when no means no....it means NO

People have gotten severely allergic when told NO. As in, no, do not feed the dog beyond what it was already fed, its own meansured dogfood. There is a reason the dog eats a certain amount of a certain kind of food, and is not allowed human food. DO NOT go behind my back and feed the dog food the minute you think I won't notice or see.

I already have a dog that is going on ten years old, is obese and, I suspect, diabetic. The dog is fed human food, her own food, and snacks throughout the day. The dog goes out maybe once a day and when it feels like it, as it came trained to go indoors and has a dedicated wee wee pad spot.

Her back legs are going, and she cries in pain when she has to jump down or walk beyond a block. The vet warned me several times to put the dog on a diet and no more overfeeding. I explained I live with family and when I go to work, I can't see what's going on and have to trust that the dog is being taken care of by my family. The vet only gets frustrated and yells at me like I can control what I am not physically there to oversee.

This pisses me off. Meanwhile, family goes about their business, maybe chastened for a couple of days, then slides back inevitably because the dog is "not liking them" or is giving them "attitude" and they are trying to appease the dog. Appease? The dog is not a pitbull or some guard dog that has a job or is violent. The dog is simply a spoiled moody pouty obese mess courtesy of my aunt who thinks no one notices when she gives glazed donuts as a comfort snack to the dog when she has to go out to run errands.

Today my other dog, who is relatively newer to the home, has been carefully kept away from my aunt simply because I am afraid that my aunt will continue her love abuse with this second dog. This morning the dog woke up not feeling well, and was dry heaving. I massaged his belly and comforted him until he felt better and then took him for a walk where he seemed to relieve himself with no problem. When we got back, the dog seemed interested in going to check out what was happening in the kitchen and eventually broke out to go check things out.

When he didn't come back after a couple of minutes, I went to look for him. He came out from around the corner of my aunt's bed in her room, licking his chops. K. picked him up and I said to him, "Why are you licking your chops? Let me find out." and I went back to my room. K. came back a minute later to advise that auntie had given the dog some tuna.

Which part of don't feed the dog anything did aunt not understand?

Sex. The last frontier.

With Eat Love Pray hitting the theaters, and copies of the book being given out amongst women, the story about finding oneself and realizing who you are is not lost on me. It's been something I've been attempting to figure out for a long time. I know I've always been me, and that is satisfying if simple to realize. Perhaps the simplicity of this just 'being me' is what is tricking me from time to time. Who am I? What am I? What will I do in times of stress, hardship or joy? I know this: I am my best when under pressure, when things are tight, I just tuck my head down, roll up my sleeves and get to work. Grimy or not. *grin* When times are good, when someone who is a relatively good and sane person loves me or could be seen as a potential love interest, I immediately shoot myself in the foot. I become 'not myself' and fall apart in a spectacular doubting mess. Those who know me shake their heads and tell me to stop being afraid. I am so seemingly unafraid of so much yet vulnerability and relating such with another human being? ACKKKKK!

There are classes on sexuality, learning different things, techniques, possibly learning what my preferences are, that kind of thing. It'll be my own Eat Love Pray, without having to leave home in order to do it. I can discover my own undiscovered country. It will be a great learning experience. It's time to know me as a woman and what I want in a sexual partner once and for all. And I won't get fat or starve in the process.

the sex thing always gets in the way

Best line in a film? "Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." How true. Before it was easy to just relax and just eat and laugh and drink and hang out, but those days are seemingly over. I have to constantly watch what I say, because everyone's fucking monitoring. Of course, some people are like, "well, we never thought you lacked in confidence", but in reality, I'm a fucking human being like everyone else, and there are days when I feel my fragility more than others. Ok?

There's a marked shift in relationships. I have very little tolerance for other's bullshit, that hasn't changed. Communication levels and common sense levels are in the toilet. It's amazing work gets done at all, I can only imagine how much time is wasted and how many deadlines are missed simply because people are uninspired or don't care.

A part of me quickly goes about making like I understand those around me. A lot of them are simple, they are just waiting for the bell to ring so they can leave like lemmings. I never see as much energy and enthusiasm and smiles than when it's five o'clock. You can time everything to when they know it's five. Yet ask them where a file is or why they can't retain the same phone number they've asked for (and you've given without attitude) three times in a row and it's like a fucking mind-bending session with a piece of shriveled fruit.

Back to sex.

And friends.

Awkwardness.

I want to get close to people I care about and love. They don't make it easy, though. It's tough to get some decent alone time with them, and then they look like a lobster trying to get out of the boiling pot. They are uncomfortable, they don't like communication and exchanging ideas and thoughts as that's just way too intimate. They'd rather fuck in the dark, listlessly yet urgently like a dog does when he looks to the left as if he's reading instructions while fucking another dog.

Are people that immune or that starved for conversation? Have we become inept in social graces? yet blogs show up all the time, everyone has a comment or point of view. Why isn't anyone TALKING to each other? Know why? Because no one wants to listen and comprehend. Ego pushes you to be the only one talking. It could be about absolutely nothing.

