a period of rest and then...rejoice

The productivity today was great. I actually got around to the garden, where my seedlings have been struggling to make themselves known. I went and planted the first batch in a new wider container, and need to get more soil, just a little bit more. I had enough to at least plant the bulk of them. I also took the mini-mint pot and started that one. I then took the leftovers and watered them. Everything is done. I slowly have gone through whittling down the magazines and various papers to recycle.

Last night I took care of myself, and appreciated the time off I was able to take. I did not even do any extra work, and just kept it quiet and calm. My body needed to rest and heal. I needed to sleep when I wanted to and not be bound by someone else's clock. It was a nice change.

I only went out to get fresh air, stretch my legs, and do some limited shopping for needed groceries. I tried to keep my spending to a minimum and kept myself busy with looking at some projects. I tried not to think of the job, I tried not to think of anything but...was I hungry was I thirsty did I need sleep? It was nice to baby myself.

Yesterday it rained, so I kept to the house. I was thankful I didn't have to go out in the rain, I was thankful to enjoy this time off. There was a marked difference between the last day of work and the first day of my time off -- I sounded better and felt lighter and felt more rested. I was able to sleep, finally. And it felt good.

I still have a bit of a cough but at least I'm not feeling like I'm underwater and itchy. Like I'm drowning and can't see, everything blurry. I feel better.

This time off was definitely needed and well deserved. It was a positive thing to turn my mind off and just focus on me.

Tomorrow is back to the work life. I can rejoice that it will be a short week. Thankfully.

on reading writing and comprehension

Thoughts can just pop in one's head. One can wonder where they come from. I remember reading somewhere that thoughts are energy. Yeah, something esoteric like that.

Then as I awoke, with dreams of meeting people from India after watching a program of some British people going to work for a week or several in Indonesia to work on farms to find out where their prawns came from, I wondered.

x was going to attend college, and all their paperwork was finally in order, they got their financial aid and they announced how happy they were to move forward. I was happy for them.

Somehow though, I wondered. x had trouble being anywhere for more than two hours, and if the weather was bad, or about to change, the arthritis would surely do x in and wouldn't be able to attend let alone pay attention in class.

I recall having discussed that we would invest in a video cam, to attach to the computer so x could attend classes from home without having to worry about travel or their bones crunching.

x is determined to go physically to class. And mutters quickly about it. There is no mention of any other classes, because the whole point of x going back to college was to finish and get a diploma of some kind.

Have heard nothing else. And asking seems to be the last thing, from the vibe I get, that x wants me to really get into. X was the same way when they reconnected with a bunch of old schoolmates from high school -- suddenly these people were x's world, and x stood on defensive, waiting for someone, anyone, to say something simply because x filled up all their time with these people's problems and lives. It's as if x was living in a vacuum all this time and needed air and these people were x's salvation, their saving grace. It didn't help when x indeed got upset and defended these people who were unknown to them less than six months prior, and cried how they were the best friends x never had and how much they had done for x.

I virtually had no idea what they had done -- had they given x money? Had they found x a new mate to assure x how fine they were? I asked what had they done? X could not really explain fully. It was a matter of, x was waiting for someone to say something, when in fact x had completely ignored everyone around them, and didn't think anything was the matter. Phone calls and emails had to be answered immediately, and when ten people are writing you within minutes of each other, and you are carrying conversations and feel you must answer them right away, then that takes time away from everything and everyone else.

I tried to explain that I was happy for x, because socializing is a great thing, and reconnecting is something marvelous. However, when the texting and phone calls came at all hours of the day and night, then something had to give. X didn't see it that way and wanted me to mind my business even if it cost x spending any time with me.

I realized that x had a lot of resentment towards me and was basically bored with me. X wanted stimulating conversation with other adults, and these people were certainly coming with a lot of information seeing that x hadn't seen them in 20 years and thus had a lot to catch up on. Every day was texting and phone call marathon and once x hung up the phone, there were ten messages waiting for x to answer.

I would check my emails, play videogames, watch t.v., read books. This was my lifeline and my way of showing respect for x's newly found playmates were taking all x's time and focus.

