking positive steps. And K was also spurred on because x had screwed K out of some spoken promise deal made, that turned out to be untrue. K was angry to be lied to, so K took steps to get more independent as well.
K didn't want it on their head that because of me being there helping with financial support, K was able to live the life K was living now. K didn't want that kind of thing 'on their head'. I stated, "This is not about you supporting me. This is about the talks we had, and how this was one of those things you never got to finish. You agonized about not finishing school, and I told you I would back you and I did." "Well, that's fine, but what about your life?" "When you graduate, then I can think about it then, one day at a time, one thing at a time," I answered. Plus I was doing what I wanted to do, I just was looking to get a more regular gig out of it -- acting. Maybe also working with animals. Checking out help wanted ads. Trying to avoid office work but it's hard. Thinking regular paycheck and health benefits. Can be a bit tempting for someone who is always penny pinching by staying home and cooking at home.
I'm trying to do things differently this time. I've done it the same way a bunch of times before. Start with nothing, find a job, save money, get a place, and...keep working and paying rent worrying over it every month while dealing or not dealing with office politics ... for the rest of my life. Boring. This time I wanted to do something new, something different. I just didn't know the steps, but I would figure it out. Something new took time to get together. I wanted to work as an actor, a good one and a working one. I didn't want to work in a fucking office anymore dealing with unhappy pricks who didn't want to be there and do their jobs right the first time and who were looking to pass the buck and begrudge anyone who stopped the buck and did the job.
I'm tired of the unfairness, the laziness, the nitpicking b.s., I said, as I looked out the cab window watching traffic whiz by me. We were going back to K's place. K's b-day is tomorrow. I waited until midnight and gave K a book gift. K liked it. I was planning to cook dinner for K but instead we will just make a treat of it and go out for dinner after K comes back from school.
In a quiet moment, K goes "You know I love you, right? I love you." And I try to believe it, and I tell K what I think when K says that now. "I think you love me, but the way you love a dog. With fondness, with love, but a different kind of love. Like a there, there, pat on the head kind of thing." K just chuckled a bit and squeezed my hand. I don't know what love K has for me. Is it mixed with obligation and guilt? I don't know. Probably. K doesn't know what to do for me. I say it's not about you fixing me. It's about your action and your train of thought and thinking where you get your information or inspiration from before addressing me with something.
I could go on and on. But I'm done. Tired. It's after 4 am and I'm still here typing away. I could've sworn I read a mini-window about how a phone needed to be attached to my Blogger account or it "could disappear". Seriously? Blogger is free. Since when do I need to tie it to anything? This identifying bullshit has got to end.
What's the point of writing what's on your mind and blogging it if it's going to be held hostage somehow? give me the choice to move my shit to another site. I didn't ask to join blogger, AOL journal had closed their site and offered your site as the alternative to download and keep my stuff in a virtual storage here. Some choice.
Today I found myself squirming, waiting for K to come home. I felt a change in the air, a charge of sorts, and just knew that people were not having a good day. K had let out a string of obscenities earlier, saying K's brother and his fiancee were again staying over and had not left. It didn't occur to me to say anything, I merely listened and went about my business. K went off to attend class, and I stayed behind with my dog, who was only more than content to stay with me watching t.v. in our room and just hang out there.
As time progressed, I felt the need for a bowel movement but I didn't want to go to the bathroom. I just kept checking the clock, waiting in hopes for K to come home. I figured I could wait a couple of hours, distract myself, because K had a short school day and would be coming home, as K had said.
My body said it couldn't wait, though I tried and managed for an hour to hold off. I just wanted to avoid having any interaction with anyone, it was a full house and I just did not want to inadvertently bump into anybody or give anyone an excuse as to why I was breathing wrong or why my eyes were this way or why I was not fast enough with a hello.
I just simply wanted to come and go without incident. I prayed I would be in the bathroom quick and go back into the room. The dog was not having being by itself, which meant I would have to take him with me. I opened my bedroom door and found the other two bedroom doors open, one that was to x's bedroom and the other to K's brother's room.
I quickly went to the bathroom, not peeking into anyone's room and just walking a straight line to the bathroom as I couldn't wait anymore. The dog was with me, licking my face. I placed him on the bathmat after closing the bathroom door after me and he patiently sat as I went about my business.
It was time to wipe, so I turned to the toilet paper holder, and that's when I saw that the toilet paper was running low, and probably would not be enough to wipe with, that's how low it was. I looked up into the cabinet above my head and it was...empty. Again. Just the day before there was two rolls of unopened toilet paper plus what was in the holder. WTF?! It seems that every time the brother and his fiancee was in the house, the toilet paper tended to disappear like water down a drain.
I would always try to keep an extra toilet paper roll in my room because of this issue, because then it was a battle between x and the brother about how many squares one could leave on the roll in order to avoid going out and just buying the damned TP. So for a long while I was buying the TP in the house and there was no further b.s. Of course, when it comes out of someone else's pocket, it eliminates the drama from the other idiots but it's coming out of my pocket.
I realize I can't just jump in the shower. I don't keep my soap and towel in the bathroom as they tend to be used up or disappear altogether. No respect for one's property in this house taught me long ago to keep anything I value in my room under lock and key. I realize I would have to leave the bathroom not fully clean, at least temporarily. I hear laughter coming from the brother's area. What timing. If I was paranoid, I would think they were laughing at me, I thought. They probably had no idea yet again that they ate up the TP. Still, I was not happy, and threw the empty paper holder at the wall.
