Unbelievable bullshit

Today was another revelatory day. A day where I find myself making some shocking insights about where I have allowed myself to come down to. How low I view myself with how little I take and how I don't ask for much. Save for books and some pens and paper to draw and write with, there's not much I need besides a roof over my head and bills paid. I enjoy being an artist, although the days of starving artist are not keen on me.

Today I found myself squirming, waiting for K to come home. I felt a change in the air, a charge of sorts, and just knew that people were not having a good day. K had let out a string of obscenities earlier, saying K's brother and his fiancee were again staying over and had not left. It didn't occur to me to say anything, I merely listened and went about my business. K went off to attend class, and I stayed behind with my dog, who was only more than content to stay with me watching t.v. in our room and just hang out there.

As time progressed, I felt the need for a bowel movement but I didn't want to go to the bathroom. I just kept checking the clock, waiting in hopes for K to come home. I figured I could wait a couple of hours, distract myself, because K had a short school day and would be coming home, as K had said.

My body said it couldn't wait, though I tried and managed for an hour to hold off. I just wanted to avoid having any interaction with anyone, it was a full house and I just did not want to inadvertently bump into anybody or give anyone an excuse as to why I was breathing wrong or why my eyes were this way or why I was not fast enough with a hello.

I just simply wanted to come and go without incident. I prayed I would be in the bathroom quick and go back into the room. The dog was not having being by itself, which meant I would have to take him with me. I opened my bedroom door and found the other two bedroom doors open, one that was to x's bedroom and the other to K's brother's room.

I quickly went to the bathroom, not peeking into anyone's room and just walking a straight line to the bathroom as I couldn't wait anymore. The dog was with me, licking my face. I placed him on the bathmat after closing the bathroom door after me and he patiently sat as I went about my business.

It was time to wipe, so I turned to the toilet paper holder, and that's when I saw that the toilet paper was running low, and probably would not be enough to wipe with, that's how low it was. I looked up into the cabinet above my head and it was...empty. Again. Just the day before there was two rolls of unopened toilet paper plus what was in the holder. WTF?! It seems that every time the brother and his fiancee was in the house, the toilet paper tended to disappear like water down a drain.

I would always try to keep an extra toilet paper roll in my room because of this issue, because then it was a battle between x and the brother about how many squares one could leave on the roll in order to avoid going out and just buying the damned TP. So for a long while I was buying the TP in the house and there was no further b.s. Of course, when it comes out of someone else's pocket, it eliminates the drama from the other idiots but it's coming out of my pocket.

I realize I can't just jump in the shower. I don't keep my soap and towel in the bathroom as they tend to be used up or disappear altogether. No respect for one's property in this house taught me long ago to keep anything I value in my room under lock and key. I realize I would have to leave the bathroom not fully clean, at least temporarily. I hear laughter coming from the brother's area. What timing. If I was paranoid, I would think they were laughing at me, I thought. They probably had no idea yet again that they ate up the TP. Still, I was not happy, and threw the empty paper holder at the wall.

So a decision had to be made. Whether I liked it or not, I had to replenish the TP as I was not sure if anyone else had TP stashed in their rooms. I flushed the toilet, cleaned up as much as I could, and picked up the dog who was jumping to get into my arms.

As I exited, I found x standing outside the door, as if they were watching a picture show on the bathroom door. "We are out of toilet paper," I announced, "wait, I'm going to see if I have an extra in my room." I go and immediately get the roll, and as I turn to bring the roll, I find x standing there holding a roll, as if they had been there the whole time waiting to put in a roll. X shows the roll, I say, "Here, put this in the bathroom too, because we tend to go through a lot of toilet paper here anyway, we just had two in there the day before." And x nods and takes it and I head back to my room.

I turn back to my room and I notice the brother and his new roomie saying nothing, motionless, as I pass by. I state, "At least we have toilet paper now," and I went and closed my door behind me. I sighed and looked at my dog. At least we have each other, I thought, then the second thought, once K got home, I could take a shower as K entertained the dog. I just did not trust anyone else with the dog and prior experience backed that up. I'll get to that in a later post.

K texted "on my way". I wrote back yay, and left it at that. I thought about texting to pick up TP but decided to leave it alone. I made a mental note to pick up more later that day as my stash was now depleted. K came home and rang the bell as the bottom lock was somehow on. I went to answer the door, because apparently the brother wasn't expecting a meal delivery, otherwise he would have jumped up like his hair was on fire to get the door. I peeked through the peephole; it was K. I opened the door, found the bottom lock on, and apologized, stating I didn't lock that, and K. was like "I knew it wasn't you, why are you apologizing?"