So now that x is focused on going to school, the vid cam is history, and x is determined to go to class because that's where they would learn properly. I said nothing, and simply nodded. X's not looking me in the face and speaking hurriedly told me all I needed to know. Basic body language.

I told myself it was good for x to get out of the house. X was getting out of the house anyway, by running errands, hanging out with their old friends every week, and generally being left alone to their devices every day of the week. X had some freedom, and didn't answer to me. I had to leave well enough alone.

However, every aspect of my life was pretty transparent. I didn't hide anything from x. I didn't just disappear and not tell x what was going on. I pretty much didn't have the same booming social life x had. X told me they felt guilt about this and I told them that guilt was a luxury they couldn't afford -- plus it was a total waste of precious energy.

I assessed what I could do to make my life more exciting and found very little. People were a disappointment and most of them were in competition anyway. I found them very nosy about non-important things, and didn't focus on more interesting aspects like what books they read, did they travel, what did they value most about life and living?

These things I found more important about people to find out than how old they were and whether or not they were married at some time. I personally didn't care and thus didn't like it when I was asked. They were silly insignificant questions to me and I would answer as dully or as clean as I could in order to get to the more interesting stuff.

Perhaps if I was disappearing taking classes and not getting into the day to day stuff, then x wouldn't be as curious as me and just take it in stride. But it's x's m.o. to be mysterious about the seemingly ordinary shit. I try to respect x's boundaries although I'm pretty transparent about mine.

The reason x is attending school finally is because x had been talking about it for years. It was one of those unfinished things x mused about when feeling depressed about how their life had not gone according to plan. I stated that it's time to get this done, because I was tired of hearing about them not getting anything done and that they were just going to wasting away always poor not being able to ever pull themselves from their spiral.

I said, this is what you can do, and you can do it from the comfort of home via online classes. We are in the 21st century, you have no more excuses. You have the time, you can get financial aid easily, so let's go and get this done and you will have accomplished something, and I think that will do well for your ego and your mind, seriously.

So what does x do? Focus on language class. Instead of doing the fucking classes they need to take to finish and get a degree of some kind, finally. We were taking language classes prior, but had to stop as money had dried up. Now I am working, and wondering what to do because the language class is still available.

I am thinking of taking an intensive one on one class, to study with a native speaker, and get the pronunciations and tones down. For more than one language. For now, I will practice with what I originally learned, and go back to the same school I went to before.

I need to learn, and once I master that, I will go on with another language. I am furious with myself that I need anyone to hold my fucking hand. This I will do on my own, it is time I get off my ass and get busy with my own life.

time out

The last few days have me feeling run down, and the allergies are kicking in big time. I decided to take some time off, to rest and recharge. Already I am feeling the positives. I was able to sleep in today, and I woke up feeling lighter, and rested. I took a shower, and got dressed, went out to walk the dog and pick up some incidentals, groceries. Greeted some neighbors along the way and got home, and am relaxing. Turns out a relative had passed away, and I ended up having to cover two other relatives for their flower orders. These two people, one of which is y who has been scheming and skulking and being a general overall ungrateful you know what, turns out to have their butt and face saved once again by the likes of me, the one y is convincing themselves that somehow I'm the issue in why their lives suck and I need to go.

This weekend promises to be sunny and gorgeous, and I am going to transplant my little garden to a bigger pot, which means I must have enough rich soil in order to do this.

x already sees the difference in my taking this time off. Much needed.

I don't want to go to work

A package came in last week for a person who I interviewed for several months back. I called their office and got what I can only assume is their new assistant. I explained the situation, and asked for their location in order to divert the package to them, wrote it down, as I got thanked over the phone and handed it to the messenger, redirecting them. The woman mentioned that for some reason packages for this person were being rerouted and she didn't know why. I shrugged into the phone and said, "Well, good luck and have a good day," and hung up. I didn't know what else to say, I had to move on to the next problem to be solved.

Last night I checked out some ads. Nothing. Mostly b.s. ads and repeats from shady agencies I've dealt with and had had some unpleasant experiences with. I knew I had a refresher course on Excel under my belt but other than that, nothing really new to show that my time at this new company was worth anything. As usual. I may have to start looking at classes and start buckling down. My resume needs some serious updates in the skills area.

