Fighting the urge to break something. Or break something over someone's head.

It's frustration, really. For a number of reasons and none.

Why is it that a simple smile and gentle tease get someone to think you got the hots for them?

Why is it that a simple request to meet for an interview turns into a power play as to who is available when?

Why is it that you ask me what dates I'm available for, I give them to you, and you still go for an alternate day? What passive-aggressive b.s. is that? Why bother asking? Just tell me what days you are available and cut the crap.

Why is it that you want to give the air that you are so busy that you don't dare give your availability days as if to prove you are?

Here's an example:

"What days are you available next week to interview?"

"Monday and Tuesday, any time."

"How about Thursday?"

"I am not available. How about the following Monday?"

"No. Are you employed?"

What kind of question is that to ask? As if I would have nothing better to do if I was not employed to come when called like some fucking dog. I resist the urge to tell this person off, because I knew they were making a catty point. And this meet is not a guarantee of any kind, just a courtesy call at best. Some courtesy. I call them for what they are, a lookee-loo. Which means I'll be wasting another $4.50 of my precious money to go through the motions of filling out an application with information my resume already has supplied to them, further wasting my time, money, energy and now, ink. Instead, I do a classic passive aggressive move that I always hated someone else doing when I had asked them a direct question -- ignore their question with providing my own:

"Can you provide alternate dates that don't land towards the end of the week?" I counter.

The person comes up with Wednesday @ 10 am, despite the fact I was clear that I had nothing available beyond Tuesday of that week. (remember I offered Monday and Tuesday) and the day before they wanted to see me (they had picked Thursday).

They are not in a rush and making it clear and are hoping I am. While I am eager to work, desperation has gotten me into more jams than I care to admit or get into again. This is something that perhaps this agency is counting on. However, I can't afford desperation tactics, and I have no track record with them and I'm only going by a fellow acquaintance's referral not by the company's reputation if they have one so it's a wash.

Do I blink and take the day even though I already stated I'm not available for it? Or do I write and say that I will take the day they offer, end the power play and simply allow for the waste of time? And I assume waste, because if they really thought I was something, they would have accomodated me somehow.

Well, we'll see. I have some time to think about it.

Right now I'm doing laundry, preparing for the long weekend ahead. My volunteer work will not be in play, so I am in for one long uneventful weekend, staring at people who don't make my life any easier to deal with.

It's another crappy grey day. It's Monday. And there's no money coming in.

change...resistance is futile

It's easier to give up. If you surrender, then things can change.

At least that's what I'm trying to convince myself.

Looking for money in all places

While I keep seeing commercials for "cash for clunkers" (amazing how people aren't motivated by money, they claim they want to help the environment, but yet could have just bought a more environmentally friendly car and chose not to), I continue to look for ways to make money.

Came across an ad for WebMD, where one can be diagnosed if one claims to be depressed. If I already know what's wrong with me why exactly would I need ot take a test? The flip side of that is, once I prove I am indeed depressed, I MAY get an audition for some kind of health segment. The money sounds lovely. The issue I have is, they will be be able to poll a lot of people regarding their personal information, which could be priceless or at least more expensive to have than just bringing in some people to audition for two minutes each.

In any case, I'm relaxing and going to take a shower in a few in order to get ready for my afternoon appointment. I'm also waiting to hear back on one temp (open ended) gig, and got information on another agency that another person advised they already got a temp gig out of.

I'm off to suss out more money.

It's only 12:10 but I'm already working to stop the pacing in my head. Simply because of finances.

Worrying won't make things better or change things. I'm tired of punishing myself mentally when things don't go right or things get delayed.

It's just wasted energy. I've played with the idea to send my resume on to get looked at, without charge, by having a friend review it. They probably will have no idea what to do about it since they never worked as an assistant.

Meanwhile, I've been sleeping like a champ. Having weird dreams, waking up thinking I was already awake. Grinding my teeth. Augh. Not a good sign.

opposites don't attract

What happens when you realize someone is deliberately saying the opposite of everything you say?