So I went back to my room, and not before x was standing there, watching. I walked by and K asked x if they locked it, and x confirmed they had. They didn't state why and I didn't stick around to hear the story, and kept it moving.

When K came into the room, I gave a short version of what had happened with the TP and was hoping to take a shower if K could watch the dog. After I got out of the shower, refreshed and relieved, K had a question waiting for me. K asked if I had taken my dog into the bathroom with me. I confirmed I had. I then asked, "why is that important?" And K goes "that's weird", and I go, well, you weren't here, so how would you know I took my dog to the bathroom with me? I've done it before when you were here, K. K acts like this is the first time. I reminded K it wasn't, and I was curious to know why this was so important to ask about. Was I putting the dog in some kind of danger? I asked. No. Just weird. Weird, I countered, coming from who? Who put the idea in your mind to inspire you to come ask me about it and why is it so important to know?

Why? Because x deemed it so. And so it began. I was pissed. It wasn't enough that I had to walk around with my clean interrupted because the TP was out again when a bunch of people are chatting and laughing in the house, any one of them could've gone to the store but they were playing the five squares of TP left game. I was beyond tired of this b.s. and wished they would all stop the nonsense. But that wasn't crazy. It wasn't weird if K's family played stupid games, and were lazy f-ks, they were K's family.

I am so tired of giving 'blood' a free pass on stupidity, pissiness and just plain cruelty.

Turns out that the laughter I heard was about me. Turns out they all found it funny I took my dog into the bathroom and had a hearty backslap over it. So at least it wasn't over the fact of the TP war. No, they found something much more important to bond over because they all lead such busy and important lives.

What got me was how K felt they had to be a messenger to relay a bunch of silly people's silly message. I wanted to know who the f-k cares what they thought? Obviously K thought it was of some importance to relay to me. It wasn't. It was inane and stupid and there are times I swear that K has no filter. Not when it comes to K's family. They can do no wrong and K seems to take pride on how low and idiotic they can get with each other and with whoever they declare is non-blood. Yet non-blood helps pay their rent and keep a roof over their heads and gives them toilet paper to wipe their sorry asses. That does not give them free license to act the fool with me.

Yet lots of times I was warned by K to not say anything, don't react, don't get involved. Just sit and go about my life, and pay my portion of the rent in the process. "As long as I live and breathe, you will always have a home," was K's declaration and oath to me. It's been hard as I've always been on my own, and being alone I had to just rely on myself. K advised that "those days are over" and that I needed to trust. Yep. Ok.

But that trust comes with a price. A psychological one. I found myself trying to hold in my bowel movement in order to avoid any contact with x and K's brother and fiancee. That says a LOT. I am holding myself, like a scared child, like a dog, waiting for its owner to come home, waiting to get their leash to be taken outside to do their business. And I wept from shame and realization of this.

K quietly says I shouldn't have to hold my bowels, and I just shook my head and said that K simply didn't see and was just in the middle of this stupid inane drama. "What's the big deal about the question?" K asked. "The big deal is, the question didn't come from you." I explained. "Yes it did," K said, not understanding. I tried again, "You weren't here in this house when this happened with the toilet paper. Who put the idea in your mind, who INSPIRED you, to create this question in you to ask me?" Then K got it.

"This inspiration comes from x, the person who is having yet another TP war with your brother," I went further, "This inspiration comes from someone who is upset that I don't let the dog loose to go play with them, because they have a habit of trying to trap the dog in their room when I HAVE let the dog loose. Our first dog is obese, cries out in leg pain, and has to be carried and placed on beds or floors and is diabetic. Not due to you or me but to x, stuffing the dog with treats that we kept telling x not to buy or give to the dog but did x listen? No. Our first dog sleeps or stays with x every fucking day, do you hear me complain? Do you see me banging the door down to x's room snatching that dog away and insisting that dog stay with me? No. I had to make peace and stick my tongue up my ass to accept that the dog had to stay with x because it kept x happy and busy. Now this second dog, x wants a piece of that one too? I told you no way, I was going to fight for this one not to become the wreck the first one did. I have never lied to you or misled you about the dogs. X has." K goes, "I get it now, I get it now." "Do you really? You come here to say something's weird, because x the weird one states it so and you come here to play middle man to x's bullshit? Who made you the police man? Who made you the messenger? Why do you continue to enable x's bullshit, seriously? You've known me for over ten years, I've been in the trenches with you, you know me, at least I thought you did, and yet you seem eager to question me like you are the f-king gestapo. You tell me you question me because you want to confirm what x says as you say x is losing their mind. Well, you know this. Yet you ask me, so I'm supposed to buy your bull that you are not asking me because you simply want to catch me in a lie?" K goes, "No, not true, I just want to know if what x is saying is true." "How about realizing that x is not gonna get any better and start dealing with that? How about remembering that no matter what, x is about drama and stirring shit up that don't need to be started? Why do you play into x's hands every time?" K just sits there.

