clean and sober

Today is completely quiet. Things are calm.

In a way, I'm finding myself withdrawing. Completely withdrawing. It's like I can't really trust anything anymore. I guess the loneliness can get to you. It does to me. I'm not made of stone.

The isolation is a friend. A familiar. Something that has always been with me, probably since the day I was born. Feeling apart. It used to make me feel so bad. But then I decided to look at it as something special. It set me apart, never mind feeling apart. I could connect with nature. I could enjoy the blue sky. I could enjoy the weather. But other people? They didn't make any sense, and only made sense when they didn't care or were mean or selfish.

It wasn't enough to say "I love you". That could change at any time, by meeting another person, by simply being bored, or having an incident that changes one's perspective. Anything could make the "I love you" go away forever. It isn't something everlasting. Love is what we chase, love is the prize, love is what makes life worthwhile.

So we chase it, we look for it, we try to make these connections to it. Oh, he's staring at me, he must like me, and if he likes me, that means he loves me. No. It means you were simply in his line of vision...and maybe not Maybe he was looking at the girl or guy directly beside you or behind you.

In the end, what are you but a convenient available soul when someone needs a temporary boost to their ego?

It is all that I am.

Staying under the radar

Simply observing and not putting in your own two cents can save you a ton of static and give you a lot of helpful information. You figure out who is aligned with who or what, what can and can't be said, what is understood and what isn't. And you aren't disliked, simply because no one has any information on you to decide whether you are too independent, too opinionated, too much of a thinker, too much or too little of anything, really.

Meanwhile, I continue to check and monitor my checks. It seems they've taken a bit of a nose dive. Not sure what is going on. I will look into that and start pulling my prior paystubs and ask for a meet on what's going on.

I've also been checking out the holiday specials and got to take advantage of some really cool deals, involving free shipping an discounts of up to 20%. Can't complain.

Today at work was a simple affair. There was a retirement party for someone that not a lot of people liked, but the person was a strong worker and knew their stuff -- and pushed for others to step up their game which of course caused static. Makes you think why some choose to stay under the radar -- because the stress of dealing with people's insecurities and laziness can take its toll. The retired person looks radiant though, as if a burden has been lifted. They giggle now in the hallways and smile more. Because they have realized the joy of letting go. Caring too much can drain a person. And this person knows that despite what some may think of them, they will miss them when they are no longer here. They will miss that sense of care of quality control. And we will pay the price whether directly or indirectly. And as a result, our clients will also suffer. This is going to suck.

holidays and opportunities

Today is another cold day. I awoke early, but had a deep sleep. I watered the plants, had some breakfast, and relaxed, while watching television quietly. The dog took off after a while, and the day was blissfully quiet. I didn't even notice the sun setting. I ate a hot dog for an early dinner, as I didn't feel like cooking something more substantial. Plus, the living situation is such that going into the kitchen becomes a game of cloak and dagger to see who is doing what in the kitchen, despite my coming in with my own ingredients.

I have not bought the new stove yet -- been advised that a new stove should not be necessary, because no one else seems to care about getting a new one nor did anyone else offer to pitch in to help pay for it. I merely smiled, what else could I say? This is the life that others choose to lead, and a life I chose to let myself get mired in. It was up to me to pull myself out and get the hell out.

At the moment, I had yet to find the right opportunity for me. Until then, I continue to tread water and pay my bills.

Debated for a brief second whether I wanted to go out tonight and see a movie, just to get out and get some air, but the weather makes me think otherwise. Tomorrow I do my volunteer work, which will spur me into action to finish my errands and get ready for the work week. I have yet to figure out the rest of the Christmas gifts and only have so much time. This week's check will go to paying my phone bill and hopefully to pick up some gifts to put under the tree.

This will be a great holiday season. I just know it. Now I must check on some things before calling it a night. :-)

blog of note

How does one exactly become a blog of note? Does one have to amuse or entertain in order to be noticed? Does one have to express themselves in a certain way and spell correctly? What is it, exactly, does it take to be a blog of note?

I've checked some of these other sites. The only thing I notice is that they dressed up the backgrounds or added more pictures. It's not exactly something I'm interested in -- maybe that's why my blog isn't noticed.

Even in cyberworld with the blog-o-sphere, one can get ignored if they're not pretty enough.

Well, big fuckin- whoop. I don't care.

So...what did you do on your birthday?

Dear members of the slightly interested party --

Thank you for remembering my birthday and inquiring about my well-being. My birthday was a lovely evening spending dinner with loved ones, thank you. I enjoyed a delicious meal and even had dessert. I allowed myself a drink, and enjoyed the company I was with.

I was grateful to not have to spend my birthday alone. Instead I got to be in the presence of loved ones, those who love me. I am healthy and young. I even have a day job and a roof over my head. It's an OK life.

My new phone had died, and my old phone hadn't been recharged in two weeks, so as far as well-wishers contacting me, well, they would have to find another way to reach me. By the time I got home, I happily plugged in my new phone and the old one and took a shower and went to bed. It was late and I had work the next day.

When I awoke, it was no longer my birthday and I awoke full of dreams. I checked my phones and found your messages on both phones. That was very sweet of you to remember.

Although I do wonder -- were you hoping that I was alone or with someone else?

Oh well. Who cares?

On to better things.