I am so sick and tired of people going on t.v. saying yes, they were involved with a married or recently separated high profile person, and yes, they knew they were married, or that the person was television and had kids...yes....but they are hurting when they get dumped and go on t.v. to air that they 'aren't the bad guy'. Oh yes, my dear, you most certainly are.
And explaining yourself while saying "like, like, like" is certainly not going to make you appear intelligent, composed or mature. You are a baby and can't let go of your recently departed adolescence, go on t.v. to whine and cry that people call you ugly or all kinds of names.
You are over 18 and not a child anymore. NO more parents running with a bandaid to solve a boo-boo. This is the adult world and you will get hurt and you will have to handle your shit right and deal.
This is ridiculous.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
leap of faith
Today after doing some volunteer work, I went to check out some fashion and go window shopping. After that, I wandered into Chinatown. The weather was a lovely early fall day, sunny, blue sky, and I was in no hurry to go home. Besides, home is subjective, anyway.
I went to eat some fresh tasty dumplings, cheap, 5 for $1. Then I went to buy some candy and pick up art supplies as I walked, dodging tourists and traffic in the narrow winding streets. By the time I got to the train station, my legs were tired. I had been standing on my feet for several hours anyway and it was time to relax a bit.
As I scrawled some notes on my city observations, I let two trains pass me by, picking up passengers on the way. I felt at peace, alone yet not, in this city that is all I know, and all I am.
By the time I got on the train and took a moment to look for the time, it was 2:30. I had thought it was much later than that, more like 4:30. Getting home, I took my time, enjoying the sunshine.
When I got home, I was greeted with a comment like are you having a better day, are you feeling better. I felt better. Because I gave myself space and permission to vent. No one else could.
I went to eat some fresh tasty dumplings, cheap, 5 for $1. Then I went to buy some candy and pick up art supplies as I walked, dodging tourists and traffic in the narrow winding streets. By the time I got to the train station, my legs were tired. I had been standing on my feet for several hours anyway and it was time to relax a bit.
As I scrawled some notes on my city observations, I let two trains pass me by, picking up passengers on the way. I felt at peace, alone yet not, in this city that is all I know, and all I am.
By the time I got on the train and took a moment to look for the time, it was 2:30. I had thought it was much later than that, more like 4:30. Getting home, I took my time, enjoying the sunshine.
When I got home, I was greeted with a comment like are you having a better day, are you feeling better. I felt better. Because I gave myself space and permission to vent. No one else could.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
petty assholes
I go out in the fucking rain in order to get dinner. Spend my hard earned money for a job I give two shits about in order to start saving for my career, pay down my debt, and move out for good.
And what happens? So and so comes in with a small plate of food from a person who could not summon the energy for close to a year to cook. Someone who is petty, vindictive, and a user -- and family. So suddenly this person is up for cooking when they see a paycheck coming in?
I already let so and so know that I have zero interest in eating any food this person may suddenly start creating as I suspected that this person might. Each time I was able to predict with 100% accuracy what this person's behavior was and what they were going to do.
Then we flash forward to so and so being an idiot and continuing to push for saint of the century by being everybody's friend and not wanting to upset anybody. I went in the fucking rain for the food. I went in the fucking rain because we were in agreement, at least I thought we were, about whether to take any fucking handouts from the vindictive petty one again.
Of course, so and so wonders why they haven't been able to get the petty one out of the house. Because they've enabled the petty one to death. But hey, blood is thicker than water, right? Let's let them step all over us, run the show, run our lives, simply because the petty one squatted you out?
Not all mothers are mothers. Anyone can give birth. The mother part comes from actually nuturing and taking care of you, looking out for you, putting your needs above one's own. Yet I don't see that here, there's certainly no history of that here. And yet, the blood calls. Blood is thicker than water to justify being abused and taken advantage of.
This is why as time has gone on, I have totally lost interest, have become actually disappointed and now repulsed by the bullshit that is allowed to occur simply because of relations.
This is total bullshit. And I hope so and so finds someone who likes being made a carpet as much as so and so does because by doing what so and so is doing, and then harping on another relative who is using tough love tactics on this same petty person by saying "good luck, I tried, it doesn't work" tells me that the only difference is that this other person actually has a more healthier sense of self and is actually concerned about the petty one getting off their haunches and getting a life of their own so they are not a burden to the family or anyone else for that matter.
There's nothing wrong with this. Yet it scares so and so to death. So and so likes to have people dependent on them, makes them feel important and useful.
I am so fucking done. If I could come into some major funds, I'd be out of here and out of their lives in a heartbeat because so and so simply doesn't want to understand that in order to have their own life, they have to claim it and if it means putting so called user family 'over there' at a distance, so be it. But so and so won't do it no matter how much so and so is put upon. So and so likes being abused and can't imagine a life doing anything else to the point that they can only think of suicide if things WERE to get worse. So and so cannot imagine just getting their own life, this is way too scary for her.
I'm glad I was able to write this down because I was actually angry about this tired old topic we keep dancing about on. It's time to take that old record off and find a new one.
