I have to pinch myself and remember why I'm doing this

Took a 6 week writing class and it was awesome. I CAN write, it's a matter of having some direction and some fresh eyes to provide insight. In this case, strangers online, who can critique your work and you trust that the person in question is indeed a qualified teacher. Online classes rock. Can go on anytime 24 hours a day and do your work at your pace and in relative peace. by week five I was slowing down because I was being stubborn and not wanting the class to end. Why is this comp so damned slow I've been running three kinds of virus scanners on it to see what the problem is. Fucking virus threats making me paranoid to the nth degree with their bullshit.

So. I can write. I am creative and a good writer too. Now where to next? I've managed to cross three things on the New Year's Resolution/Bucket list. Join a writing class. Check. Go back to gym and start working out. Check Resolve no office work and look into other avenues such as BG work, temping, promoting, anything to NOT go back to that soul sucking hell where truthtellers die a painful moral and ethics death.

Today felt sentimental about lost friends and exes. Found one who was frightened of getting involved because it would separate him from his work and career as it had with a previous girlfriend and when I agreed to play it casual, he then freaked and demanded to know why I was taking things so well, why didn't I want something more serious. Uh, why change the game fool, you wrote the rules. In any case, we didn't last and I let him go, bumped into him another time and we ended up going to his place. I couldn't trust him though I wanted to. I remember him being a very good kisser.

Found him on Facebook and he has it up all proud that he's "in a relationship with so and so " status. Ironic. Don't cha think? Time passes, people grow up. I looked at her picture - she looks nice. Maybe she doesn't put up with his shit and called him on it and this time he listened. This time.

Then I see an old video of him doing a rendition of a song dear to me. I sigh. And move on.

Another ex is a born again and married a lady from his church as he aspired to be a deacon. He was so angry when I was with him. Mad at life, felt like he had not been given any breaks, and I would cheer him up, reason with him, help him to see he was indeed very talented, he just needed to apply his focus on getting work for his art. It was very frustrating, and I was young and only needed love and support, which he barely had for himself. Several years after a messy breakup, he and I bump into each other on a city street and he apologized to me for his behavior. I don't know if it was his churching talking or him. But I nodded, and said it was long ago and we were both very young. He was intent on not waving it away like I did. I told him I just wanted him to be happy and it looked like he was.

So..years later. I'm still struggling but for me. For my dreams to realize them. It took so long. but I am seeing it through. I HAVE to do this, I have to go for it. I can't have another what-if, I just can't. I have to be happy for me. I can't let myself down or lie to myself anymore. I want a life, a good life, a happy and productive and prosperous and creative one. I deserve it and I'm worth it. Men come and go. I need to take care of me.

OMG the job search is ugly

It's hard, because those who are left behind, working, are still working and earning a paycheck every week and having health benefits. Me, I'm trying not to panic, and I'm seeing snow fall. Just got a letter that my unemployment may be extended for a few more months. Then what? It's not like jobs are falling out of the sky and into my lap. A part of me dreads going back to working in any kind of office, it's stifling and the people are scary sad. Yet another part of me knows money has to come in somehow someway and I don't intend to really go the way of turning tricks in order to survive. There just has to be a better way to get regular funding without losing sight of my creative dream posts or selling my soul. I have already spent far too much time with people who simply didn't give a shit. It's draining to one's energy. It was definitely draining to mine. And knowing that I have to possibly go hat in hand to some joke of an employment agency and explain that I really really want to be a receptionist or secretary yes siree, and look how qualified I am without sounding like a total desperate or douche, is not very appealing.

Well, neither is starving or being homeless. Gotta figure out something. I still have yet to go union, and still have yet to update the headshot. Two things I have to do before the money runs out. Sheesh.

Somewhere in between that, the dentist and gym have to fit in. Sheesh.

New Year's Resolution

1) no more lingering doubts, anger, worry. no more lingering thoughts or word on old jobs and old mistakes and old stresses

2) commit to my health, get in shape, eat more veggies

3) re-commit to finding a job that can help supplement income. do not get involved with office people.

4) re-commit to retaking mandarin and a writing class at Gotham.

5) be happier

linking online going up everywhere

FB, Google, now Blogger. All wanting eagerly to help "attach" all blogs and email accounts to ONE source so the government can track you more easily and faster. God bless America.