So a decision had to be made. Whether I liked it or not, I had to replenish the TP as I was not sure if anyone else had TP stashed in their rooms. I flushed the toilet, cleaned up as much as I could, and picked up the dog who was jumping to get into my arms.
As I exited, I found x standing outside the door, as if they were watching a picture show on the bathroom door. "We are out of toilet paper," I announced, "wait, I'm going to see if I have an extra in my room." I go and immediately get the roll, and as I turn to bring the roll, I find x standing there holding a roll, as if they had been there the whole time waiting to put in a roll. X shows the roll, I say, "Here, put this in the bathroom too, because we tend to go through a lot of toilet paper here anyway, we just had two in there the day before." And x nods and takes it and I head back to my room.
I turn back to my room and I notice the brother and his new roomie saying nothing, motionless, as I pass by. I state, "At least we have toilet paper now," and I went and closed my door behind me. I sighed and looked at my dog. At least we have each other, I thought, then the second thought, once K got home, I could take a shower as K entertained the dog. I just did not trust anyone else with the dog and prior experience backed that up. I'll get to that in a later post.
K texted "on my way". I wrote back yay, and left it at that. I thought about texting to pick up TP but decided to leave it alone. I made a mental note to pick up more later that day as my stash was now depleted. K came home and rang the bell as the bottom lock was somehow on. I went to answer the door, because apparently the brother wasn't expecting a meal delivery, otherwise he would have jumped up like his hair was on fire to get the door. I peeked through the peephole; it was K. I opened the door, found the bottom lock on, and apologized, stating I didn't lock that, and K. was like "I knew it wasn't you, why are you apologizing?"
So I went back to my room, and not before x was standing there, watching. I walked by and K asked x if they locked it, and x confirmed they had. They didn't state why and I didn't stick around to hear the story, and kept it moving.
When K came into the room, I gave a short version of what had happened with the TP and was hoping to take a shower if K could watch the dog. After I got out of the shower, refreshed and relieved, K had a question waiting for me. K asked if I had taken my dog into the bathroom with me. I confirmed I had. I then asked, "why is that important?" And K goes "that's weird", and I go, well, you weren't here, so how would you know I took my dog to the bathroom with me? I've done it before when you were here, K. K acts like this is the first time. I reminded K it wasn't, and I was curious to know why this was so important to ask about. Was I putting the dog in some kind of danger? I asked. No. Just weird. Weird, I countered, coming from who? Who put the idea in your mind to inspire you to come ask me about it and why is it so important to know?
Why? Because x deemed it so. And so it began. I was pissed. It wasn't enough that I had to walk around with my clean interrupted because the TP was out again when a bunch of people are chatting and laughing in the house, any one of them could've gone to the store but they were playing the five squares of TP left game. I was beyond tired of this b.s. and wished they would all stop the nonsense. But that wasn't crazy. It wasn't weird if K's family played stupid games, and were lazy f-ks, they were K's family.
I am so tired of giving 'blood' a free pass on stupidity, pissiness and just plain cruelty.
Turns out that the laughter I heard was about me. Turns out they all found it funny I took my dog into the bathroom and had a hearty backslap over it. So at least it wasn't over the fact of the TP war. No, they found something much more important to bond over because they all lead such busy and important lives.
What got me was how K felt they had to be a messenger to relay a bunch of silly people's silly message. I wanted to know who the f-k cares what they thought? Obviously K thought it was of some importance to relay to me. It wasn't. It was inane and stupid and there are times I swear that K has no filter. Not when it comes to K's family. They can do no wrong and K seems to take pride on how low and idiotic they can get with each other and with whoever they declare is non-blood. Yet non-blood helps pay their rent and keep a roof over their heads and gives them toilet paper to wipe their sorry asses. That does not give them free license to act the fool with me.
Yet lots of times I was warned by K to not say anything, don't react, don't get involved. Just sit and go about my life, and pay my portion of the rent in the process. "As long as I live and breathe, you will always have a home," was K's declaration and oath to me. It's been hard as I've always been on my own, and being alone I had to just rely on myself. K advised that "those days are over" and that I needed to trust. Yep. Ok.
But that trust comes with a price. A psychological one. I found myself trying to hold in my bowel movement in order to avoid any contact with x and K's brother and fiancee. That says a LOT. I am holding myself, like a scared child, like a dog, waiting for its owner to come home, waiting to get their leash to be taken outside to do their business. And I wept from shame and realization of this.
K quietly says I shouldn't have to hold my bowels, and I just shook my head and said that K simply didn't see and was just in the middle of this stupid inane drama. "What's the big deal about the question?" K asked. "The big deal is, the question didn't come from you." I explained. "Yes it did," K said, not understanding. I tried again, "You weren't here in this house when this happened with the toilet paper. Who put the idea in your mind, who INSPIRED you, to create this question in you to ask me?" Then K got it.
