the sex thing always gets in the way

Best line in a film? "Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." How true. Before it was easy to just relax and just eat and laugh and drink and hang out, but those days are seemingly over. I have to constantly watch what I say, because everyone's fucking monitoring. Of course, some people are like, "well, we never thought you lacked in confidence", but in reality, I'm a fucking human being like everyone else, and there are days when I feel my fragility more than others. Ok?

There's a marked shift in relationships. I have very little tolerance for other's bullshit, that hasn't changed. Communication levels and common sense levels are in the toilet. It's amazing work gets done at all, I can only imagine how much time is wasted and how many deadlines are missed simply because people are uninspired or don't care.

A part of me quickly goes about making like I understand those around me. A lot of them are simple, they are just waiting for the bell to ring so they can leave like lemmings. I never see as much energy and enthusiasm and smiles than when it's five o'clock. You can time everything to when they know it's five. Yet ask them where a file is or why they can't retain the same phone number they've asked for (and you've given without attitude) three times in a row and it's like a fucking mind-bending session with a piece of shriveled fruit.

Back to sex.

And friends.

Awkwardness.

I want to get close to people I care about and love. They don't make it easy, though. It's tough to get some decent alone time with them, and then they look like a lobster trying to get out of the boiling pot. They are uncomfortable, they don't like communication and exchanging ideas and thoughts as that's just way too intimate. They'd rather fuck in the dark, listlessly yet urgently like a dog does when he looks to the left as if he's reading instructions while fucking another dog.

Are people that immune or that starved for conversation? Have we become inept in social graces? yet blogs show up all the time, everyone has a comment or point of view. Why isn't anyone TALKING to each other? Know why? Because no one wants to listen and comprehend. Ego pushes you to be the only one talking. It could be about absolutely nothing.

I have been known to let silence be my guide. I will let minutes pass before I say anything, just taking in the scenery, chewing my food, pause to sip, thinking over what someone just told me in a conversation to figure out if it's something I could agree or disagree with.

There's adventure. Places to see, things to experience. Yet. There's people to meet. Each person I meet reflects a part that I am afraid to see. Which part is that? The closing off part. Further closing off who I am because creating and maintaining a friendship is a lot of work.

There are times I would rather read a book. And sex is overrated. Too many stupid decisions are made based on whether someone can make you cum. It's not worth it.

continue to write as I downfall, trip, and look to stabilize

The desire to write is fleeting. It is hard not to edit myself the minute I put something down, because I have fear for who might read it. Fear of the laughter, the always looking, wanting to see what internal dialogue I may have. From the time I was little, it was always the same.

Had siblings seek, unlock and underline especially juicy parts and show to parents, had lovers search through my belongings, unlock and read portions of my thoughts only to have it thrown back in my face. "You're always writing, every day you write stuff down, and for what? THIS is what you really think? How dare you!" The message was I had no right to think those thoughts, I was, in essence, dirty and shameful to them. And the anger. My god, the anger.

Diaries were my source of keeping my sanity, of making sense of what happened to me, and what I couldn't control throughout the day. My impressions and feelings, both of people and myself. A part of me wondered why things were the way the were, while another part was resigned to it.

Those who have known me for a long time marvel at how I still continue to struggle with this, that I just simply haven't resigned myself over completely and 'grown up'. So, growing up means acceptance of what is, not wanting or working for what could be, and putting daydreams to rest once and for all.

But you see, that's the worst thing about adulthood. The sense of playfulness, of wonder, of righteousness, is over. What is left? A dull colorless world. Yes, you are realistic, but a lot dies in the eyes. No wonder it frightened me so to look into certain people's eyes. Death was already there, even if they were physically healthy. The light just ... goes.

Meanwhile, there is life to life, and a life to create, whether it's having a child or creating a new path for myself. I'd like to think I still have some choices, and that everything will come together one way or another. I believe there's no such thing as coincidence, and that everyone has a right to pursue their happiness as long as it's not at the expense of another. Which is tough. That's a lot when there's so many people in the world and they all want the other one to disappear or die.

These past few weeks have been tough. But it's starting to get light. I'm seeing the light. It's coming. And it's all OK. I will be OK. That is certain.

made the dip took the risk

A new computer is on the way. Bigger screen, more power, and I'm satisfied. Haven't eaten dinner yet as I've been playing and downloading for the past couple of hours, testing the keyboard and seeing how quick it processes. Nothing like when you are feeling like, FINALLY, you know?

Back to playing.