It's getting close to Christmas 2011

And this year, although money's been tight, I've been managing. Still haven't found a job that can cover what I need along with the hours, but I know that waiting is only part of the jobsearch game. I've been submitting, and being selective about what I want. I have looked for part time as well as full time in order to get a paycheck as well as the flexible hours I want. Employers seemingly have a long list of wants for their prospective employee but offer very little incentive in return. Even salaries are discouragingly low. Yet I continue to perservere. I continue to think positive and continue the job search daily.

Thoughts of where I was at a year ago, and thoughts of what has come to pass this year have visited me lately. Must be because of the time of year, New Year's is not that far behind Christmas. I am grateful for a roof over my head and food to eat along with my health. I am soooo looking forward to money opportunities a-plenty coming to me and my being awake and aware enough to grab them as they come.

I continue the hustle, I continue to be hopeful and not dwell too much on negative thoughts, things and people. I have gone out of my way for people one too many times with very little regard or thought given to me. While I do things out of kindness and courtesy, it wouldn't hurt to have some of that same energy and kindness extended back to me. What's the saying, what you give out will come back to you, sometimes even in greater amounts than you initially gave?

I've played Powerball and Mega. Wouldn't hurt to dream a little and focus on receiving big bucks. I could do so much with that money. Going back to school for one thing, along with travelling the world. All without a care in the world. I would just indulge in my love of learning. What a luxury that would be.

And making some new friends. That would be lovely. It would be nice to meet some new people and just relax and just....be.

Stomach doing flip flops thinking about old job

Looking for work but took a break. I started going over what happened the last day I was at my old job, and how I wished I could have said some things, but it's history, it's over. I have to stop letting myself get into old dramas and focus on today, more positive things. And know that things are changing all the time and that good will come of it and come to me, most especially.

An occasional nibble of interest, some tests and filling out paperwork and applications, and then it's....back to the drawing board. Once in a while I'll get close to an interview, and then you start to see the little truths come out. Everyone is on their best behavior during the interview process. But you get to see, do things really go smoothly, do people really say things just to draw you in? Most jobs I knew I was going to start the minute I saw that they were showing me potential work and what they were looking for, and stating they saw on my resume that I could handle it.

But when I don't see or hear any of that, I know that it's simply a lookee-loo and a waste of my time. Oh god, have to use the bathroom. Stomach upset. Augh!

Few days' respite

The past couple of days I have been staying at K's place, away from the confines of my other housing. It's been a nice change of pace, being able to go to the bathroom when I want, not having to worry or debate or prepare to brace myself for what I will encounter or not when I open the bedroom door. How absolutely fucking refreshing! I can't begin to describe. I feel rested and hopeful once again.

Tomorrow I face the task of getting my dog (could only kidnap one, the smaller more portable one) back to the place, in order to enjoy a Friday night watching a show for a couple of hours. Then it's back to the apartment, and facing the task of finally cleaning, putting back in order and airing out the room. I'm hoping that the laundromat is open this weekend to wash the bedsheets and pillowcases.

Today I spent cleaning the 'second home' by cleaning and scrubbing the bathroom after walking the dog and feeding and bathing him. Then I scrubbed the kitchen sink, swept the floors and did laundry, bedsheets, pillowcases and towels. Also cleaned what few clothes were lying around so K can face the week with a clean place. Once K got home from school, I went about cooking an early dinner, and it was good. I had fresh veggies to use and cook with, and K was energized to do some homework and take a nap on the fresh bedsheets.

As for me, I was able to buy the shampoo I was long overdue on and my hair feels and looks a LOT better. Last night I had a bad cough, so I think that's why I was also so gung-ho about sweeping and cleaning.

K was going to drop by the other house, I guess to see if everything was going Ok, and one phone call put K on to just forgetting that idea and coming here. Surprise surprise. Tomorrow will be a doozy. I am praying that all turns out well and we are able to go out tomorrow night. I know someone will be mighty pissed, meaning K, if we don't. Not that it will change anything but I'm not getting my blood pressure to rise over this.

And if things get retarded, I will just stay in the room and take off the next day or take off later that same night. Not worried.

Game plan: part-time job with decent pay, not long hours. Hmmmm....will continue to look.