"This inspiration comes from x, the person who is having yet another TP war with your brother," I went further, "This inspiration comes from someone who is upset that I don't let the dog loose to go play with them, because they have a habit of trying to trap the dog in their room when I HAVE let the dog loose. Our first dog is obese, cries out in leg pain, and has to be carried and placed on beds or floors and is diabetic. Not due to you or me but to x, stuffing the dog with treats that we kept telling x not to buy or give to the dog but did x listen? No. Our first dog sleeps or stays with x every fucking day, do you hear me complain? Do you see me banging the door down to x's room snatching that dog away and insisting that dog stay with me? No. I had to make peace and stick my tongue up my ass to accept that the dog had to stay with x because it kept x happy and busy. Now this second dog, x wants a piece of that one too? I told you no way, I was going to fight for this one not to become the wreck the first one did. I have never lied to you or misled you about the dogs. X has." K goes, "I get it now, I get it now." "Do you really? You come here to say something's weird, because x the weird one states it so and you come here to play middle man to x's bullshit? Who made you the police man? Who made you the messenger? Why do you continue to enable x's bullshit, seriously? You've known me for over ten years, I've been in the trenches with you, you know me, at least I thought you did, and yet you seem eager to question me like you are the f-king gestapo. You tell me you question me because you want to confirm what x says as you say x is losing their mind. Well, you know this. Yet you ask me, so I'm supposed to buy your bull that you are not asking me because you simply want to catch me in a lie?" K goes, "No, not true, I just want to know if what x is saying is true." "How about realizing that x is not gonna get any better and start dealing with that? How about remembering that no matter what, x is about drama and stirring shit up that don't need to be started? Why do you play into x's hands every time?" K just sits there.
"It's not easy to be here, and I know, I put myself here. I have no one to blame, I let myself go and put myself into this situation," I went on. "But after all this time, it seems you don't trust me, you don't believe me, like I'm the bad guy, like I'm the one that has to prove I'm not the crazy one every time or every other time. I'm tired. I just f-kin' realized that I have allowed myself to be degraded to being like a fu-kin' dog waiting for its owner to come home and take it out for a walk. I was HOLDING MY BOWEL MOVEMENT, K, to avoid this bullshit and yet the drama still came to me. What does that tell you?"
"I am a grown woman, and yet I'm finding myself hesitating to go and use the toilet because I don't know what mood I'm gonna find x when I open my door? You find that odd? You find that normal?" I ask, "I help pay the rent here. Yet you tell me I'm the weird one? Really? If I don't say hello quick enough, x comes to you about it, if I don't take one dog down for a walk, there's static, if I take the dog, there's static, if x feeds the dog the wrong foods, I still end up paying for it somehow. Is x ever gonna pay the fucking vet bill? We have avoided taking the first dog to the vet for over two years now because the dog is OBESE and I already got yelled at by the vet because of it. Why should I be yelled at by the vet when x is doing this deliberate shit? X hears the word no and just spirals out of control like some hateful five year old. It's not x's life they're playing with now, it's an innocent dog, okay? Every time that dog yelps or cries in pain, it's because of x, and you have no one to blame but x. Yet the abuse continues. And you want me to not say anything about it not create waves, like that's the least of your problems, K. I have told you, time and again, that when it comes to kids and animals, I will speak up. Yet you just want everyone to shut up and let x spin the drama and we're all puppets. You reward x for bad behavior, there's no consequence. We have an overgrown child in the house and it's not cute."
I was pissed. Then K was about, live your life. Live my life? How? I try to go about my business and stay out of the way of stupid people, even if I have to live with them, I don't have to interact with them as long as I'm paying my portion of the rent. I go to my room, I buy and eat my own food and drink, and do chores in the house like taking out the kitchen trash and cleaning the bathroom, things that people in the house think magically happen on their own. I scrub the toilet and sink, clean up the loose hairs and toothpaste gobs left behind by everyone else, do this at least twice a week with all the traffic we have in the house. Any laundry I buy my own detergent and wash my clothes at the laundromat. If I use anything, I ask permission first. Because I was taught that what is not yours, you ask to use, it's just common civility and manners.
The refrigerator I helped pitch in to buy a new one as the old one conked down and in my action to go to Sears and plunk down my credit card, 'shamed' x and certain family members to put down some money to help pitch in for it. The stove has yet to be replaced, and I was told by x's relative it was because I was living there, I should buy it. Mind you, I didn't do the bulk of the cooking, and the relative in question enjoyed getting freshly cooked hams done that x specialized in making for holidays and parties. These hams were done in oven part that now no longer works. It's been at least two years later and the stove part works but the oven does not. I have offered to buy a new stove but K said no, to let others in the family step up.
It's yet another version of the TP war -- everyone will just stand around and wait for someone to give in and replenish the stash. Bunch of lazy cruel a-holes. Get a life already! The irony of telling me to get one when apparently the highlight of your life is watching what I do? Seriously?
Get a life, pissants.
Later, when we are calm, K's brother comes into the room, after knocking first, and proceeds to ask what is going on, what happened, and states that if anything happened....dot dot dot. And he squares his shoulders to further make his point. And K looks at him and says what do you mean by that? And K's brother at first sticks to his point then blinks and backs down, saying he thought he heard yelling and something about me and the dog. K, after having our conversation, asks him the same thing, "where did you hear that?" Eventually K's brother admits it was x. K goes, "consider the source," and leaves it at that. I turn around and watch the both of them.
K's brother goes, well, x made it sound real convincing. And I looked at him then looked at K. I gave a quick rundown of finding myself running out of toilet paper AGAIN while on the toilet seat and had to make a decision. Where I bring my dog is my business and x was just in one of their moods to incite over nothing. K's brother goes, there was some yelling. K goes, "where was the yelling?" K's brother goes "I don't know". I am shaking my head because this fool is running in and that's how people get hurt, because he's coming into something mid-way and knew nothing and was only going to make the situation start up and go someplace worse.
