Follow your dreams and know there will be hard times ahead. That is life. There will be naysayers. That is life too. F-k the naysayers.

that's right.  F-k the naysayers.  And so far, I've gotten thanked for writing that.

Friends...love 'em need 'em or leave them?

What constitutes a friend? What makes one person a "keeper" and another not so much? There are several levels of friends, but I usually break it down to two categories, acquaintance and friend. Someone I see every day at work is not a friend but an acquaintance, a work colleague, nothing more nothing less. I do not view these people as confidantes to my personal life. Although the lines between what I do after work seem to be blurring for others, I myself do not feel comfortable sharing my personal life with people who are only there for a check or could use this private information to get me fired. Not that I'm doing anything illegal or immoral, it's just simply giving too much power to someone who may not talk to you if one of you is fired or leaves the company for another paying gig. Just saying. A true friendship to develop is one who continues to talk to you after one of you is long gone. I can count on one hand how many times that has happened. Not too many, I can tell you that truthfully.

Then there's the challenge of when is it time to let a friendship go? When to let it die? Do you simply drift off without a word to each other? When it is time to let go? Yes, life does get in the way. People get married, people move away, people get promoted or change jobs. Then what? Do you just fade quietly away? How much effort should you put into a friendship? Is the friendship worth working on?

Sometimes I find myself having conversations in my head with someone I consider a best friend. I've known him a long time, and even to this day don't know everything about him. He's very mysterious, just taking off a layer at a time has taken years. I know I have done my fair share of staying in touch, to let him know I'm there for him, that I support his choices, his decisions, and share in his triumphs and debacles.

I've seen him through his bumps in life with romance, work, family, and other friends. I've seen him troubled, doubting himself. I've seen him grow as a person, and become a bit more open to the world, only to retreat when he thinks things are getting too predictable or vulnerable.

I've also seen the predictable side to him. He only calls when he needs something, whether it be a verbal boost, a shot in the arm of "you can do it you know you can" or someone who doesn't judge him too harshly when he's clearly not thinking things through.

"I know you will tell it like it is," he tells me. Well, that's a delightful thing to a person if they are searching for an honest opinion or advice. If one is feeling a bit vulnerable or delicate, they don't exactly always want to hear the truth unadorned and sometimes want to be served the truth gently. Yet the truth can't be served gently.

To let go. To love enough to let go. Let live. Let go. Sigh. I've survived letting go before. It's always a constant, isn't it? That nothing lasts forever. That death is inevitable to all and to me.

Arggggh! Getting deep at 5:49 in the morning after inhaling bleach fumes after cleaning out the dog's lawn pad. I'm grateful she's housebroken, but the cleanup's a bitch.

Maybe that's it. The bleach. I ruined yet another shirt. ARGGGHHH!

I am tired. At least the dog's OK. Think she's got the runs.

Oh, back to friends. Keep it alive or when to let it go.

Right now, I know I am being used and it's one-sided. He only comes up for air when he's truly exhausted everything else nearby. And I've dealt with it before, even though it irked me a bit at times. I even pointed it out to him that I've been feeling like a compromise, the "plan B", the "in case of emergency break glass" person, the "go to" person when he's bored with whomever his latest playmate is. Like a pet, really.

And he got offended. And denied it. OK. Maybe so. Maybe he just doesn't realize it. But he's not a dumb man.

And I'm told it's because I don't have a lot of friends and that by being so selective, that my numbers so few, that I overthink or overcompensate on whoever is a friend to me, that I get exhausted or they do, I dunno.

Would this be different if I had a booming social life? I socialize, I just don't cling to everyone I meet. I don't make everyone an automatic friend, they have to earn that special membership card, so to speak. They have to prove I can trust them, and even then I have to take the leap of faith to be vulnerable with them and that's hard for me.

Or I've just met the male version of myself and I need to stop overanalyzing. He knows I'm here. And I have to just let things be.

K awoke in a bad mood. It was barely 9 am and I heard K on the phone, talking to UPS about a package pickup. K was shouting into the phone and I woke up. I had not been able to go to sleep readily the past two nights, and sighed inaudibly. Kept the dog silent while the call was conducted. A hangup, indignation, and I could hear the hard breathing of one pissed off K.

When K was finally able to get through, there was an "I don't know we'll call you back because we don't have you scheduled for pickup today" when it clearly stated on the label K had online that the pickup WOULD be happening today and not two-three days from now, was yet another straw that further irritated K.

I stayed quiet, and listened to K vent about it. Yes, these people are inept and yes they are the ones who have jobs and are working while so many are out of work.