I admit it. Work is called work for a reason. It's apparently not meant to be fun or have meaning or even be interesting or contribute to a greater good. Going to work every day, spending money on clothing to look presentable at work, and dealing with the emotional minefield that's created by employers to keep employees distrustful yet competitive against each other in order to build up productivity, it's just a sad state of affairs and very draining to one's health.

It's hard to look at others at work and not wonder -- what keeps them here? Some would probably never survive anywhere else, because they don't know how to do anything else, they've been doing the same thing for twenty years. Plus no one would put up with their bullshit elsewhere, they'd be fired in a hot minute for their laziness and attitude.

I know I put myself in this willingly. I look around, and I work hard, trying to ignore the screaming apathy around me. Yesterday I could not find the energy to go, plus woke up dreaming about work about deadlines not being met. That's the first sign.

A part of me wishes to take today off too. It's a beautiful day out and the rest of the week is to be rainy and lousy. It's 8:12 in the morning and time is running out. I am out of energy and enthusiasm. I see myself going to work and dealing with someone's negativity and laziness and I may scream.

No one wants to work anymore. The few that do get laughed at or taken for a ride and get stressed out, as if they are getting punished for actually wanting to do a good job. Sheesh.

Yet I know there is no other income coming in right now. I look at aa and my doggie, and know I have people depending on me. Until I find and get another source of income that's reliable, I really have to focus and be good with this.

Although if someone gets snarky with me, it won't take much for me to pack up at my desk and go home. I am just not having it with anyone's b.s. today.

Since when is 3% considered a healthy increase?

Three percent is nothing. It is pennies, coins. It is not enough to cover anything and with the cost of everything rising, including taxes, three percent rapidly disappears into nothing.

I'm listening to the news going on in New Jersey, how the governor is complaining that despite other people not getting any increases in the past five years, that teachers have gotten a three percent increase every year for those five. And I'm like, yeah, and the classes have gotten bigger, and we just got through a three year recession, still feeling the aftereffects.

Kids still need to be taught, and classes still have to go on. Yet the elephant in the room is getting rid of those teachers who sit in limbo in those rubber rooms for years and get a check but don't get to teach. Those should simply be laid off. Of course there are union rules, but honestly, you also pay for a service and these teachers aren't being given the opportunity to provide that service, or have messed up their chances for some reason -- interesting, when the news reports on these things, they don't find out the individual reasons as to why these people are languishing in these rubber rooms.

I'm sure if they found out, they could easily flush out fifty percent of the languishers and save some major money. Otherwise, this cut in teachers the teacher union is protesting is utter bullshit. They have more than enough teachers who are qualified sitting in the rubber rooms that can then be utilized and earn their paycheck legitimately.

support and lack of

Started putting a little away, just to get the ball rolling. It's nice when you have people on your side, cheering you on, being supportive.

Then there's J. J is kind of playing it fast and loose with his most recent love interest, who is very interested in settling down and playing house. Of course, this just drives J in the other direction and has him looking specifically for studio apartments and roommate situations with anyone and everyone BUT the love interest. What could be holding J back from building a life and living with his love? And what's this latest talk that the clinging love interest is talking about wanting to see other people and experiment a bit more?

I see a desperate play here, put out by someone who wants to hang on to J and that will involve sacrificing their dignity and monogamy in order to do it. That usually signals the death knell.

The weekend ends on a quiet note. I figure that there's only a few more hours to watch television, then get things in order before going to sleep, before facing tomorrow and the new work week.

One thing that I did to help my sanity -- wrote a blow by blow on what was going on regarding an individual at work giving me a hassle and being lazy. The straw that broke the camel's back on this individual was when they had the audacity to accuse me of trying to pawn my work onto them! So that was the final straw, I wrote my piece and sent it to our supervisor.

It felt good to put everything down, and it was a long time coming. Of course, I suspect the higherups didn't read even half of it before steam came out of their ears, but at this point I don't give a fuck. I give a shit about as much as they do, obviously. A sloppy ship gets shitty returns.

I stay serious about my work and get it done.

shaking off the dank ickiness of the prior evening

The sun came out, and everything was clear and bright. I felt better after waking up.

Quickly got dressed and headed out, to run errands. It felt good to make a list and then fulfill it.