What I was hearing was someone coming into my room and threatening me with some kind of insinuation of violence. K goes, "When you came to the door, did you hear yelling?" "No." Then who told you this?" K asked. I wondered briefly if the fiancee opened her mouth, seeing that she was in the house too. K's brother made a mention of someone's feelings being hurt. I'm thinking, "No one gives a shit about my feelings, so whose feelings are YOU concerned over?" K's brother was shady with his response to K, I guess that's why I got that knee jerk thought about the fiancee. But I said nothing about it. All I said was, x is having one of their moods, and I'm tired of having to be sitting up in here, hesitating to go to the bathroom, because I don't know what mood I'm going to be greeted with when I open the door. So I'm tired, OK?" K's brother says he didn't know the whole story, he backed down, and he goes something about that's why he's moving out, although he's been saying that for two years now, we're still here.
Whatever. He knows x is crazy moody so why'd he have to front? That's why I wondered, was it for x or for his fiancee? Either way, he's marrying his mother so that's on him. If he's willing to go to jail for either one of them, that's on him too. Let it be known that no one comes into my room and makes any kind of threat, implied or otherwise. Family yelling at family, that's just domestic shit but the minute K's brother would even consider putting one finger on me, someone's going to die and someone's going to jail badly wounded and scarred for life.
I didn't smoke but if I could, I would've loved a cigarette then. I needed some kind of release.
Later on, K quietly asked, "You're moving to DC, aren't you?" clear as a bell. I knew that my staying on was helping K get their life together, going to school, finding a place and all. I didn't want K to fall back into bad habits. I wanted K to build a healthy life on their own and they were taking positive steps. And K was also spurred on because x had screwed K out of some spoken promise deal made, that turned out to be untrue. K was angry to be lied to, so K took steps to get more independent as well.
K didn't want it on their head that because of me being there helping with financial support, K was able to live the life K was living now. K didn't want that kind of thing 'on their head'. I stated, "This is not about you supporting me. This is about the talks we had, and how this was one of those things you never got to finish. You agonized about not finishing school, and I told you I would back you and I did." "Well, that's fine, but what about your life?" "When you graduate, then I can think about it then, one day at a time, one thing at a time," I answered. Plus I was doing what I wanted to do, I just was looking to get a more regular gig out of it -- acting. Maybe also working with animals. Checking out help wanted ads. Trying to avoid office work but it's hard. Thinking regular paycheck and health benefits. Can be a bit tempting for someone who is always penny pinching by staying home and cooking at home.
I'm trying to do things differently this time. I've done it the same way a bunch of times before. Start with nothing, find a job, save money, get a place, and...keep working and paying rent worrying over it every month while dealing or not dealing with office politics ... for the rest of my life. Boring. This time I wanted to do something new, something different. I just didn't know the steps, but I would figure it out. Something new took time to get together. I wanted to work as an actor, a good one and a working one. I didn't want to work in a fucking office anymore dealing with unhappy pricks who didn't want to be there and do their jobs right the first time and who were looking to pass the buck and begrudge anyone who stopped the buck and did the job.
I'm tired of the unfairness, the laziness, the nitpicking b.s., I said, as I looked out the cab window watching traffic whiz by me. We were going back to K's place. K's b-day is tomorrow. I waited until midnight and gave K a book gift. K liked it. I was planning to cook dinner for K but instead we will just make a treat of it and go out for dinner after K comes back from school.
In a quiet moment, K goes "You know I love you, right? I love you." And I try to believe it, and I tell K what I think when K says that now. "I think you love me, but the way you love a dog. With fondness, with love, but a different kind of love. Like a there, there, pat on the head kind of thing." K just chuckled a bit and squeezed my hand. I don't know what love K has for me. Is it mixed with obligation and guilt? I don't know. Probably. K doesn't know what to do for me. I say it's not about you fixing me. It's about your action and your train of thought and thinking where you get your information or inspiration from before addressing me with something.
I could go on and on. But I'm done. Tired. It's after 4 am and I'm still here typing away. I could've sworn I read a mini-window about how a phone needed to be attached to my Blogger account or it "could disappear". Seriously? Blogger is free. Since when do I need to tie it to anything? This identifying bullshit has got to end.
What's the point of writing what's on your mind and blogging it if it's going to be held hostage somehow? give me the choice to move my shit to another site. I didn't ask to join blogger, AOL journal had closed their site and offered your site as the alternative to download and keep my stuff in a virtual storage here. Some choice.
friendships and lines crossed
Could the lack of friends make one paranoid and suspicious of others relationships?
I have always been pretty self-contained. While I appreciate friendships, not too many people have appreciated me and have taken advantage of my dependability and availability. Because of this, I have found myself hurt and disappointed and trying to maintain a connection longer more than I would have liked.
Is a friendship something to be cultivated and maintained? Yes. I have had friendships where I didn't speak to someone for six months or a year and then we meet up and pick up where we left off. But during that time that there was no connection, there were things going on, I had stresses in my life, they had in theirs, transitions and moves were going on, or there was a sense that talking wouldn't have done anything to alleviate anything so nothing was said, that kind of thing.
