write write write awayyyyyyy

Humming to myself, listening to the smart little clicks of the keyboard as I type this.

Let me tell you a little about my present. After living on my own for several years, I found myself getting kind of lonely. I had short-term boyfriends, I had flings, but nothing permanent. The minute they found I had my own place they were looking to find any excuse to stretch themselves onto my couch and peruse my CD collection and fridge. The worst part was having them decide it was alright for them to answer my phone, when I had an answering service to handle any calls when I wasn't home.

So yes, I was stupid to let them stay there if I had to leave. Sometimes, I just didn't have time to wait and watch them drag their ass as they took their time getting ready to go, even though they knew the day before that if they were to stay over, they had to be out by such and such time. They never made the fucking deadline.

Of course, once or two times, I would let them slide, and that, unfortunately, would be enough for them to find a way to get out of my good graces. For example, picking up my phone when it rung. They don't live or pay rent there, but for some reason that didn't bother them much and they wanted to pick up the phone. Of course I took this as a sign of aggression, rather, passive agressiveness, as I usually avoided dating stupid men who can't follow simple verbal instructions.

"If you're going to stay here today, please don't pick up my phone, I have an answering machine for that, thanks." "What if you call?" would be the bright person's answer. "You know my job number. See the caller ID window? If my number shows up, you can pick up, otherwise, don't pick up. Thanks. See you later."

Then of course I'd get home and the man would be stupid enough to tell me, "You got a couple of hang-ups on your phone." "I did?" I would ask, surprised. "Yeah, I picked up and then the person asked for you, some guy, and I told him no, and he hung up." Then he would look at me expectantly. I would then reiterate what they just told me, walking through my logic, "So....you heard the phone ring, you looked at the caller ID, and you picked it up anyway?" "Yeah," said the guy, feeling totally justified in picking it up because a male voice was on the other line. He had no idea that he was pulling a drama scene in MY fucking house when I didn't want him there in the first place. I checked the number. It was my brother calling. Okay jealous fuck, I thought to myself, you disregard what I ask, then I shall bring you pain.

I turned to face the asshole who is noticing how calm I am at the moment and then notices like a frightened dog that picks up the incoming storm, the atmosphere has suddenly changed and is charged. I took a pause, considering, before beginning my tirade. "I'm trying to understand why you picked up the phone when I told you not to -- do you have a learning disability or a hearing problem?"

"No, I don't have either one," he would say, "I just wanna know who was that calling." "Really? How is that any of your business here? Do you live here, do you pay rent here? Are we serious in a relationship here for you to be getting in my business?" "Your business?" he would ask, trying to get his gumption up. "Yes, my business. I want to know. I do you a solid by letting you stay here even though I told you I had to head out early and you drag your ass. I trusted you to stay here while I was gone. So you must've had some party while I was gone. You betrayed my trust." "Woman, I betrayed nobody. Why can't you just tell me who was on the phone?" "You picked up the phone asshole -- why didn't you ask then? Boy, some message taker you are!" I laughed.

"It's not funny," he said. "It's none of your business and you still fucked up by picking up the fucking phone in the first place. If I tell you to jump out a window will you do it too?" I was disgusted. "I trusted you, I let you stay in my house, my domain, and the first thing you do is the exact opposite of what I told you. I didn't ask for much, I didn't ask for blood or for your chastity. Would you be happy if I did this in your house when you are out? You need to go."

"What the fuck? Are you crazy?" he asked. "Crazy for letting you stay here against my better judgement. Oh, by the way, that was my brother." I picked up the phone and dialed the number. "Hey, bro, what's up? I have a guest here, he wants to talk to you, hold on." And I handed the phone over. He was flabbergasted but took the phone. "Hey....what's up. (pause) Nah, I'm just a friend, hanging at your sis' place. Yeah. (pause) Naw, it's all good. Well, it was good talking to you, I'm gonna give the phone back to your sister. Bye." And he hands the phone back.

"Yeah, bro, what's up?" I took the phone back and continued to talk to my brother, "Is everything OK at home?" "Yeah," laughed my brother over the phone, "Who the hell is that in your house and why am I talking to him?" "Oh, he didn't believe that you were my brother calling, so I had to settle that." "You gonna continue dating him?" "What do you think?" I countered. "Poor guy, what an idiot." "Well, he shot himself in the foot, he's only got himself to blame." "Has he apologized?" "Sadly no, but I'm not surprised. Anyway, gotta go, you sure all's well?" "I was wondering if I could borrow some money for a Metrocard." "When do you need it?" "I could swing by tomorrow at your job, around lunchtime." "Come by around 3 pm, that's when everyone's lunch is over and I can come down real quick and give you the card then." "Thanks sis." "You're welcome, see you tomorrow at 3 pm." "Okay, bye - love ya." "Love ya, bye." We hung up.

