pounding your head against the wall, when you stop it feels so good...?

Recurring themes. Worry about money, career, worry about having people in my life that love, accept and understand me. Worry about being taken advantage of, being taken for granted.

AUGH.

I like being dependable, being depended on. However, it can work against me in that people can't help but take me for granted. Oh, she'll never not be there. She would never leave me. She loves me. Uh-huh. Yes I do. But I'm also someone who can only take so much neglect and abuse before I move on, never to look back.

And yes, I have done it. And most likely will do it again.

Will continue to focus on what I need to do and not worry about anybody else. Just got to.

Working on beauty routine

Got the eyebrows done, hair done, moisturized and got my feet done.

Been taking care of what I've been eating too, and not overindulging too much.

Fooling around with makeup. Found a place that sells lovely pretty bustiers and corsets. Just feeling girly. Ordered a couple.

Ordered a sexy top too. Looking at shoes and skirts. Spring is coming.

not in a billion years

Not in a billion years did I think I would find myself in this situation. Again.

I am angry, upset and frustrated at myself. For allowing myself to get lulled into a sense of false security. To allow myself to get distracted, to get lulled into being stupid. I allowed myself to take my eyes off the prize.

What I want doesn't seem to matter. It just seems the circle of space, of the perceived freedom I thought I had as an adult is getting smaller and smaller and choking me harder and harder, and NOT in a good way.

Connections and emotions

I try to feel about someone, and try to understand. And all I can do is not panic, not overthink, not worry, not wonder. It's all I can do, however.

Valentine's Day is coming. Times are quiet. Work is the usual annoyance. A part of me plays out conversations in my head, about what could have been said, what's never been said, out of fear, out of knowing the reality of what could never be.

And I think. And miss him. I try to feel him out. I imagine what he could be thinking. These are all signs to me of obsession, stupidity. But what of concern?

I go down the list. Where has he been for me? A lot of half-truths, and seemingly, feeling misled. Not by who he is, but a feeling that he's not being completely honest with me either. I can't help shake the feeling that I'm looking at a mirror, and this is not merely a projection.

He's a lot like me. I can see myself in him. And I confide in him. And it gets lost, because the steps required to move in that direction are steps that do not benefit me, at least I don't think so.

Another invitation by him went without a further response. I wrote him to remind him, and say hello. He didn't respond. Several days passed. Wrote hi again. And nothing. Again.

If I'm the closest to him, then why do I feel so far away?

What if I said yes more?

My life would have changed drastically. Some doors would have closed, others would have opened. Maybe nothing would have happened at all and I would have just felt my soul die slowly but surely.

clean and sober

Today is completely quiet. Things are calm.

In a way, I'm finding myself withdrawing. Completely withdrawing. It's like I can't really trust anything anymore. I guess the loneliness can get to you. It does to me. I'm not made of stone.

The isolation is a friend. A familiar. Something that has always been with me, probably since the day I was born. Feeling apart. It used to make me feel so bad. But then I decided to look at it as something special. It set me apart, never mind feeling apart. I could connect with nature. I could enjoy the blue sky. I could enjoy the weather. But other people? They didn't make any sense, and only made sense when they didn't care or were mean or selfish.

It wasn't enough to say "I love you". That could change at any time, by meeting another person, by simply being bored, or having an incident that changes one's perspective. Anything could make the "I love you" go away forever. It isn't something everlasting. Love is what we chase, love is the prize, love is what makes life worthwhile.

So we chase it, we look for it, we try to make these connections to it. Oh, he's staring at me, he must like me, and if he likes me, that means he loves me. No. It means you were simply in his line of vision...and maybe not Maybe he was looking at the girl or guy directly beside you or behind you.

In the end, what are you but a convenient available soul when someone needs a temporary boost to their ego?

It is all that I am.

Staying under the radar

Simply observing and not putting in your own two cents can save you a ton of static and give you a lot of helpful information. You figure out who is aligned with who or what, what can and can't be said, what is understood and what isn't. And you aren't disliked, simply because no one has any information on you to decide whether you are too independent, too opinionated, too much of a thinker, too much or too little of anything, really.

Meanwhile, I continue to check and monitor my checks. It seems they've taken a bit of a nose dive. Not sure what is going on. I will look into that and start pulling my prior paystubs and ask for a meet on what's going on.

I've also been checking out the holiday specials and got to take advantage of some really cool deals, involving free shipping an discounts of up to 20%. Can't complain.

Today at work was a simple affair. There was a retirement party for someone that not a lot of people liked, but the person was a strong worker and knew their stuff -- and pushed for others to step up their game which of course caused static. Makes you think why some choose to stay under the radar -- because the stress of dealing with people's insecurities and laziness can take its toll. The retired person looks radiant though, as if a burden has been lifted. They giggle now in the hallways and smile more. Because they have realized the joy of letting go. Caring too much can drain a person. And this person knows that despite what some may think of them, they will miss them when they are no longer here. They will miss that sense of care of quality control. And we will pay the price whether directly or indirectly. And as a result, our clients will also suffer. This is going to suck.