Felt a sense of accomplishment and lightness. I felt good. Went home to find y skittering and darting about feverishly, looking as if high on something.

After finishing up cooking some food, y disappeared into their room. I put the groceries away with x and x went to wash the dog from her walk. I seasoned and readied the meats for the upcoming week and put them in their appropriate containers, and into the refrigerator.

I went to rest afterward, wrapped up with the dog, who was apparently finished with taking her bath and ready to nap.

Had a hearty late breakfast and now am starting to feel hungry. Dinnertime's coming. :-)

Sanity, thy challenge

During a lovely stroll after work at the day job, I found myself listening to yet another litany of bullshit from x about y. I at first laughed, and didn't think anything beyond "look, y's just trying to get a rise out of you because no one's talking to y. it's like y's a little child, pouting and having a fit."

During the movie, I fumbled with my phone as I forgot the passcode to check my voicemail. I had thought it was for an acting gig, but it turned out to be this company I get my acting alerts from, the alerts had not been coming in the last 48 hours and I was trying to figure out why as everything worked fine before.

Some long convoluted message talking about nothing, as the person who had left the rambling message acknowledged my question but claimed to have no answer, blaming everything under the sun but the fucking company itself and their server. There was definitely a glitch as both my email accounts weren't receiving anything, they were silent. What the fuck's the point of setting the account specific for email alerts if there are no alerts coming in? No help, absolutely fucking useless. If it continues I cancel my subscription. I am not paying for half-ass service.

Things meanwhile, originally going well, or at least quiet for once, are starting to kick up shit again. Seems y is suddenly intent on blaming me for every fucking thing wrong in their life, including their stupid fucking plants. Now, I love plants in and of themselves, but y decided that I had to be doing something to them and rambled such stupidity to another who finally told them to fuck off and get over it and no one cares about y's fucking plants because y constantly kills them anyway. This of course, pissed y off, and everyone left.

I am looking forward to dinner and a movie. It's Friday, it's after 5 pm, the work whistle has blown and I am out and free, pretending to be so, for the next 48 hours. So x gets into the 'whoppers' or lies, that y likes to say in order to gain x's attention as they haven't been speaking in ages either. Mind you, we all live under the same roof, but have separate rooms, and I am quite content not seeing or dealing with y for days if not weeks or months on end. I knew the peaceful silence shit was shattered when I was waiting for the elevator, dressed to go to work in the morning last week, and y decides to declare in the hallway that I had to move out.

Mind you, in the morning, I'm not the most talkative and I am inwardly congratulating myself that I managed to get showered, dressed and out the door with my purse, keys, money and ID intact and leaving on time to boot. I'm not really looking to get into an argument with anyone, I just don't have the time and energy for that shit, not first thing in the morning.

But y was feeling bold and felt this was the perfect time to lay into me about me moving out. I was about to say "I'm going to work, we'll talk when I get home," but I didn't feel like talking to this silly bully. I merely glanced over at x, who happened to be with me, going out to walk the dog.

"You think you have her out here because you're scared of me," and at that point I raised an eyebrow towards x, not saying anything. The elevator had arrived, the door opened and x announced, "let's go," and almost pushed me into the elevator.

Later on, I chuckled over it with x, and moved on. Found it odd y would even say anything to me, and we realized y had no idea that x was going to be there, and thus y was surprised and whatever y had planned, it was reduced to empty words.

Fast forward to today, where x fills me in on the latest bullshit stories from y. My immediate thought was "why are you listening to y and WHY are you giving y the time of day?"

Because they're related. X caters to y's ego and thus nurtures and encourages the stupidity and ignorance of y. And y wonders why I ask outloud why did y even listen to this nonsense and y stays quiet, only when pushed does y ask why did I even decide to stick around.

And I know x is nervous. I calmed x down, and explained it was just a bullshit tactic, a lion with no teeth braying like the fucking donkey y truly is, and I said "you should know the tactic by now, it's been what, 30 years of this bullshit?" And I state, "Let's just forget about y, y is desperate for any kind of conversation even if it means starting a fight with you." And x seemed content with that.