Well. Is it a sign of insanity?

Talked to M about getting involved with a person, and M seemed very aloof about it. M stated M wouldn't get involved, because they were traditional or more conservative.

Which of course, made me laugh. Because I've recalled instances where M had taken off with someone they just met that night and went home with them, as me as a witness. And I gently pointed out that they had on more than one occasion been less than conservative and had done some spur of the moment things when lust had grabbed them. They paused for a second to consider it, then admitted that they had. Like I needed them to admit that. I stated they could not be old fashioned if they had been a lot more impulsive than that.

"You reacted on your impulsiveness, not ignored it," I stated, and that was the end of that.

Was this person trying to re-write history yet again? It seemed at times that this person was used to re-writing their history as they saw fit -- usually the person that knew them ended up not knowing them anymore and they were no longer friends.

So there was no one to refute or deny any revision to M's life story. M could tell it any way they wished, and who was going to know?

Except as time passed, I was knowing a certain history, and as far as the instances of sexuality and attractiveness, I had been a casual observer. And the re-writes weren't going to happen with me.

M was someone who liked having relationships, light and uncomplicated, that wouldn't impinge on M's freedom to do as M pleased. Of course this meant that the person had to be special, someone who would be able to walk that fine line with M.

Depending on M's mood, that line could change.

There was a distancing with M. You weren't allowed to get too close. So if you don't mind being held at a distance, then M is your ticket to that aloof romance. Where things are pristine and don't get dirty or twisted, but don't get too close either. You can think whatever you want of M but it will be pure and unfettered, no strings attached.

Ask nothing of M that M can't handle. Too many rules may make M squirm and run. Treat M too lightly and M might just float away into another's arms. M likes attention and likes to be the one to walk away.

So sitting at a bar where M is acting amused while I get some attention was a little refreshing. Until the point was brought up about how M was so conservative and not into what these alcohol fueled dolts were proposing. "I just don't go off with anybody," M said all prim. I smiled, and immediately the thought came to mind of how M had indeed taken off with someone they barely knew after a dance or two on the dancefloor.

"Um, yes you have. I can recall quite a few times where you acted on impulse, my dear." I said, with a smile. Realizing I was incredulous at M's blatant lie. Or was it hypocrisy? Or just getting old that M simply forgot their sexual appetite?

"Ohhhhh...well. Yes." M's smile twitched. I watched as M's face changed from at first seemingly unaware of what they'd just said to the realization that yes, they had gotten some because I witnessed them in action.

"Hmmmm. Thought so." I thought.

When M saw me getting attention and enjoying it, it seemed to turn M off. Suddenly M was forgetting what they used to do and how I was not privvy to that kind of thing. Back then, I didn't mess around, I was looking for something more serious.

Yet here we were, several years later, and was M informing me the tables had turned? Can one go back to being a virgin? No, I don't think so.

I looked at M and realized that there was a creature who did this kind of thing. Who changed to reflect the situation they were in. Yet a part of me also sensed that this was deliberate, to be deliberately the opposite, that one of us had to be the practical one while the other was having fun and going dizzy. What would happen if we were ever on the same page. Suddenly I understood M, I had gotten to where M had gotten, and now M was putting on the brakes by taking the other side of where I had been.

I kept thinking that M was the other part of me. I can imagine this.

So if I'm being the opposite, that keeps me safe. That keeps me....distant.

Having unhealthy thoughts

Of course, I could say they are simply the thoughts of someone who is lonely, but my dreams have been pretty detailed. My mind wanders to illicit encounters, death, and I don't know what else. This morning woke up feeling stuffy, and it looks lilke I'm having an allergic reaction, most likely to mold, or dust. Will have to clean off my nightstand as it's looking pretty creepy there now.

T vaccuumed the floor and cleaned the filter in the air conditioner, just in case but it wasn't that dirty. I hate when I get like this, all sensitive to something in the air and it fucks me up. I'm trying to maintain positivity. I work later in the week and can't afford to get sick. AUGH!