"It's not easy to be here, and I know, I put myself here. I have no one to blame, I let myself go and put myself into this situation," I went on. "But after all this time, it seems you don't trust me, you don't believe me, like I'm the bad guy, like I'm the one that has to prove I'm not the crazy one every time or every other time. I'm tired. I just f-kin' realized that I have allowed myself to be degraded to being like a fu-kin' dog waiting for its owner to come home and take it out for a walk. I was HOLDING MY BOWEL MOVEMENT, K, to avoid this bullshit and yet the drama still came to me. What does that tell you?"

"I am a grown woman, and yet I'm finding myself hesitating to go and use the toilet because I don't know what mood I'm gonna find x when I open my door? You find that odd? You find that normal?" I ask, "I help pay the rent here. Yet you tell me I'm the weird one? Really? If I don't say hello quick enough, x comes to you about it, if I don't take one dog down for a walk, there's static, if I take the dog, there's static, if x feeds the dog the wrong foods, I still end up paying for it somehow. Is x ever gonna pay the fucking vet bill? We have avoided taking the first dog to the vet for over two years now because the dog is OBESE and I already got yelled at by the vet because of it. Why should I be yelled at by the vet when x is doing this deliberate shit? X hears the word no and just spirals out of control like some hateful five year old. It's not x's life they're playing with now, it's an innocent dog, okay? Every time that dog yelps or cries in pain, it's because of x, and you have no one to blame but x. Yet the abuse continues. And you want me to not say anything about it not create waves, like that's the least of your problems, K. I have told you, time and again, that when it comes to kids and animals, I will speak up. Yet you just want everyone to shut up and let x spin the drama and we're all puppets. You reward x for bad behavior, there's no consequence. We have an overgrown child in the house and it's not cute."

I was pissed. Then K was about, live your life. Live my life? How? I try to go about my business and stay out of the way of stupid people, even if I have to live with them, I don't have to interact with them as long as I'm paying my portion of the rent. I go to my room, I buy and eat my own food and drink, and do chores in the house like taking out the kitchen trash and cleaning the bathroom, things that people in the house think magically happen on their own. I scrub the toilet and sink, clean up the loose hairs and toothpaste gobs left behind by everyone else, do this at least twice a week with all the traffic we have in the house. Any laundry I buy my own detergent and wash my clothes at the laundromat. If I use anything, I ask permission first. Because I was taught that what is not yours, you ask to use, it's just common civility and manners.

The refrigerator I helped pitch in to buy a new one as the old one conked down and in my action to go to Sears and plunk down my credit card, 'shamed' x and certain family members to put down some money to help pitch in for it. The stove has yet to be replaced, and I was told by x's relative it was because I was living there, I should buy it. Mind you, I didn't do the bulk of the cooking, and the relative in question enjoyed getting freshly cooked hams done that x specialized in making for holidays and parties. These hams were done in oven part that now no longer works. It's been at least two years later and the stove part works but the oven does not. I have offered to buy a new stove but K said no, to let others in the family step up.

It's yet another version of the TP war -- everyone will just stand around and wait for someone to give in and replenish the stash. Bunch of lazy cruel a-holes. Get a life already! The irony of telling me to get one when apparently the highlight of your life is watching what I do? Seriously?

Get a life, pissants.

Later, when we are calm, K's brother comes into the room, after knocking first, and proceeds to ask what is going on, what happened, and states that if anything happened....dot dot dot. And he squares his shoulders to further make his point. And K looks at him and says what do you mean by that? And K's brother at first sticks to his point then blinks and backs down, saying he thought he heard yelling and something about me and the dog. K, after having our conversation, asks him the same thing, "where did you hear that?" Eventually K's brother admits it was x. K goes, "consider the source," and leaves it at that. I turn around and watch the both of them.

K's brother goes, well, x made it sound real convincing. And I looked at him then looked at K. I gave a quick rundown of finding myself running out of toilet paper AGAIN while on the toilet seat and had to make a decision. Where I bring my dog is my business and x was just in one of their moods to incite over nothing. K's brother goes, there was some yelling. K goes, "where was the yelling?" K's brother goes "I don't know". I am shaking my head because this fool is running in and that's how people get hurt, because he's coming into something mid-way and knew nothing and was only going to make the situation start up and go someplace worse.