Although my tactic is: if you are a mean spiteful turd to me, I will give you exactly what you dish out and you will eat it. Fuck you.
And what happens? So and so comes in with a small plate of food from a person who could not summon the energy for close to a year to cook. Someone who is petty, vindictive, and a user -- and family. So suddenly this person is up for cooking when they see a paycheck coming in?
I already let so and so know that I have zero interest in eating any food this person may suddenly start creating as I suspected that this person might. Each time I was able to predict with 100% accuracy what this person's behavior was and what they were going to do.
Then we flash forward to so and so being an idiot and continuing to push for saint of the century by being everybody's friend and not wanting to upset anybody. I went in the fucking rain for the food. I went in the fucking rain because we were in agreement, at least I thought we were, about whether to take any fucking handouts from the vindictive petty one again.
Of course, so and so wonders why they haven't been able to get the petty one out of the house. Because they've enabled the petty one to death. But hey, blood is thicker than water, right? Let's let them step all over us, run the show, run our lives, simply because the petty one squatted you out?
Not all mothers are mothers. Anyone can give birth. The mother part comes from actually nuturing and taking care of you, looking out for you, putting your needs above one's own. Yet I don't see that here, there's certainly no history of that here. And yet, the blood calls. Blood is thicker than water to justify being abused and taken advantage of.
This is why as time has gone on, I have totally lost interest, have become actually disappointed and now repulsed by the bullshit that is allowed to occur simply because of relations.
This is total bullshit. And I hope so and so finds someone who likes being made a carpet as much as so and so does because by doing what so and so is doing, and then harping on another relative who is using tough love tactics on this same petty person by saying "good luck, I tried, it doesn't work" tells me that the only difference is that this other person actually has a more healthier sense of self and is actually concerned about the petty one getting off their haunches and getting a life of their own so they are not a burden to the family or anyone else for that matter.
There's nothing wrong with this. Yet it scares so and so to death. So and so likes to have people dependent on them, makes them feel important and useful.
I am so fucking done. If I could come into some major funds, I'd be out of here and out of their lives in a heartbeat because so and so simply doesn't want to understand that in order to have their own life, they have to claim it and if it means putting so called user family 'over there' at a distance, so be it. But so and so won't do it no matter how much so and so is put upon. So and so likes being abused and can't imagine a life doing anything else to the point that they can only think of suicide if things WERE to get worse. So and so cannot imagine just getting their own life, this is way too scary for her.
I'm glad I was able to write this down because I was actually angry about this tired old topic we keep dancing about on. It's time to take that old record off and find a new one.
Although my tactic is: if you are a mean spiteful turd to me, I will give you exactly what you dish out and you will eat it. Fuck you.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Moving out and moving on
An announcement: Next year it's moving out year.
After waiting for over three years for someone else in the house to move, and them squawking they were going to, and hearing about them going back and forth to get papers processed, and borrowing cars to go looking half-heartedly at places and finding things wrong with every single last little few of them, the person has effectively made sure they screwed up finding something they can live in by themselves and have continued to squat here, while paying only a third of the rent.
Between me and another, we pay over half the rent. And it seems I'm right back where I started. My projects are to clean up my credit, help someone get on their feet along with me, and then say thank you and move on. Being stuck is not what I am interested in being, and I am tired of having to play second third fourth fiddle. I purposely did not have kids because I know how the attention must change to accomodate and focus on them.
So now I have to stop selling myself short, which is what I'm doing. I don't know what anyone else is doing, but I'm tired of waiting. Just tired. I am helping where I can, and once those things are in place, I am gone. To struggle. Alone. Again.
I'm better off.
After waiting for over three years for someone else in the house to move, and them squawking they were going to, and hearing about them going back and forth to get papers processed, and borrowing cars to go looking half-heartedly at places and finding things wrong with every single last little few of them, the person has effectively made sure they screwed up finding something they can live in by themselves and have continued to squat here, while paying only a third of the rent.
Between me and another, we pay over half the rent. And it seems I'm right back where I started. My projects are to clean up my credit, help someone get on their feet along with me, and then say thank you and move on. Being stuck is not what I am interested in being, and I am tired of having to play second third fourth fiddle. I purposely did not have kids because I know how the attention must change to accomodate and focus on them.
So now I have to stop selling myself short, which is what I'm doing. I don't know what anyone else is doing, but I'm tired of waiting. Just tired. I am helping where I can, and once those things are in place, I am gone. To struggle. Alone. Again.
I'm better off.
Monday, October 19, 2009
busy day low energy
This morning I was hit with a wave of sudden dizziness and had to sit down, and wait for the spell to pass. Lucky I had a few minutes to spare, and for a moment, seriously considered getting a cab. By the time I picked up the phone to dial, the moment had passed, and I was feeling better. I had shrugged out of my pea coat by then and as I stirred, switched back to my black trenchcoat and scarf, praying it wasn't too cold out. The weather on t.v. stated it was 38 degrees. Winter weather and not even Halloween.