Right now, I have someone in my life that feels sorry for me, simply because I don't make friends as easily as they do, and the friends I did have, have moved on, either literally or figuratively. It's a crossroads at this point. I am not worried, because I have always found myself alone in the end. It's nothing new. I don't hate myself or dislike myself so it's not a big tragedy. It makes me lonely, sometimes sad, but that's the way my life has always been. You can't hold on to people who don't want to be there. It's not fair and it's not right to either party.
For this other person, they feel guilt, a sense of obligation, and yet they can't help being liked. They are very sociable, very outgoing, and can get along with just about anybody. People gravitate to this person. Yet a lot of these people are simply not those they depend on, they are simply people who populate a life.
There are some relationships where it's clear they are closer than other relationships. It sets off a signal in me, like, a headsup. I wonder what kind of relationship this will be, will it get more intimate, for example? But this other person just waves it off, says it's not like that, and yet every time I turn around, they're yapping on Facebook, or there is some kind of contact, by phone, text, whatever.
So I wonder -- now that this person's birthday is coming up, what is being planned. I no longer have the keys to this person's home, so I can't make a surprise dinner and cook their favorites. They have not offered to make me a set, and I have not brought it up. It's not my place so I have no say.
On their Facebook page, this one particular person is everywhere and seems to be positioned next to them. Either they are touching arms, or one is putting one's head on one's shoulder or peering over one's shoulder. I remarked about this because I am reading books on body language. I've asked several different times what significance does this person have to them, and only told they are friends nothing more. My instinct (?) tells me there's more to this. But I have no real proof.
I have always prided myself on not being like those people who do recons, who trail the person they claim to love and trust, and track them to see where they go, and see if they are meeting someone else or being some place else in order to "catch them in the act". I have had conversations with friends who were convinced something was "up", and that they just "had to know". I would counter with what would they do if they found out this person was up to something? What good would that do? I recall telling an old friend who was suspicious of her husband after having three kids with him, once she got this information, what would it change? Would she leave him? Divorce? Sometimes, the information we want to know, we really don't. Because it would inconvenience us.
So...back to my point. Should I leave well enough alone? Simply because I have a lack of friends and have not had the relishing task to replenish, would that be reason enough to wonder about the dynamics or mechanics of this other person's relationships? Maybe what colors this is the fact we were once involved.
I had told myself to prepare for the day when this happened. When a former lover comes to introduce their new love. A part of me does want them to be happy. Another part of me wishes I was far far away so they could live their life without me knowing about it. So they don't have to feel that guilt or worry to always do things right for my sake. I always disliked outward shows of martyrdom and this person lives on playing the goody-goody.
Until this feeling pipes down or is neutralized by undeniable proof either way, there's nothing further to be said. I will continue to observe and go about my life.
One day I will find myself a place and be alone on my own again and make my own way as I've done countless times before. Until then, got to find paying work and perhaps a job. Eventually, everyone comes out with the truth. The truth can only be hidden for so long.
I have always been pretty self-contained. While I appreciate friendships, not too many people have appreciated me and have taken advantage of my dependability and availability. Because of this, I have found myself hurt and disappointed and trying to maintain a connection longer more than I would have liked.
Is a friendship something to be cultivated and maintained? Yes. I have had friendships where I didn't speak to someone for six months or a year and then we meet up and pick up where we left off. But during that time that there was no connection, there were things going on, I had stresses in my life, they had in theirs, transitions and moves were going on, or there was a sense that talking wouldn't have done anything to alleviate anything so nothing was said, that kind of thing.
Right now, I have someone in my life that feels sorry for me, simply because I don't make friends as easily as they do, and the friends I did have, have moved on, either literally or figuratively. It's a crossroads at this point. I am not worried, because I have always found myself alone in the end. It's nothing new. I don't hate myself or dislike myself so it's not a big tragedy. It makes me lonely, sometimes sad, but that's the way my life has always been. You can't hold on to people who don't want to be there. It's not fair and it's not right to either party.
For this other person, they feel guilt, a sense of obligation, and yet they can't help being liked. They are very sociable, very outgoing, and can get along with just about anybody. People gravitate to this person. Yet a lot of these people are simply not those they depend on, they are simply people who populate a life.
There are some relationships where it's clear they are closer than other relationships. It sets off a signal in me, like, a headsup. I wonder what kind of relationship this will be, will it get more intimate, for example? But this other person just waves it off, says it's not like that, and yet every time I turn around, they're yapping on Facebook, or there is some kind of contact, by phone, text, whatever.
So I wonder -- now that this person's birthday is coming up, what is being planned. I no longer have the keys to this person's home, so I can't make a surprise dinner and cook their favorites. They have not offered to make me a set, and I have not brought it up. It's not my place so I have no say.
On their Facebook page, this one particular person is everywhere and seems to be positioned next to them. Either they are touching arms, or one is putting one's head on one's shoulder or peering over one's shoulder. I remarked about this because I am reading books on body language. I've asked several different times what significance does this person have to them, and only told they are friends nothing more. My instinct (?) tells me there's more to this. But I have no real proof.
I have always prided myself on not being like those people who do recons, who trail the person they claim to love and trust, and track them to see where they go, and see if they are meeting someone else or being some place else in order to "catch them in the act". I have had conversations with friends who were convinced something was "up", and that they just "had to know". I would counter with what would they do if they found out this person was up to something? What good would that do? I recall telling an old friend who was suspicious of her husband after having three kids with him, once she got this information, what would it change? Would she leave him? Divorce? Sometimes, the information we want to know, we really don't. Because it would inconvenience us.