What I was hearing was someone coming into my room and threatening me with some kind of insinuation of violence. K goes, "When you came to the door, did you hear yelling?" "No." Then who told you this?" K asked. I wondered briefly if the fiancee opened her mouth, seeing that she was in the house too. K's brother made a mention of someone's feelings being hurt. I'm thinking, "No one gives a shit about my feelings, so whose feelings are YOU concerned over?" K's brother was shady with his response to K, I guess that's why I got that knee jerk thought about the fiancee. But I said nothing about it. All I said was, x is having one of their moods, and I'm tired of having to be sitting up in here, hesitating to go to the bathroom, because I don't know what mood I'm going to be greeted with when I open the door. So I'm tired, OK?" K's brother says he didn't know the whole story, he backed down, and he goes something about that's why he's moving out, although he's been saying that for two years now, we're still here.

Whatever. He knows x is crazy moody so why'd he have to front? That's why I wondered, was it for x or for his fiancee? Either way, he's marrying his mother so that's on him. If he's willing to go to jail for either one of them, that's on him too. Let it be known that no one comes into my room and makes any kind of threat, implied or otherwise. Family yelling at family, that's just domestic shit but the minute K's brother would even consider putting one finger on me, someone's going to die and someone's going to jail badly wounded and scarred for life.

I didn't smoke but if I could, I would've loved a cigarette then. I needed some kind of release.

Later on, K quietly asked, "You're moving to DC, aren't you?" clear as a bell. I knew that my staying on was helping K get their life together, going to school, finding a place and all. I didn't want K to fall back into bad habits. I wanted K to build a healthy life on their own and they were taking positive steps. And K was also spurred on because x had screwed K out of some spoken promise deal made, that turned out to be untrue. K was angry to be lied to, so K took steps to get more independent as well.

K didn't want it on their head that because of me being there helping with financial support, K was able to live the life K was living now. K didn't want that kind of thing 'on their head'. I stated, "This is not about you supporting me. This is about the talks we had, and how this was one of those things you never got to finish. You agonized about not finishing school, and I told you I would back you and I did." "Well, that's fine, but what about your life?" "When you graduate, then I can think about it then, one day at a time, one thing at a time," I answered. Plus I was doing what I wanted to do, I just was looking to get a more regular gig out of it -- acting. Maybe also working with animals. Checking out help wanted ads. Trying to avoid office work but it's hard. Thinking regular paycheck and health benefits. Can be a bit tempting for someone who is always penny pinching by staying home and cooking at home.

I'm trying to do things differently this time. I've done it the same way a bunch of times before. Start with nothing, find a job, save money, get a place, and...keep working and paying rent worrying over it every month while dealing or not dealing with office politics ... for the rest of my life. Boring. This time I wanted to do something new, something different. I just didn't know the steps, but I would figure it out. Something new took time to get together. I wanted to work as an actor, a good one and a working one. I didn't want to work in a fucking office anymore dealing with unhappy pricks who didn't want to be there and do their jobs right the first time and who were looking to pass the buck and begrudge anyone who stopped the buck and did the job.

I'm tired of the unfairness, the laziness, the nitpicking b.s., I said, as I looked out the cab window watching traffic whiz by me. We were going back to K's place. K's b-day is tomorrow. I waited until midnight and gave K a book gift. K liked it. I was planning to cook dinner for K but instead we will just make a treat of it and go out for dinner after K comes back from school.

In a quiet moment, K goes "You know I love you, right? I love you." And I try to believe it, and I tell K what I think when K says that now. "I think you love me, but the way you love a dog. With fondness, with love, but a different kind of love. Like a there, there, pat on the head kind of thing." K just chuckled a bit and squeezed my hand. I don't know what love K has for me. Is it mixed with obligation and guilt? I don't know. Probably. K doesn't know what to do for me. I say it's not about you fixing me. It's about your action and your train of thought and thinking where you get your information or inspiration from before addressing me with something.

I could go on and on. But I'm done. Tired. It's after 4 am and I'm still here typing away. I could've sworn I read a mini-window about how a phone needed to be attached to my Blogger account or it "could disappear". Seriously? Blogger is free. Since when do I need to tie it to anything? This identifying bullshit has got to end.

What's the point of writing what's on your mind and blogging it if it's going to be held hostage somehow? give me the choice to move my shit to another site. I didn't ask to join blogger, AOL journal had closed their site and offered your site as the alternative to download and keep my stuff in a virtual storage here. Some choice.