I took some ibru and continued to gather strength to get ready. By the time the cool crisp air hit my face in the street, I was feeling much better and steadier on my feet. It wasn't for another hour or so when the cramps began, but I had already taken the ibru so it' didn't hit as hard. By the time 1:00 pm rolled around, I had to take a refresh on the ibru and then had lunch, a light salad and some ginger ale. The afternoon went quickly.
I am ready to call it a night. Didn't sleep well last night and now I have cramps. Augh.
I took some ibru and continued to gather strength to get ready. By the time the cool crisp air hit my face in the street, I was feeling much better and steadier on my feet. It wasn't for another hour or so when the cramps began, but I had already taken the ibru so it' didn't hit as hard. By the time 1:00 pm rolled around, I had to take a refresh on the ibru and then had lunch, a light salad and some ginger ale. The afternoon went quickly.
I am ready to call it a night. Didn't sleep well last night and now I have cramps. Augh.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
are you bored?
I was asked at my new job whether I was not finding this position challenging. I said it was fine, why did they ask? They apparently have had people get quickly bored and wanted to know my thoughts. I smiled and said I was currently still learning minute details about the position as I went along, and wasn't bored. I also advised that I was willing to help out in any way I can as long as it didn't affect the main reason for my being there. I got a nod, and a listen, but not much feedback, because apparently no news is good news according to the person I was talking to. "Is there anything I could be looking at to improve on?" I asked, "Have you received any feedback?" The answer was no and that there was no feedback. ??? Nothing good or bad? No. So I have no idea. I don't know how I feel about that, it seems shady, quite frankly. Get to the point. Maybe there isn't any.
It was interesting how my interviewer's face seemed to fall a bit when I replied to their question of whether I'm bored with that I wasn't, there was always something to do and I was still learning. "Do you feel comfortable working alone?" I was asked. "Yes," I said, simply. It was true. I wish I could know what flew through the interviewer's mind.
It's a paycheck. I do my job as well as possible and go home. No worries. So let's see what happens.
It was interesting how my interviewer's face seemed to fall a bit when I replied to their question of whether I'm bored with that I wasn't, there was always something to do and I was still learning. "Do you feel comfortable working alone?" I was asked. "Yes," I said, simply. It was true. I wish I could know what flew through the interviewer's mind.
It's a paycheck. I do my job as well as possible and go home. No worries. So let's see what happens.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Keeping things hidden
The battle begins as far as how much I should say and not say. I watch as I see people spinning out of control with their frustrations. I know that a lot of them have worked together for a long time. I can't honestly say that I'll be there forever -- can I be content working there for, say, a decade or until retirement? I honestly can't say that. I believe in taking things one day at a time. I am not interested in getting involved in being frustrated on someone not coming through in a timely manner.
I'm on borrowed time. This money is to go to what I want to do -- pay off my debt, stabilize my credit, take some classes and save for my real creative pursuits. I just have to stay focused, and not allow the drama to suck me in.
I just remembered I have to do something, on my creative side!
I'm on borrowed time. This money is to go to what I want to do -- pay off my debt, stabilize my credit, take some classes and save for my real creative pursuits. I just have to stay focused, and not allow the drama to suck me in.
I just remembered I have to do something, on my creative side!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
work behaviors
Today I had to deal with the inevitability that comes from working in an office. The "I don't want to do work so I pawn it off to someone else by feigning ignorance or overwhelmness" routine. I have someone who is designated as my backup but who has not been very helpful in training me in any way. Anything that is given to them immediately gets an "I was trained but can't remember" or "I don't use this all the time so I don't know" or "I don't know, call so and so" who in turn tells me in an aggravated frustrated tone that this backup indeed knows but just doesn't want to be bothered with doing it.
Not knowing what to do, I am left with a growing concern that I have little to no backup that will be reliable let alone efficient. Others who have other responsibilities are being pulled to cover for this person and I don't know why.
It is time to have a pow-wow with my boss to see how the power lines flow and what can be done regarding the backup who doesn't want to be the backup. It will not be an easy talk as I don't like confrontation (most people do not like to be advised on what they could improve upon) so this will be interesting.
I am in training the next several days so I don't have the time to do some things, and this backup is to take care of it and is again playing overwhelmed and dumb on something they had indicated they had prior training on but just couldn't remember as they didnt' use it a lot. I'm going to suggest this person goes on refresher courses and be further utilized to keep the person in 'remember' mode.
Not knowing what to do, I am left with a growing concern that I have little to no backup that will be reliable let alone efficient. Others who have other responsibilities are being pulled to cover for this person and I don't know why.
It is time to have a pow-wow with my boss to see how the power lines flow and what can be done regarding the backup who doesn't want to be the backup. It will not be an easy talk as I don't like confrontation (most people do not like to be advised on what they could improve upon) so this will be interesting.
I am in training the next several days so I don't have the time to do some things, and this backup is to take care of it and is again playing overwhelmed and dumb on something they had indicated they had prior training on but just couldn't remember as they didnt' use it a lot. I'm going to suggest this person goes on refresher courses and be further utilized to keep the person in 'remember' mode.
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