Some jokes about how cowardly the dog was, just like her owner, meaning me -- was when I looked at K and said, hmmmm, perhaps you need to go out and get some fresh air. Maybe even go back to your place and just chill there for some peace and quiet. I should put the word cowardly in quotes because the word used was a little more coarse and related to a female body part.

K quietly got dressed. But apparently now is slacking because someone else in the house is going out to run errands. "Why can't you go and run yours? I'm here. " I ask. A silent shake of head. Whatever. K could've gone and done and been back by now. Just because others take two hours to get ready and go out doesn't mean a thing in my book.

I have to pinch myself and remember why I'm doing this

Took a 6 week writing class and it was awesome. I CAN write, it's a matter of having some direction and some fresh eyes to provide insight. In this case, strangers online, who can critique your work and you trust that the person in question is indeed a qualified teacher. Online classes rock. Can go on anytime 24 hours a day and do your work at your pace and in relative peace. by week five I was slowing down because I was being stubborn and not wanting the class to end. Why is this comp so damned slow I've been running three kinds of virus scanners on it to see what the problem is. Fucking virus threats making me paranoid to the nth degree with their bullshit.

So. I can write. I am creative and a good writer too. Now where to next? I've managed to cross three things on the New Year's Resolution/Bucket list. Join a writing class. Check. Go back to gym and start working out. Check Resolve no office work and look into other avenues such as BG work, temping, promoting, anything to NOT go back to that soul sucking hell where truthtellers die a painful moral and ethics death.

Today felt sentimental about lost friends and exes. Found one who was frightened of getting involved because it would separate him from his work and career as it had with a previous girlfriend and when I agreed to play it casual, he then freaked and demanded to know why I was taking things so well, why didn't I want something more serious. Uh, why change the game fool, you wrote the rules. In any case, we didn't last and I let him go, bumped into him another time and we ended up going to his place. I couldn't trust him though I wanted to. I remember him being a very good kisser.

Found him on Facebook and he has it up all proud that he's "in a relationship with so and so " status. Ironic. Don't cha think? Time passes, people grow up. I looked at her picture - she looks nice. Maybe she doesn't put up with his shit and called him on it and this time he listened. This time.

Then I see an old video of him doing a rendition of a song dear to me. I sigh. And move on.

Another ex is a born again and married a lady from his church as he aspired to be a deacon. He was so angry when I was with him. Mad at life, felt like he had not been given any breaks, and I would cheer him up, reason with him, help him to see he was indeed very talented, he just needed to apply his focus on getting work for his art. It was very frustrating, and I was young and only needed love and support, which he barely had for himself. Several years after a messy breakup, he and I bump into each other on a city street and he apologized to me for his behavior. I don't know if it was his churching talking or him. But I nodded, and said it was long ago and we were both very young. He was intent on not waving it away like I did. I told him I just wanted him to be happy and it looked like he was.

So..years later. I'm still struggling but for me. For my dreams to realize them. It took so long. but I am seeing it through. I HAVE to do this, I have to go for it. I can't have another what-if, I just can't. I have to be happy for me. I can't let myself down or lie to myself anymore. I want a life, a good life, a happy and productive and prosperous and creative one. I deserve it and I'm worth it. Men come and go. I need to take care of me.

OMG the job search is ugly

It's hard, because those who are left behind, working, are still working and earning a paycheck every week and having health benefits. Me, I'm trying not to panic, and I'm seeing snow fall. Just got a letter that my unemployment may be extended for a few more months. Then what? It's not like jobs are falling out of the sky and into my lap. A part of me dreads going back to working in any kind of office, it's stifling and the people are scary sad. Yet another part of me knows money has to come in somehow someway and I don't intend to really go the way of turning tricks in order to survive. There just has to be a better way to get regular funding without losing sight of my creative dream posts or selling my soul. I have already spent far too much time with people who simply didn't give a shit. It's draining to one's energy. It was definitely draining to mine. And knowing that I have to possibly go hat in hand to some joke of an employment agency and explain that I really really want to be a receptionist or secretary yes siree, and look how qualified I am without sounding like a total desperate or douche, is not very appealing.

Well, neither is starving or being homeless. Gotta figure out something. I still have yet to go union, and still have yet to update the headshot. Two things I have to do before the money runs out. Sheesh.

Somewhere in between that, the dentist and gym have to fit in. Sheesh.

New Year's Resolution

1) no more lingering doubts, anger, worry. no more lingering thoughts or word on old jobs and old mistakes and old stresses

2) commit to my health, get in shape, eat more veggies

3) re-commit to finding a job that can help supplement income. do not get involved with office people.

4) re-commit to retaking mandarin and a writing class at Gotham.

5) be happier

linking online going up everywhere

FB, Google, now Blogger. All wanting eagerly to help "attach" all blogs and email accounts to ONE source so the government can track you more easily and faster. God bless America.