friendships and lines crossed

Could the lack of friends make one paranoid and suspicious of others relationships?

I have always been pretty self-contained. While I appreciate friendships, not too many people have appreciated me and have taken advantage of my dependability and availability. Because of this, I have found myself hurt and disappointed and trying to maintain a connection longer more than I would have liked.

Is a friendship something to be cultivated and maintained? Yes. I have had friendships where I didn't speak to someone for six months or a year and then we meet up and pick up where we left off. But during that time that there was no connection, there were things going on, I had stresses in my life, they had in theirs, transitions and moves were going on, or there was a sense that talking wouldn't have done anything to alleviate anything so nothing was said, that kind of thing.

Right now, I have someone in my life that feels sorry for me, simply because I don't make friends as easily as they do, and the friends I did have, have moved on, either literally or figuratively. It's a crossroads at this point. I am not worried, because I have always found myself alone in the end. It's nothing new. I don't hate myself or dislike myself so it's not a big tragedy. It makes me lonely, sometimes sad, but that's the way my life has always been. You can't hold on to people who don't want to be there. It's not fair and it's not right to either party.

For this other person, they feel guilt, a sense of obligation, and yet they can't help being liked. They are very sociable, very outgoing, and can get along with just about anybody. People gravitate to this person. Yet a lot of these people are simply not those they depend on, they are simply people who populate a life.

There are some relationships where it's clear they are closer than other relationships. It sets off a signal in me, like, a headsup. I wonder what kind of relationship this will be, will it get more intimate, for example? But this other person just waves it off, says it's not like that, and yet every time I turn around, they're yapping on Facebook, or there is some kind of contact, by phone, text, whatever.

So I wonder -- now that this person's birthday is coming up, what is being planned. I no longer have the keys to this person's home, so I can't make a surprise dinner and cook their favorites. They have not offered to make me a set, and I have not brought it up. It's not my place so I have no say.

On their Facebook page, this one particular person is everywhere and seems to be positioned next to them. Either they are touching arms, or one is putting one's head on one's shoulder or peering over one's shoulder. I remarked about this because I am reading books on body language. I've asked several different times what significance does this person have to them, and only told they are friends nothing more. My instinct (?) tells me there's more to this. But I have no real proof.

I have always prided myself on not being like those people who do recons, who trail the person they claim to love and trust, and track them to see where they go, and see if they are meeting someone else or being some place else in order to "catch them in the act". I have had conversations with friends who were convinced something was "up", and that they just "had to know". I would counter with what would they do if they found out this person was up to something? What good would that do? I recall telling an old friend who was suspicious of her husband after having three kids with him, once she got this information, what would it change? Would she leave him? Divorce? Sometimes, the information we want to know, we really don't. Because it would inconvenience us.

So...back to my point. Should I leave well enough alone? Simply because I have a lack of friends and have not had the relishing task to replenish, would that be reason enough to wonder about the dynamics or mechanics of this other person's relationships? Maybe what colors this is the fact we were once involved.

I had told myself to prepare for the day when this happened. When a former lover comes to introduce their new love. A part of me does want them to be happy. Another part of me wishes I was far far away so they could live their life without me knowing about it. So they don't have to feel that guilt or worry to always do things right for my sake. I always disliked outward shows of martyrdom and this person lives on playing the goody-goody.

Until this feeling pipes down or is neutralized by undeniable proof either way, there's nothing further to be said. I will continue to observe and go about my life.

One day I will find myself a place and be alone on my own again and make my own way as I've done countless times before. Until then, got to find paying work and perhaps a job. Eventually, everyone comes out with the truth. The truth can only be hidden for so long.