So...back to my point. Should I leave well enough alone? Simply because I have a lack of friends and have not had the relishing task to replenish, would that be reason enough to wonder about the dynamics or mechanics of this other person's relationships? Maybe what colors this is the fact we were once involved.
I had told myself to prepare for the day when this happened. When a former lover comes to introduce their new love. A part of me does want them to be happy. Another part of me wishes I was far far away so they could live their life without me knowing about it. So they don't have to feel that guilt or worry to always do things right for my sake. I always disliked outward shows of martyrdom and this person lives on playing the goody-goody.
Until this feeling pipes down or is neutralized by undeniable proof either way, there's nothing further to be said. I will continue to observe and go about my life.
One day I will find myself a place and be alone on my own again and make my own way as I've done countless times before. Until then, got to find paying work and perhaps a job. Eventually, everyone comes out with the truth. The truth can only be hidden for so long.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
time to start writing and moving on
Things are not getting better where I am. A part of me is just floating. Another part of me is waiting for another's life to begin. They say the first step that things are going downhill is when the emotional abuse begins. Unfortunately, once I am gone, I am gone, and I think that is something that no one seems to fully comprehend about me. When I am at the "had enough of it" stage, there is no contacting, no rehashing, no going over what went wrong or what could be done to improve things. I simply just cut ties and fade away, and just do not have any interest in further interacting or starting things up again.
And I find it happens when I start to relax, when I am finally allowing myself to just 'be' and not worry. And that is when things go weird, that is when people have reached their "don't care anymore" and are bored and want something new and shiny to play with. I believe, sincerely, that people simply just prefer drama, the walking on tightrope, no matter how much they complain, they enjoy it. Because having sameness, calmness, civility, knowing and having that confidence in knowing that it ain't gonna be anything but this, sends seemingly normal people over the edge of "don't care" and into another person's arms/drama.
I also found it slightly disturbing that the child of Cobain and Courtney at 18 years of age has a tattoo of lyrics from a Jeff Buckley song running down her suddenly rail thin arms. It's just too...trying too hard. Maybe she was really influenced over that female bass player that played in Hole that dated Jeff.
And I realized Jeff''s been dead over ten years as her dad. And interestingly, she doesn't have any of her father's lyrics.
Started writing an outline for a screenplay for a potential series. Maybe a 15 minute serial for the web -- why not, everything's going virtual now anyways and the production's cheaper with a faster turnaround. At least writers can still get work there.
It's 3 in the morning. This and trying to focus on getting my life in order are usually what floats in my mind about now. Well, that and dead people, and situations that have passed that can no longer be fixed or changed. Somehow my mind likes to replay things, humiliating, sad, angry, happy scenes. Then plays what if scenarios with it. Am I bored?
Time goes by so slowly. Sure Madonna.
And I find it happens when I start to relax, when I am finally allowing myself to just 'be' and not worry. And that is when things go weird, that is when people have reached their "don't care anymore" and are bored and want something new and shiny to play with. I believe, sincerely, that people simply just prefer drama, the walking on tightrope, no matter how much they complain, they enjoy it. Because having sameness, calmness, civility, knowing and having that confidence in knowing that it ain't gonna be anything but this, sends seemingly normal people over the edge of "don't care" and into another person's arms/drama.
I also found it slightly disturbing that the child of Cobain and Courtney at 18 years of age has a tattoo of lyrics from a Jeff Buckley song running down her suddenly rail thin arms. It's just too...trying too hard. Maybe she was really influenced over that female bass player that played in Hole that dated Jeff.
And I realized Jeff''s been dead over ten years as her dad. And interestingly, she doesn't have any of her father's lyrics.
Started writing an outline for a screenplay for a potential series. Maybe a 15 minute serial for the web -- why not, everything's going virtual now anyways and the production's cheaper with a faster turnaround. At least writers can still get work there.
It's 3 in the morning. This and trying to focus on getting my life in order are usually what floats in my mind about now. Well, that and dead people, and situations that have passed that can no longer be fixed or changed. Somehow my mind likes to replay things, humiliating, sad, angry, happy scenes. Then plays what if scenarios with it. Am I bored?
Time goes by so slowly. Sure Madonna.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Excuses to get out of boredom
Sitting at home, there's no money. Can't find work, sporadic at best with freelancing. Part-time work or temp work simply does not provide a sustainable living wage to make an investment of one's time and energy in. I do the best I can and keep looking, staying as positive and upbeat as possible. Meanwhile, there's no going out, no hanging out. So K is bored. Has been in pain the past several weeks, back pain and the like, and yet is bored. Despite the boredom, has attended several Broadway shows and plays.
I'm not sure what to think. A part of me has dulled the anger and another part knows that I am basically with my hands tied. I did this, I brought this on myself. I only have myself to blame. There are few options at the moment, and I tell myself that things will get better, things will change and move up. I keep hoping. And looking. And looking some more.
So the phone rings at 3:00 in the morning and K tells me it's family calling. At that time of night? Who else calls but either a hospital/jail/end of world scenario or a booty call? I don't have access to K's phone and would hate myself to snoop and check. I don't want it done to me so I don't want to do that to anyone, including K.