Later on, after the dinner and movie, and we found our way home, we were met with a tense atmosphere. The air felt stagnant and mean, and most of all, negative. It soon worked its way on me, while x stayed pretty calm and admitted to having forgotten the whole thing because that's what I had advised them to do. Surprised x even listened, I stated that although I thought it was over, I had a feeling that y would be stepping up their game and may overstep even further towards doing something physical.

I also advised that I was trying not to get angry about it, because I refused to be bullied, but I was also angry because I had not done one blessed thing to stir this fucking idiot to focus on me. Y simply did because they were bored with their fucking lives and knew x was focusing on me again and this was not going to be.

It's like clockwork this bullshit. I also wondered if y was taking their meds on a regular basis, and x goes "probably not" and yet seems fascinated by whatever bullshit falls from y's mouth like it's fucking gold or food from the gods. It's like x starves for their bullshit as much as y loves shoveling it up x's ass.

Meanwhile, I had to relate, relax, release this insidious yucky feeling I was going through, too sensitive to the bullshit vibe going through the house. And x feels bad again, and I felt bad and ended up apologizing, because I wanted to say my piece and now it's like we're back to one with this sad person stirring shit. Then x brings up they had been asked to move to Atlanta. And that x is staying simply because I have nowhere else to go.

And the cycle of them going back and forth with this idiot continues. X continues to give power to y. What the fuck?

Now I'm the pity case. Now I'm the excuse and reason as to why x hasn't moved out, because x 'truly believed' the bullshit from y despite the fact that x was doing all the research and finding financial programs in order to help y move out. And y didn't lift a finger and didn't like anything x showed them. Like some high faluting queen. Of no kingdom. Yet despite the overwhelming ignorance, x comes when called, and continues to financially support this mindfuck because blood is thicker than water. Even when that means x will continue to do without and stress out for the rest of their fucking lives while Queenie goes about throwing their weight around.

Wow. Great. I need a cleansing and fast. And an exorcist.

visiting old friend

After some thinking, I decided to go to Easter dinner at an old friend's home. I brought some wine specific for the meal and some wine for the appetizers. When the door opened, my friend seemed rather surprised to see me. It was interesting, in the sense that I hadn't seen anyone in quite a while, and it was nice to see everyone. Some were new, some not so, and the chatter reminded me of when I was very little and visiting my grandmother's place and all the talk and laughter during holiday gatherings.

The only thing missing was that there was not a lot of kids, which really made the difference.

Kept myself busy, snapping photos, watching the interaction between the family members. The tension, the quick glances, the body language.

Of course, my friend overdid it with the appetizers as usual, and still wanted to do a full course dinner. Everyone was pretty stuffed by the time dinner arrived, and he was a little flustered by it all. His partner kept things moving in the kitchen, but I also couldn't help but notice that this was not the first time his partner squirreled himself away in the kitchen, as if not entirely comfortable with the family. When I brought it up later, when things had calmed after everyone went home and it was just me and my friend, he seemed slightly defensive, and claimed that his partner just wanted him to spend time with his family so he took over kitchen duties. I'm not completely sold on that explanation because it's not the first time or second time that it's occurred. But I just nodded, and left it alone.

I knew it was a perfect visit for him, because there was no need to talk or get too deep about anything, just keep it light, how's the weather, how the job kind of thing. Keep it simple, keep it light. It was like talking to a stranger who looks familiar. There seemed a disconnect. And I knew that having all those distractions of the family and the kitchen stuff was perfect to keep any conversation with him minimal at best. And it took care of a couple of things, in the sense that we get to see each other, seemingly spend some time together, and then not have to worry about seeing each other for awhile, because he took care of seeing everybody in one shot. Then he could hide himself away in whatever world and people he'd rather be in and with. I couldn't help but think that. Distracting myself with the camera and making small talk with his family was what got me through the day.

Meeting some more family of his was enlightening. All I could think of was 'night and day'. Viva la difference.

During the visit, I tried to make small talk, catch up with people and smiled throughout. I felt a little awkward as I think I overdressed a bit, everyone was casual, considering it was Easter. I am still so much my mother's child, my mother was the ultimate Virgo, fastidious to the t, making us dress up in our Sunday best.

I took the best photos of the set I took during the visit, cleaned them up, and sent them as attachments to my old friend with a short thank you note on the invite and that it was all very nice. Manners, manners, my dear.