I have to pinch myself and remember why I'm doing this

Took a 6 week writing class and it was awesome. I CAN write, it's a matter of having some direction and some fresh eyes to provide insight. In this case, strangers online, who can critique your work and you trust that the person in question is indeed a qualified teacher. Online classes rock. Can go on anytime 24 hours a day and do your work at your pace and in relative peace. by week five I was slowing down because I was being stubborn and not wanting the class to end. Why is this comp so damned slow I've been running three kinds of virus scanners on it to see what the problem is. Fucking virus threats making me paranoid to the nth degree with their bullshit.

So. I can write. I am creative and a good writer too. Now where to next? I've managed to cross three things on the New Year's Resolution/Bucket list. Join a writing class. Check. Go back to gym and start working out. Check Resolve no office work and look into other avenues such as BG work, temping, promoting, anything to NOT go back to that soul sucking hell where truthtellers die a painful moral and ethics death.

Today felt sentimental about lost friends and exes. Found one who was frightened of getting involved because it would separate him from his work and career as it had with a previous girlfriend and when I agreed to play it casual, he then freaked and demanded to know why I was taking things so well, why didn't I want something more serious. Uh, why change the game fool, you wrote the rules. In any case, we didn't last and I let him go, bumped into him another time and we ended up going to his place. I couldn't trust him though I wanted to. I remember him being a very good kisser.

Found him on Facebook and he has it up all proud that he's "in a relationship with so and so " status. Ironic. Don't cha think? Time passes, people grow up. I looked at her picture - she looks nice. Maybe she doesn't put up with his shit and called him on it and this time he listened. This time.

Then I see an old video of him doing a rendition of a song dear to me. I sigh. And move on.

Another ex is a born again and married a lady from his church as he aspired to be a deacon. He was so angry when I was with him. Mad at life, felt like he had not been given any breaks, and I would cheer him up, reason with him, help him to see he was indeed very talented, he just needed to apply his focus on getting work for his art. It was very frustrating, and I was young and only needed love and support, which he barely had for himself. Several years after a messy breakup, he and I bump into each other on a city street and he apologized to me for his behavior. I don't know if it was his churching talking or him. But I nodded, and said it was long ago and we were both very young. He was intent on not waving it away like I did. I told him I just wanted him to be happy and it looked like he was.

So..years later. I'm still struggling but for me. For my dreams to realize them. It took so long. but I am seeing it through. I HAVE to do this, I have to go for it. I can't have another what-if, I just can't. I have to be happy for me. I can't let myself down or lie to myself anymore. I want a life, a good life, a happy and productive and prosperous and creative one. I deserve it and I'm worth it. Men come and go. I need to take care of me.

OMG the job search is ugly

It's hard, because those who are left behind, working, are still working and earning a paycheck every week and having health benefits. Me, I'm trying not to panic, and I'm seeing snow fall. Just got a letter that my unemployment may be extended for a few more months. Then what? It's not like jobs are falling out of the sky and into my lap. A part of me dreads going back to working in any kind of office, it's stifling and the people are scary sad. Yet another part of me knows money has to come in somehow someway and I don't intend to really go the way of turning tricks in order to survive. There just has to be a better way to get regular funding without losing sight of my creative dream posts or selling my soul. I have already spent far too much time with people who simply didn't give a shit. It's draining to one's energy. It was definitely draining to mine. And knowing that I have to possibly go hat in hand to some joke of an employment agency and explain that I really really want to be a receptionist or secretary yes siree, and look how qualified I am without sounding like a total desperate or douche, is not very appealing.

Well, neither is starving or being homeless. Gotta figure out something. I still have yet to go union, and still have yet to update the headshot. Two things I have to do before the money runs out. Sheesh.

Somewhere in between that, the dentist and gym have to fit in. Sheesh.