But as K has pointed out to me, sometimes in spite and sometimes just being matter of fact, my circle of friends has gotten thin to the point of non-existent. So the opportunity to meet up or cheat is minimal at best. There's nothing for K to worry about. Although K says that it would be a relief for me to get out and mingle, because I "have a chance" to find somebody unlike K who is very social and tends to make friends easily.
K kept asking about a friend of mine who had come to town, who met up with K at a show that K had access to discount tickets to so I asked K to accommodate. After the show, K kept dropping about how my friend had asked K to join her on Facebook. I just smiled and didn't respond, just said "mmm" that's about it. K said, well, I know how you feel about people bogarting your friends, because your other friend used to do that to you, so I won't friend her". So big of K. I still said nothing.
After the fourth time of K bringing up the Facebook thing, I finally opened my mouth. "This Facebook thing with my friend, why do you keep bringing it up?" I asked calmly. "What? I haven't brought it up, just this time." K answered. "Nope. This is actually the fourth time you've brought it up in the past two weeks since she left town. What are you hoping I'll say?"
"Well, I'm not going to be friends with them, because I know how you didn't like it when your other friend used to bogart your friends." "Am I supposed to say thank you or please or something? I don't understand why you bring this up four times if you 'already know' about the situation." I explained, "So, tell me, what was this really about?"
"Nothing - God!" was the exasperated reply. Really? Four times in two weeks? If you know the answer, I thought, then why even broach the topic, let alone more than once?
Because the bottom line is, K wanted an answer. K wanted a pat on the back, a kudos for 'being respectful of boundaries'. Instead, K also brought the point home my lack of social skills that K was blessed with having in abundance.
I didn't know if I should get pissed for the doubletalk or just let it go.
I'm not sure what to think. A part of me has dulled the anger and another part knows that I am basically with my hands tied. I did this, I brought this on myself. I only have myself to blame. There are few options at the moment, and I tell myself that things will get better, things will change and move up. I keep hoping. And looking. And looking some more.
So the phone rings at 3:00 in the morning and K tells me it's family calling. At that time of night? Who else calls but either a hospital/jail/end of world scenario or a booty call? I don't have access to K's phone and would hate myself to snoop and check. I don't want it done to me so I don't want to do that to anyone, including K.
But as K has pointed out to me, sometimes in spite and sometimes just being matter of fact, my circle of friends has gotten thin to the point of non-existent. So the opportunity to meet up or cheat is minimal at best. There's nothing for K to worry about. Although K says that it would be a relief for me to get out and mingle, because I "have a chance" to find somebody unlike K who is very social and tends to make friends easily.
K kept asking about a friend of mine who had come to town, who met up with K at a show that K had access to discount tickets to so I asked K to accommodate. After the show, K kept dropping about how my friend had asked K to join her on Facebook. I just smiled and didn't respond, just said "mmm" that's about it. K said, well, I know how you feel about people bogarting your friends, because your other friend used to do that to you, so I won't friend her". So big of K. I still said nothing.
After the fourth time of K bringing up the Facebook thing, I finally opened my mouth. "This Facebook thing with my friend, why do you keep bringing it up?" I asked calmly. "What? I haven't brought it up, just this time." K answered. "Nope. This is actually the fourth time you've brought it up in the past two weeks since she left town. What are you hoping I'll say?"
"Well, I'm not going to be friends with them, because I know how you didn't like it when your other friend used to bogart your friends." "Am I supposed to say thank you or please or something? I don't understand why you bring this up four times if you 'already know' about the situation." I explained, "So, tell me, what was this really about?"
"Nothing - God!" was the exasperated reply. Really? Four times in two weeks? If you know the answer, I thought, then why even broach the topic, let alone more than once?
Because the bottom line is, K wanted an answer. K wanted a pat on the back, a kudos for 'being respectful of boundaries'. Instead, K also brought the point home my lack of social skills that K was blessed with having in abundance.
I didn't know if I should get pissed for the doubletalk or just let it go.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
I take a deep breath and release
It's 3:00 in the morning. The doorbell suddenly starts ringing, one ding-dong then another. WTF? By the time I calmed the dog down and raced out the bedroom to see who it was, cousin's girlfriend strolled past me to the door and went to peer in the peephole. She asked who was it, as if she couldn't tell who it was. She then opened the door, as I got to the door and there was my cousin standing there, with an amused look on his face. I didn't think it was funny, and found it odd that this girl who doesn't live here answers a door that isn't hers to answer let alone open. I grunted, turned around and went to my room, only to find that it was curious that my other dog didn't bark or alert the media as to who was at the door. I met my other dog in the hallway and she was calm, wagging her tail at me to greet me, as if she just came in from outside herself. I wondered if my cousin had somehow taken the dog out for a walk and stayed out and the girl, to be mean or teach him a lesson, put an extra lock on that he didn't have the key for to get in. It's just not the time and place to teach him a lesson. She wants to teach him a lesson, she needs to go live in her parent's place where her bedroom's at and drag him there permanently to live under her parents' thumb. Let's see how lovey-dovey it gets then. They never stay there more than a day or two before they come running back over here, acting like they are pulling a fast one on everybody by living like gypsies out of bags and making excuses as to why they don't pay rent while they sport new video game systems and shoes. All this while in their mid-20's, certainly not children but not all that mature in the mind either. And they want to play house. In my house. Riiight.