So far no one has responded as to whether they will be working at the same gig I will be at, so I have no idea what to do. I figure I'll figure it out when I get there. It's only Jersey.

Will research how to get there since I have nothing else better to do.

going through a clear jellylike substance needing to break free

I know I will look back at all of this and laugh, laugh laugh.

Until then, it's no laughing matter.

Watched the sun rise and then...nothing

It looks like it's going to be a simply gorgeous day. I want to take a shower but feeling too lazy. Lucky for me I don't have to run to go to work in an office today. Oh well. One less paycheck to spend on silly things.

Next week is going to be busy and I'm thrilled. Trying not to give too much away because I don't want to jinx anything.

Male whiner on "can't get a date" so just shoot to kill.

A man goes on a shooting spree at one of those workout gym places where a bunch of women are at an exercise class -- he opens fire on the class, even shooting the instructor who was pregnant.

Managed to kill 3 women, pregnant woman hurt but alive.

So what was all this about? I flashed right away thinking this guy had a problem with women.

Guess I didn't need a fancy degree to figure that one out. Turns out the fool had trouble relating to women and couldn't get a date to save his life. So he decided to turn that anger into action. If a woman wouldn't say yes to him, he was going to hurt and kill them the same way he was feeling.

Dude, there are bigger issues out there needing fixing and not getting a date is not one of the priorities here. Life is too short to be miserable. You should have shot yourself and taken yourself out of your own misery.

I do not have any sympathy for someone who resorts to violence over something that is non-violent in nature. You learn to live on your own and get to love yourself first before you think someone else can love you. If you don't love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to? And in the end, you grow up and realize that your existence does not hinge on someone liking you or not. That's high school shit to think it does.

He wasn't a bad looking man, he probably had zero social skills or just wasn't very nice to people to begin with. In any case, he lives and three women died because of his social ineptness and misplaced anger. Anger towards women continue unabated even in this day and age. Sad.

darkness

had what i've read to be a dark night of the soul. i felt helpless, lost, depressed, frustrated, alone.

i wanted to know what this transition was all about. where was it going? was it going to end on a good note and open the doors to something better? i had no idea. it was like being one of those planes that line up behind another in the air, waiting for the OK to land. i was tired of being in the air, stuck up there, not moving, not going anywhere, just waiting, as if in suspension.

im aggravated and eager to move forward.

i woke up this morning with a pounding headache from falling asleep crying out of frustration and anger. i cancelled a meeting i had today because i felt miserable and didn't think i could share that kind of joy with another person. didn't want to rain on another's parade. so i pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep, head pounding away, jaw screaming to relax.

i woke up four hours later and found that the mail had been picked up and a check from an old gig was in the pile of mail. i looked at it, feeling a semi-smile coming on, then feeling bittersweet.

looking at the amount of that lowly check and for a gig that didn't even get mentioned in the check's re: line. It just says something like replaced as a notation, because i had never gotten the first check for the BG gig I did at 30 Rock. I wonder why it got held back and no one ever did tell me, all I got was a letter, that said under a list of companies held under one check company, that i may or may not have a check being held.

i called, they asked for my identification which i gave, but they offered no other take on where the check may've been or why it was delayed, because they had my full address to mail the stupid heads-up letter in the first place and it got to me just fine.

in any case, it's a nice little thing to have, it will go straight to the negative amount i owe for rent.

shit. T went to go visit some friends, and made some headway regarding possible job openings. I wonder if T went with copies of my resume. We went over it late last night during my frustration rant.

Don't feel like eating. Was left with some chocolate chip cookies, the soft kind that I like from Entemann's. I snacked on those and had a soda to boost my energy level.

i look at the daily calendar i have listed on this blog and it's pushed to a month ahead, to September. is that a sign or indicator of when things will finally pick up and for the better? the other night the computer calendar listed another different YEAR. Don't know what's going on with my computer, it's acting glitchy. Maybe a trojan? Fuck.

We'll see what happens next.