I go out to the living room to see sheepish boyfriend cowering on the sofa. "Baby," he starts, all soft and low in what he hopes is a sexy apologetic tone. "Well, you got your evidence. Realize that is the first and last time you are staying here ever." "Baby don't be like that, why do you have to be so drastic?" "Because you poked your nose where it didn't belong, sweetheart." I realized my voice was calm, gentle even. I made my boundary clear and he deliberately crossed it anyway. My mind was clear. I wasn't attached emotionally to this motherfucker. Making decisions like this were never hard for me. You fuck up once on a minor detail, how could I trust you on a major one? Nope, this boy would not do. A real man doesn't play games like this.

How come every guy that has tried this thinks he's going to honestly get over? I would shake my head sadly and say, "Nope, this just won't do." "You never had feelings for me, you probably had someone on the side anyway," he would say. "You fucked up, you took that chance, so now you have to face the consequences. You must have me mistaken for a fool. Take your shit and get out." He would leave, but would think it was just for me to cool off. Then he'd call, and...I had caller ID. I would pick up once and ask him to never call this number again, that we were over.

This only further inspired him to call more, to insist that he had something magical to say that would change my mind. "Look, I made a mistake," he would say, and I would simply listen. "We all make mistakes. And I'm sorry, I am so so sorry." "I accept your apology. But I don't want to see you again, I hope I am making myself clear to you." I would answer. "But why do you have to be like that?" he would plead. Because he knew he had it good. A woman who worked a full time job and supported herself, had her own place and no extra baggage to tie her down. A woman who avoided any kind of stress if she could help it and simply wanted a quiet nice life. And this motherfucker was determined to add stress to it and that was not going to happen as far as I was concerned.

"I was serious about what I told you before and you refuse to listen. I picked up the phone out of courtesy and I hope you will show me the same courtesy by not calling here again or I will consider that harassment and call the cops. Now leave me alone. Goodbye and have a nice life." And I hung up. Several repeat phone calls and then .... the visit at my door, looking all bedraggled, trying to plead their case. I would listen, then say to them that I heard them out and they did not change my mind, that the issue was settled. "It can't be!" they cried.

"Why, because you didn't end it first?" I asked, "I didn't cause this, you did. I don't have time for the theatrics. I need to trust the person I'm with and for this one small thing you couldn't handle it. So goodbye. Don't waste my fucking time. GET OUT and don't come back ever!" At this point my patience was gone. Only a threat to call the cops would get them going, because my merely telling them it was over and showing them I wanted nothing to do with them was not enough for these dim witted bulbs.

Thus I decided that living alone, while a lovely thing to experience, was also becoming quite tiresome. I craved stability, coming home to a home-cooked meal, instead of four walls and an elderly cat I inherited from my sister who dumped the cat on my doorstep when her soon to be hubby issued an ultimatum that the cat had to go if they were to marry. P.S. a year to the day of the marriage, divorce papers were served on the cat-hater asshole but that's another story to tell another day.

Once the cat died (and my dog died too) I decided that living alone was no longer working for me. My brother had become a liability with constantly losing jobs and crashing at my house when our mother was fed up with his laziness. I had no idea if he was on drugs and told him if he ever was he would not be allowed in my home. I had been coerced into taking him, really forced, because my mother asked me for a favor to store some of his belongings until she could situate him and he was going to take some clothing and just stay at her house for the time being. Little by little I saw him more and more stinking up my couch and playing video games til all hours and sleeping if not pawing around for food eating me out of house and home....yet he never seemed to smell when the kitty litter needed changing or the cat needed to be fed.

Tired of his b.s., I got the opportunity to move into a friend's cousin's place. The problem was I would be staying with their family and storing up all my shit into one room. Lucky I didn't have a lot of furniture but I did have bedroom furniture that I had to squeeze in. So the Aunt, we'll call her the Aunt, had immediately started eyeing my furniture, and asked if it had been given to me. I stated I bought every piece. And proudly, I thought. These were my first real purchases as a grown-up and I bought with value and quality in mind. This furniture had to last me and couldn't be cheapie IKEA crap.

The best part was I was staying in 'the city' so that meant easy transportation, I could get to work easy, like in twenty minutes as opposed to an hour and a half, and I would just chip in for my portion of the rent. After a while, I realized Auntie was a bit off her rocker and deliberately ignored doctor's orders and skipped her meds, some of which were to keep her behavior steady (anti-psychotic pills). Of course none of this was mentioned to me before moving in, so it's been such a...how shall I put it, a barrel of laughs and surprises every week as to what is crazy ol' Auntie going to pull next?