I texted his sister who was luckily at her place, although I knew she was probably fast asleep unlike the rest of us. I had a few choice things to say but as I have a saying, only ugly things can happen at three in the morning, and to hold off and see how things look in the morning. I do wish there was a way to keep them both up since they inconvenienced me. Aunt was woken up by the ringing but she didn't come out, and I filled her in. She thought maybe cousin was coming from work. I said really? Wasn't he here at 8 pm? Why would he be back by 3 and from his job in another borough that takes over an hour to get to and back from? And if he had the dog, no way was he working.
We'll solve the mystery tomorrow. I am thinking of changing the locks, including the deadbolt and making sure the two idiots don't get a copy of any key so we don't go through the elderly teenager theatrics again.
I texted his sister who was luckily at her place, although I knew she was probably fast asleep unlike the rest of us. I had a few choice things to say but as I have a saying, only ugly things can happen at three in the morning, and to hold off and see how things look in the morning. I do wish there was a way to keep them both up since they inconvenienced me. Aunt was woken up by the ringing but she didn't come out, and I filled her in. She thought maybe cousin was coming from work. I said really? Wasn't he here at 8 pm? Why would he be back by 3 and from his job in another borough that takes over an hour to get to and back from? And if he had the dog, no way was he working.
We'll solve the mystery tomorrow. I am thinking of changing the locks, including the deadbolt and making sure the two idiots don't get a copy of any key so we don't go through the elderly teenager theatrics again.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
when no means no....it means NO
People have gotten severely allergic when told NO. As in, no, do not feed the dog beyond what it was already fed, its own meansured dogfood. There is a reason the dog eats a certain amount of a certain kind of food, and is not allowed human food. DO NOT go behind my back and feed the dog food the minute you think I won't notice or see.
I already have a dog that is going on ten years old, is obese and, I suspect, diabetic. The dog is fed human food, her own food, and snacks throughout the day. The dog goes out maybe once a day and when it feels like it, as it came trained to go indoors and has a dedicated wee wee pad spot.
Her back legs are going, and she cries in pain when she has to jump down or walk beyond a block. The vet warned me several times to put the dog on a diet and no more overfeeding. I explained I live with family and when I go to work, I can't see what's going on and have to trust that the dog is being taken care of by my family. The vet only gets frustrated and yells at me like I can control what I am not physically there to oversee.
This pisses me off. Meanwhile, family goes about their business, maybe chastened for a couple of days, then slides back inevitably because the dog is "not liking them" or is giving them "attitude" and they are trying to appease the dog. Appease? The dog is not a pitbull or some guard dog that has a job or is violent. The dog is simply a spoiled moody pouty obese mess courtesy of my aunt who thinks no one notices when she gives glazed donuts as a comfort snack to the dog when she has to go out to run errands.
Today my other dog, who is relatively newer to the home, has been carefully kept away from my aunt simply because I am afraid that my aunt will continue her love abuse with this second dog. This morning the dog woke up not feeling well, and was dry heaving. I massaged his belly and comforted him until he felt better and then took him for a walk where he seemed to relieve himself with no problem. When we got back, the dog seemed interested in going to check out what was happening in the kitchen and eventually broke out to go check things out.
When he didn't come back after a couple of minutes, I went to look for him. He came out from around the corner of my aunt's bed in her room, licking his chops. K. picked him up and I said to him, "Why are you licking your chops? Let me find out." and I went back to my room. K. came back a minute later to advise that auntie had given the dog some tuna.
Which part of don't feed the dog anything did aunt not understand?
I already have a dog that is going on ten years old, is obese and, I suspect, diabetic. The dog is fed human food, her own food, and snacks throughout the day. The dog goes out maybe once a day and when it feels like it, as it came trained to go indoors and has a dedicated wee wee pad spot.
Her back legs are going, and she cries in pain when she has to jump down or walk beyond a block. The vet warned me several times to put the dog on a diet and no more overfeeding. I explained I live with family and when I go to work, I can't see what's going on and have to trust that the dog is being taken care of by my family. The vet only gets frustrated and yells at me like I can control what I am not physically there to oversee.
This pisses me off. Meanwhile, family goes about their business, maybe chastened for a couple of days, then slides back inevitably because the dog is "not liking them" or is giving them "attitude" and they are trying to appease the dog. Appease? The dog is not a pitbull or some guard dog that has a job or is violent. The dog is simply a spoiled moody pouty obese mess courtesy of my aunt who thinks no one notices when she gives glazed donuts as a comfort snack to the dog when she has to go out to run errands.
Today my other dog, who is relatively newer to the home, has been carefully kept away from my aunt simply because I am afraid that my aunt will continue her love abuse with this second dog. This morning the dog woke up not feeling well, and was dry heaving. I massaged his belly and comforted him until he felt better and then took him for a walk where he seemed to relieve himself with no problem. When we got back, the dog seemed interested in going to check out what was happening in the kitchen and eventually broke out to go check things out.
When he didn't come back after a couple of minutes, I went to look for him. He came out from around the corner of my aunt's bed in her room, licking his chops. K. picked him up and I said to him, "Why are you licking your chops? Let me find out." and I went back to my room. K. came back a minute later to advise that auntie had given the dog some tuna.
Which part of don't feed the dog anything did aunt not understand?
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