I have been known to let silence be my guide. I will let minutes pass before I say anything, just taking in the scenery, chewing my food, pause to sip, thinking over what someone just told me in a conversation to figure out if it's something I could agree or disagree with.

There's adventure. Places to see, things to experience. Yet. There's people to meet. Each person I meet reflects a part that I am afraid to see. Which part is that? The closing off part. Further closing off who I am because creating and maintaining a friendship is a lot of work.

There are times I would rather read a book. And sex is overrated. Too many stupid decisions are made based on whether someone can make you cum. It's not worth it.

continue to write as I downfall, trip, and look to stabilize

The desire to write is fleeting. It is hard not to edit myself the minute I put something down, because I have fear for who might read it. Fear of the laughter, the always looking, wanting to see what internal dialogue I may have. From the time I was little, it was always the same.

Had siblings seek, unlock and underline especially juicy parts and show to parents, had lovers search through my belongings, unlock and read portions of my thoughts only to have it thrown back in my face. "You're always writing, every day you write stuff down, and for what? THIS is what you really think? How dare you!" The message was I had no right to think those thoughts, I was, in essence, dirty and shameful to them. And the anger. My god, the anger.

Diaries were my source of keeping my sanity, of making sense of what happened to me, and what I couldn't control throughout the day. My impressions and feelings, both of people and myself. A part of me wondered why things were the way the were, while another part was resigned to it.

Those who have known me for a long time marvel at how I still continue to struggle with this, that I just simply haven't resigned myself over completely and 'grown up'. So, growing up means acceptance of what is, not wanting or working for what could be, and putting daydreams to rest once and for all.

But you see, that's the worst thing about adulthood. The sense of playfulness, of wonder, of righteousness, is over. What is left? A dull colorless world. Yes, you are realistic, but a lot dies in the eyes. No wonder it frightened me so to look into certain people's eyes. Death was already there, even if they were physically healthy. The light just ... goes.

Meanwhile, there is life to life, and a life to create, whether it's having a child or creating a new path for myself. I'd like to think I still have some choices, and that everything will come together one way or another. I believe there's no such thing as coincidence, and that everyone has a right to pursue their happiness as long as it's not at the expense of another. Which is tough. That's a lot when there's so many people in the world and they all want the other one to disappear or die.

These past few weeks have been tough. But it's starting to get light. I'm seeing the light. It's coming. And it's all OK. I will be OK. That is certain.

made the dip took the risk

A new computer is on the way. Bigger screen, more power, and I'm satisfied. Haven't eaten dinner yet as I've been playing and downloading for the past couple of hours, testing the keyboard and seeing how quick it processes. Nothing like when you are feeling like, FINALLY, you know?

Back to playing.

incest is NOT a joke people

I am so f-kin' p-o'd about these idiots posting for this Supernatural show, a writing fiction trend called win-cest, and how these writers, in the name of fandom, write about their fantasies of getting two brothers together while they hunt for their parents' supernatural killers.

Anything to do with incest, and making it fun or 'art', is complete and total bullshit. There are people who are actually proud to write such garbage, and take pride in getting noticed for writing shit that they wish they could get away with but don't have the guts to.

"But it's just a show on t.v., it's not real," some of them may whine when they take a second to stop jerking off at their computer.

Yes, but incest is. You trifling ignorant silly fools.

They think incest (and portray it) as something not just illicit, but sexually arousing in its illicitness, that this is "the ultimate" in two men showing their love to each other, never mind they are brothers or are shocked or tricked or spelled into homosexual acts while sharing blood of the same parents on both sides. What happened to just telling each other they love each other? Why is seeing two men, brothers or not, who care about and love each other HAVE to lead to sex?

Some argue, well, dead mother, raised by father, always looking for daddy influences -- where's the mom influence? The reason these writers are drawn to writing about this taboo is because they know it's controversial, even if it's sick. And to have it connected with homosexuality puts a doublebrand on sending the message "homosexuality is evil and only occurs in perverted situations".

When people realize that homosexuality is not supernatural or out of the ordinary but very much a part of the human sexuality as a whole, these kind of stupid stories would not make such twisted logic 'art'. Or give it some stupid cutesy name. As if that makes it smart or relevant.

I don't know what's worse, the 'writing' or the actual photo or "fan pic" manipulations. These people need to get a real life and do some real good out in the world instead of hyping incest as the ultimate love act. Pedophiles use that 'reasoning' of the ultimate love act all the time and you see how much concern is shown for their welfare when they go to jail -- they tend not to survive for very long and end up mysteriously and brutally dead.

If any of these fucks were ever a victim of sexual abuse, they would be horrified at their own stupidity.

Yet these people are allowed to breathe and breed and unleash their stupidity onto the next generation. Idiots.

http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/index.php?title=Wincest

Starting to look at diet plans

Taking small steps, baby steps towards my goals. Am going to keep track of my eating, although it kind of skeeves me to say that or do that.

I'm thinking of also going blond. Don't know if I have it in me to do this again, but I do miss the lighter side of me.